How To Survive When Aliens Attack: An Essential Guide

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the bunker after Armageddon and those darn zombies finally ate each other through sheer boredom and the fact they ran out of food, along comes these pesky aliens to ruin one's day. Well, survived Armageddon didn't we? Check! Survived the Zombie Apocalypse did we not? Check! Ah well, they do say things happen in threes....

Guess what, you are down at the local supermart you know the one, S-Mart, because you shop smart, AND THEN, you are in the checkout queue and look up with the obligatory half second of TV snow, that sssssssssssshhhhhhh sound like someone changing channels and a news report flicks up that showing a HUGE spaceship hovering over New York City.

Wait

With over 21,000 cities around the world, why are these spaceships ALWAYS over New York City?

OK I digress, but I don't care what anyone says, if they are here and come in peace, they wanna eat us later. So here's THE guide to surviving nice, hot looking like Salma Hayak aliens as well as those bush pig ugly ones (Think clear Jello mixed with red colored crushed Corn Flakes, mixed with gelatin 6 foot tall) that wanna eat your brains through your toes.

The very first thing to think about for surviving any big darn post apocalyptic something or other is to take care of the big three.

• Food
• Water
• Shelter

Everything else is secondary, they are also essential essentials, where all other secondary considerations are essential, got it? good :)

OK, so long as there are no immediate plans by the aliens to lay waste to the planet. Which they usually don't, well it is just sloppy and makes things harder when you have dead bodies in the billions all over the place. No, yes I know, but no, not ALL aliens have heat ray technology, so some are just NOT environmentally active, not my fault.

Right, these are secondary considerations once you have taken care of food, water and shelter (this may or may not be an ongoing concern)

• Good shoes - always need good shoes, preferably sneakers, do you reckon your going to look good in and outrun an alien in sandals????
• Chewing gum - keeps your moisture level up and makes you look more authoritative when making broad decisions.
• Grab your family - OK, time to get the heck outta Dodge, grab your family and head for the hills, in time those pesky aliens are going to start taking over. Family pets, unless you have food considerations, gonna slow you down.
• Gasoline - good for the escape vehicle as well as a weapon against aliens/rednecks/rabid dogs/hydrogen powered cyborg tanks with freaking laser beams, straight up guns are no good. Haven't you seen the hundreds of documentaries on it? I mean movies :) Guns DO NOT WORK PEOPLE!
• Zippo Lighter & a Petrie Dish - trust me , you're gonna need these, what if your family, friends, neighbor, ex-wife hunting you down for alimony is actually an alien? Easy to solve, heat up a piece of steel wire, take some of their blood and place hot wire into blood sample, if no reaction, all good, if the blood squeals and reacts by jumping outta the petrie dish, snuff that former human person!
• Lots and lots of aluminum foil - this should be obvious
• Travel Light - Its great, the world goes to shizzle after an alien invasion and I am in a grocery store, cool, but I shall only get a minimum of stuffs as I will need to travel light, makes me highly mobile, so if I have to run like a girl, I aint pushin no shopping trolley. Too cumbersome.

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You need to be able to differentiate between your arch-type of aliens. No matter what happens now, you do not want to find out later that friendly person you have known for years is a flesh eating advance scout sent here early bent on the DESTRUCTION and ENSLAVEMENT of us all. Sure, there may be a resistance movement........John......Connor......but also you don't know that yet. So, unless otherwise shown differently and you can fully TRUST that alien to be on our side of the battle, treat everyone ELSE with suspicion and extreme prejudice.

Little Gray Men, The Grays, Sectoids, Cloned Grays

Known via various names, these little people are grey of skin (duh!) stand about 4 feet tall, and each one apparently has a rabid fascination with sticking objects into our orifices.

May be just an advance scout type

Avoidance meter - 6 / 10

Acid bearing, tongue kissing, insect like, black monstrosity

Nasty, nasty piece of work, and they drool, lots, all over the place. Oh by the way, these things are fast, like Porsche fast and have a bad habit of biting your face off with their tongue, which also has teeth.......weird that.

May be just part of a clean up crew

Avoidance meter - 9 / 10

Micro biological aggressive annihilator cell entity - AKA 'The Thing'

Oozey, downright untasty and KEEP RIGHT AWAY from these entity thingies, why? Because they can look like anyone or anything that is organic, and being cellular based, your peanut butter and jello sandwich just suddenly became ENEMY NUMBER ONE. Also much more worse than other aliens, as these suckers are just happy to survive, no food stuffs to worry about, no minerals to mine, no blood to suck. What's worse, they can morph and change their structure, right before our eyes. Come on, we just wanna live baby.

Avoidance meter - 10 / 10

Robots with abilities beyond human comprehension - and then there are those that are simple, they breath fire. Sneaky little aliens, always coming back at us not with something beyond our human understanding that 20 scientists on earth would need 35 minutes of educating us with nerd-speak to relate and understand. Nope, just straight up, beat up , with the heat up, that REALLY sucks when it happens in summer. Always, a great idea to avoid.

Avoidance meter - 5 / 10

So, to conclude we need to have and do the following.

Get the essential essentials, get the other essentials, get the secondary essentials (have I not covered all this for you already?)

Get your family

Get mobile

Head for the hills

Trust no one

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See that girl you happen to stop by that is asking for directions on the road because she is lost? pfffftttt, she is an ALIEN, Run!!!!!!!

In FINAL SUMMARY - PRINT OUT THIS GUIDE & STICK IT ON YOUR FRIDGE, LET ALL YOUR FRIENDS KNOW ABOUT THIS GUIDE SO THEY KNOW WHAT TO DO IN AN ALIEN TAKE OVER CRISIS SITUATION.

REMEMBER!!!!!!!! DON'T USE TWITTER! DON'T USE FACEBOOK & KNOCK ON YOUR NEIGHBORS DOORS!

0-00-0 If you never hear from me again it means GOOGLE is really being operated and run by aliens and they have tracked my transmission.... 0-00-0