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YOU Can Learn How To Throw A Great Party!

Updated on March 10, 2014

In a Rut

You are in a rut. Too much of the 'same old same old' has made YOU feel like 'yesterday's news ' but without all the cool photos?

You want to RE-CHARGE your life with a little excitement?

Why not throw a party?

You don't know how? You've never had a party before? Where have YOU been living, in a monastery?

At any rate, follow me and I'll show you the ropes. No problem. Please pay attention, because you will be tested afterwords.

It's All in the Planning

Allow me to let you in to a little secret...


Divide the guests up into the following groups. According to my research, everyone fits into at least one of these categories:

  • I'm Here for the Drinks
  • I'm Here Under Obligation
  • I'm Single but Looking
  • I'm Younger Than I Look!
  • I Tell Old War Stories
  • I'm Dumb but GORGEOUS!
  • 'm Here to Sell You Insurance
  • I Have No Inhibitions!
  • I'm A Wealthy Widow
  • Served Time for Tax Fraud
  • I Have a Toad in My Pocket
  • I Can Do Math in My Head

2. Corral the Guests

Make sure, at least for the first hour, that you keep these groups separate. Setup a simple series of ropes around your living-room and assign each group to it's own domain.

This will avoid premature confrontation between say, the 'Dumb But GORGEOUS!' and 'I Can Do Math in My Head' groups which would be a potentially disastrous mix.

Cautionary note: Make sure to never allow the "I'm Here for the Drinks" people to go near the pool. In my experience they more often than not end up falling in and getting their head stuck in the scum-filter. Best to keep them away from water. Use restraints if necessary.

3. Party Games

After some preliminary segregation, the guests have probably talked over the ropes and familiarized themselves with one another to some extent, so it is now safe to take down the ropes and allow free mixing. After all, everyone is labelled so there shouldn't be any upsetting confrontations.

Now the list:

1. Have everyone take their shoes off and compare who's toenails are best manicured.

Give prizes for the cleanest feet.

2. Turn off all the lights and see if people can recognize each other by just feeling faces.


Watch out for 'fingers up the nose' and 'getting poked in the eye'! Advise accordingly.

More Party Ideas

3. Have some mild electric current run under your carpeting before the party and turn the switch. Watch everyone dance and leap around.

Amusing and harmless.

Note: make sure a qualified electrician sets it up. Otherwise you can melt their shoes.

5. Hire a clown to seriously read President Obama's latest speech verbatim.

6. Have everyone change clothes with the person standing next to them.

7. Get a hair-dryer and go around the room blowing off toupees. (there's bound to be some with those real-estate salesmen there.)

8. Have a sing-a-long to songs in languages nobody can speak.

Things to Say to Get Conversation Rolling:

Breaking the ice is not as difficult as you have been led to believe, even though most people would prefer to run The Boston Marathon in the nude than be asked to do it.

So lets look at a few tips.

1. Be aggressive.

Try "what's up with you?" or "What are you staring at?"

Use hand gestures to emphasize.

This always puts them on the defensive and leads to a rollicking conversation.

2. Be cantankerous.

Try "You look like you're hiding something...I wonder what it is?"

3. Be argumentative .

Try "Hey! You look like one of those 'bleeding heart liberals! Am I right?"

All the above are guaranteed to get an answer of some kind. And from there, 'the sky's the limit!'

Well there are a few totally 'rockin' suggestions for you. I have to go and start my next party!

I do hope everyone there enjoys my new surprise...wouldn't you just love to know what it is?

Maybe I'll invite you.


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