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How the Universe Works: A Personal Discovery (Humor)

Updated on October 31, 2013
DzyMsLizzy profile image

An amateur comedienne, Liz loves humor & practical jokes, so Oct.31 and Apr.1st are her favorite days all year. Let the laughter begin! :-D

An Innocent Beginning...

Late into the night we'd all sit, over coffee and snacks at the local Denny's Restaurant. Usually there were about five to eight of us regulars, and we would move the tables and chairs to accommodate our group all together. The wait staff and manager knew us all by name, for this was a nightly ritual when a play was in rehearsal.

We'd place our orders, usually for desserts, and the chatter would begin. Oh, it began simply and sensibly enough. We'd discuss the finer points of the script, what blocking changes needed to be made in the action, or laugh about something that went wrong, or a joke someone had played.

A Wild Ride Into Speculation

Gradually, though, the conversation would take off into weird science space, and we'd be off and running with crazy theories about the Universe and how it all works.

Hey--maybe we were right. All of us had at least some college under our belts, and a couple had advanced degrees. Where we had the advantage over conventional physicists, though was that we were not stuck in some stuffy laboratory.

We had the free run of the limits of each of our individual and collective imaginations, as well as the entire complement of the table settings with which to illustrate our points.

Salt and pepper shakers became comets and black holes; napkins became cloaking devices and the flatware all the possible combinations of as many galaxies and/or universes as there might be.

At first, at this point, the wait staff would head for the farthest reaches of the restaurant, sure that they had a bunch of kooks high on some substance or other on their hands. Gradually, though, we won their trust, and they learned that we were merely "high" on the energy of the evening's performance. One gal used to even join in the madness during her break time.

Illustrating how the universe works is easy
Illustrating how the universe works is easy | Source

The Tools In Play

We used the simplest of devices. Who needs clumsy calculators with all their obscure scientific notation symbols? It is so easy to press the wrong button, and toss all your careful work out the window. No, we relied on solid, physical items.

Knives were parallel universes; forks were crossing, or perpendicular universes and spoons were gravitational warp fields. Now, I know, that last sound like it comes right out of Star Trek, but hey--I think those folks were onto more than they let on!

As previously mentioned, salt represented comets, and pepper, black holes. The napkins, also mentioned before, were cloaking devices. Not that we were talking about star ships, but we postulated that the various universes themselves might be cloaked.

We Had It All Figured Out

I'm actually quite surprised that our findings were not broadcast worldwide. I'm sure we each deserve the Nobel Prize in cosmology for our contributions.

But, I've kept you in suspense long enough. It's time to reveal the mysteries of the Universe and the Great Beyond, as we explored and unraveled it so many years ago.

Please take a seat, as these results are liable to be quite shocking, as well as profound.

Here's how it all works: you are driving down the road, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, the cloak is pulled from a perpendicular universe, and wham! You are slammed into the car of another driver from that universe. Each of you thought you were in your own, nice, straight, cozy universe, until that cloak was pulled, and tangled you into each other's space.

Really, upon closer examination, that cloak is more like a force field that normally repels and keeps the contents of the various universes apart, but also hides them from view; it's a dual-purpose energy field.

So now you know--that's what really happens when you have an auto accident, or simply bump into someone on the sidewalk. You know that bush that you pass every day, until one day, it's right in your path and you fall into it? Bingo! A hole in the cloak!

We are still working on a device to detect these rips in space-time while they are still far enough away to be avoided. In the meantime, you have been warned.

Comments

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  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    4 months ago from Oakley, CA

    Hello Tim,

    Hahaha...no, the waiters and staff are not gods, but merely tools, serving up the means of illustrating this profound knowledge. Or who knows; perhaps they are each their own universe!

    Glad you enjoyed this bit of nonsense, and that you had similar fun with another group.

  • Tim Truzy info4u profile image

    Tim Truzy 

    4 months ago from U.S.A.

    All the riddles that kept me in my kitchen helping my wife prepare meals have been finally resolved - we are in the wrong universe. Denny's has a bigger kitchen; that's where I'm going. I'll pick up salt and pepper on the way.

    Does that mean the waiters and such are gods, ready to vanquish us to the sidewalk when we don't like the food?

    I laughed all the way through your article. It's funny as can be.

    Thank you for the humor. We did a similar thing at IHOP in my writers' group.

    Great hub.

    Thanks for the smiles.

    Sincerely,

    Tim

  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    12 months ago from Oakley, CA

    Oh, we had such great fun back then. Pardon, did you just spill the salt over that fork? Now you've done it: created a time paradox!

    LOL

  • k@ri profile image

    Kari Poulsen 

    12 months ago from Ohio

    LOL. Wish I could have been a part of those conversations! That's one of my favorite subjects. :)

  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    3 years ago from Oakley, CA

    Hi there, Sandyspider,

    LOL! No, I'm sure not; nor do I. I cannot pick up the shaker without waxing nostalgic for those days of yore.

  • Sandyspider profile image

    Sandy Mertens 

    3 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

    After this, I will never look at salt and pepper the same way.

  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    4 years ago from Oakley, CA

    Hello, GmaGoldie,

    Thanks so much; I'm most pleased you so enjoyed this bit of fluff and nonsense.

  • GmaGoldie profile image

    Kelly Kline Burnett 

    4 years ago from Madison, Wisconsin

    DzyMsLizzy,

    The world in all its complexities is finally simplified into the diner silver ware! Delightful! Thank you!

  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    5 years ago from Oakley, CA

    Hello, Don Fairchild,

    I'm delighted that you found this bit of fluff chuckle-worthy. Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving a hint of your own Nobel-worthy masterpiece. I'll be sure to be on the lookout.

  • Don Fairchild profile image

    Don Fairchild 

    5 years ago from Belgrade, ME

    Love it, just love it.... Reminds me of my days in college... As a matter of fact, I feel a Hub rising out of the noise level..... Yes, my previously undocumented theory of why we have light and dark periods during the day. Hint, it has a lot to do with photons collecting at the base of south facing walls.... :-)

  • ElizaDoole profile image

    Lisa McKnight 

    6 years ago from London

    hee hee!

  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    6 years ago from Oakley, CA

    Hi, ElizaDoole--

    Hee hee...Yep, you never know what's lurking in the kitchen drawers. Thanks for stopping by! ;-)

  • ElizaDoole profile image

    Lisa McKnight 

    6 years ago from London

    Thanks for sorting that one out for me. I knew there was more to knives and forks :)

  • DzyMsLizzy profile imageAUTHOR

    Liz Elias 

    6 years ago from Oakley, CA

    Hi, Nell-

    LOL--bubble wrap--oh, I shudder to think where the discussion may have gone were any of that stuff at our disposal at the time. Hee hee hee.

    Yeah--pepper shakers...grrr..... ;-)

    Thanks for the comment and the vote. I'm glad you enjoyed this bit of craziness.

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 

    6 years ago from England

    lol! that bush holds the key to the universe! what about a bubble universe? is that bubble wrap? haha! I actually think that the pepper could well be a black hole, at least it is in my house, I tip it on the food and there is a hole in the darn base of the thing! funny, voted up!

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