- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing»
- Humor Writing
How to Say Nothing and Get Paid for It: Discussion on God; Sex; Obama; Gay Marriage; and the Smurfs
The first thing any would-be writer of nothingness needs to know is that you must never say anything. Nothing is everything when it comes to producing nothing. The key is to fill the page with words that lead in circles that go nowhere but round and round, always turning and just following a loop of circularity that is not oval but constantly spherical in a flat-upon-the-page sort of non-sided geometrical way. Say nothing, say it well, and say it in a high enough word count to not get penalized by search engines. And no matter what you do, do NOT deliver what you promise up front.
Key Stuff About Keyword Stuffing
Another key element of writing nothing is to make sure that it is tedious and completely uninteresting to read. Pack keywords into it; stuff them in deeply. So, if you want to make an article about, say, “keyword stuffing,” make sure you talk about keyword stuffing and that you key in on stuffing the key words related to keyword stuffing. Don’t talk about things off topic like keys, donkeys, monkeys, blankeys, church keys or anything like that, nor should you use stuff about stuffing, as this is flakey word stuff, ingenious but bad. So, yeah, stuff keywords into any article about keyword stuffing, or, in our case, keywords about nothing.
Employ Girl Parts and Related Items
A third essential element of writing nothing but getting paid anyway is to include pictures of hawt Indian women, hawt women in general, and to use lots of talk about boobs, vaginas, sex, love, or dildos. All of these things will help your hub that says nothing contribute nothing and yet still make you some money. It’s great.
Polemics: A Key Word to Stuff in Your Article
When naming your article about nothing, make sure you invoke the most tired, tedious and beat-to-death topics you possibly can. It’s best if you go with the really, really dead horses like religion and politics, but “making money online” is good too. The more you can hype up your article by promising awesome returns or eternal salvation in glowing adjectives and adverbs the better. Especially constantly use lots of amazing, awesome, descriptive adjectives and adverbs of incredible power frequently, constantly and religiously. And remember, hyperbole is the greatest thing in the world!
No matter what you do, do NOT go back and proofread your stuff. Waisting time fixing mispellings and typoes and revizing stuff thats poorly written or edited bad will only serve to minimalize you're profits. Don't be the the one to get sucked in to the tyranny of the gramar natzis. (You have my word that I will not go up and proofread this hub. That is my quality guarantee).
The last thing to remember is to self-promote. Once you have written nothing, you need to make sure that nothing shows up on Google right away. You don’t want nothing to go un-noticed, so make sure you share nothing with everyone. Put nothing in your signature, nothing in all your emails, even post nothing forums threads pretending to want criticism about nothing at all. It’s awesome. Even go to other sites and write about nothing and have links that point to nothing too.
And for more information, and some pictures of this incredible naked chick all covered in oil with huge boobs, check this site out:
(See how that works!)
So anyway, nothing is awesome. Write one. Write a hundred. Just do it and watch the money roll in. Or nothing.