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Can Humans Live On Jelly Beans?

Updated on March 24, 2014
Oh lord I am hungry
Oh lord I am hungry

The Short Answer Is...


But the long answer is...


Holy cow jelly beans are good. I ate six bags today. Six bags of jelly beans. They weren't no wussy assorted bags, either. No way. I ate six bags of popcorn flavored Jelly Belly's. DEAR SATAN I will sell my soul to you for more jelly beans. They're so good. Unfortunately, I still need proper sustenance otherwise I can't keep projectile vomiting these words out onto the internet for you all to read. But what if we could? What if someone invented a jelly bean with essential vitamins and minerals for survival, and then put enough of them in a bag to be "one serving" like one well-balanced meal?

What would you say to that?

I don't know why this doesn't exist. I'm seriously racking my brain trying to figure it out. We can build artificial hearts, bring people back from the dead, and shoot human being into space (without killing them) but we can't invent a jelly bean that tastes good and has vital nutrients? There's no way.

These jelly beans have personalities which is actually terrifying.
These jelly beans have personalities which is actually terrifying. | Source

Nutrition 101

Have you read any of my other hubs? Have you even read this hub? You're going to take nutrition advice from me? Well here goes.

First and foremost you need bananananananas. I don't know when to stop with the anananana so I just keep going until I'm sure I spelled the whole word. Might be a little overkill. Anyway, bananananananas have potassium which does something, I don't know.

Next you need iron. Iron is good because it makes your poop sink to the bottom of the toilet. How that's good for you, I don't know, but it's important that you don't have any floaters. To get iron, you literally have to eat rocks. If rocks are not in your diet your poop will not sink.

Water. You need water to survive. I know, it's flavorless and boring. I hate it. Maybe try drinking lemonade? Some teas will actually dehydrate you or are diuretic. Which sounds like it means "gives you diarrhea" but actually means "make you pee like a pregnant racehorse".

Human flesh. Wait no sorry that's not right.

I think fish is good for you. I don't know maybe because they live in the water? Is that a way you can get water? Watermelon has water in the name maybe you should eat that? Too much and you'll have the Hershey squirts though. Which reminds me...

Chocolate! You need that in your diet. Particularly dark chocolate. It has antioxidants or something. Just don't eat it before bed or you will be up all night. Trust me, I know (that's why I'm writing this at 2 AM).

Pizza. Pizza is a necessary vitamin or mineral because it's the most American thing you can eat. What? It's Italian? That can't be right. Have you seen American culture? It's American.

Oh vitamin D. You gotta get the D. I think you can absorb that through the sun. Just be careful because while you're photosynthesizing some D you could get cancer and die. And that's a terrible thing. That's the opposite of the goal of this hub.

Check out these funky shaped ones.
Check out these funky shaped ones. | Source

New-Trition (I just came up with that pretty sweet huh)

So here's my suggestion: we take Nike's advice and just do it. There's no sensible reason why we can't just make this work. There's little jelly kids vitamins isn't there? I mean I understand those vitamins aren't fully packed with everything we need but I don't see a reason why we can't have little Flintstones jellys bouncing around in our children's stomachs in an adequate fashion that allows us to not have to feed them real food.

Can chicken eat chicken? Is that cannibalism? Fish eat other fish. Sorry that just popped into my head.

I mean, real food these days is actually pretty disgusting, unless you eat only organic. All of our food is either injected with hormones or spray covered in pesticide. And then you eat it. You wipe the ranch dressing from your chin and say "thank you". You're disgusting.

Soylent Jelly Beans are not people. But they could be. Why don't we have that? It's people! Soylent green is people!

What's Your Favorite Jelly Bean Flavor?

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This is the nutjob who created Jelly Belly's


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