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Updated on August 21, 2019

If I say am okay I'd be lying, the only reason I'd say that is not to worry nobody and because am still trying to hold in the tears, really.
I saw a man and a woman holding hands with their kid and all I could think about was ' That could have been us' . In truth am pretty about everything , I over think and that's just me, I don't seem to change even when I lie to myself that it's gonna be okay, or I'll find another and it will be like nothing ever happened.
Is that I never said that "I love you" enough or I just never called to check up on you like you wanted.
I swear I didn't know what pain was till we were no more. I didnt know what pain was until my friends asked me to delete your photos as the first step of moving on. I honesty didn't know what heartbreak meant until I had to read the promises and the vows we'd made. I didn't know heartbreak until I had to delete all the conversations like the years before meant nothing.
They also told me that time heals, but I need more than just time to get over you .
I'll need more than overdoses of portions to at least help me go a day without without thinking about you or the moments we had together.
Have done stuff I never thought I'd ever do, all in the name of washing the pain away, but none seems to work.
When its about you am always sober even when I don't wanna be sober.
My problem is I always think that moments last forever , and when everything is going great I seem to get lost in the time and when I wake, it's all gone. Quickly, faster than lightening striking a tree down..
And I'd be lying if I said am over you, because every single day seems like the first day without you.
But I'll try understand that you are more happy on the other side of the pasture. I'll try understand that things are better and you are at peace.. I'll try understand that the heart wants what it wants, just not in my case.
I'll try understand that what's meant to be will just be
I still wash pain away with more pain, like watching you hold hands with him. Give him the smile that was always meant for me. Kiss him like you used to do me. Listen to you say you love him like nothing else matters.
And in good faith, I wish you the best and happiest of life. I hope he treats you better, I hope he's worth the pain I swallow daily...
I hope he is Mr right..
I hope he is everything I never was...
.. But deep deep inside , I will always love you. And I'll always look out for you even if we seem to be just strangers for now..

© 2019 Amani Utembu


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