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Life Could Never Be Imagined!

Updated on April 5, 2017

This was written in the hours preceding the wait of a prognosis from a doctor I did not know, in sterile halls too far from my inner home. It was written in a want for answers that could not negotiate the questions that descend the frightened mind. I remain, neither less nor more than the pain and joy which will inevitably script my days, just a human vessel holding measures both of gladness and despair. Regardless of my want, both rain with such intensity that I can not distinguish which is wet and which is dry, but, I am made alive which ever falls upon my life. Either way, I find both the devil and my God within these sterile halls. One or both shall script the coming hour; One too terrible to bear or one too bright to occupy the fear of dying.

What if its all a dream, an evolving fictitious fantasy

Just a want, hatched in the light of my own fading reflection

giving birth in wombs pregnant with illusion?

Just an unfolding dream, a fleeing wisp of unconscious sleep

reaching outward, upward, downward, but never where I really am?

What if its all a dream just leaking from my sleep

leaking from the still of some distant and elusive vapor

that slips the light calling through cracks in walls that keep my mind?

keeping the image of an imprinted life stolen in a brief escape

then returning, looking out from the tomb that keeps the dream.

What if its all a dream, you and I and life?

Just a puff of fleeting subconscious fog

at the whim of outer winds which then current illusions

writing them in scattered pretenses which we read

upon the pages we call days, living vicariously in disturbed dreams.

What if its all a dream, love and days, you and me

just invisible hope projected on the surface of a distant vapor?

No! It must be real, such an unscripted and demented dream

could never find a mind so mad or insanity so craft

to script moments so disturbed, so utterly deranged.

What mind could be so unhinged to birth such dream out of a dark and deep despair?

That would cut so deep the human heart and amputate the pulse

What fiend would bandage wounds in coming episodes?

There is no mind so unbalanced as to dream itself the pain

and then establish perpetual residence in a created fantasy


No! It is real. Even we ourselves can not corrupt with such efficiency

the script that spills upon the pages of our unfolding lives.

There is no madness, mad enough, to pen such that the days will write.

No deep so deep from which to draw, with human reach, such a disturbing tale.

No, surely we would instead bury the madness beneath moments of human splendor.

It is not a dream. It is the ecstasy of hope and rising joy

Challenged, confronted, met and mustered, pitched against the uninvited.

From the unfolding script that tells of victories and defeats

the unimaginable reality that lacks the courage to live in dreams

is instead, slung indiscriminately from the quiver of our days.

We are not mad or insane. We are the conquerors of the unfathomable

the unimaginable, the un-dreamable, keepers of the incomprehensible.

We are the warriors of every battle not yet come, of pains and joys, yet unborn.

We are the sanity that dresses every madness, yet unscripted by the days.

The future light that hurls itself against every coming and insidious unborn dark .

No, we are not a dream. We are the very real, the unrehearsed, the unprepared.

We are the alive. Born to fill the approaching and unlived moment

with every real and stubborn breath that braves to leave our lungs.

To scream in opposition, to rail against the script that begs from us, surrender

until we are dragged and torn from the clock that mimics the beating of our heart

Life is the spark that ignites our souls, that blazes in the furnace from flicker to flame

It heats the ink with a passion needed to fever the scripting of unfolding hours

and with defiance, writes the pages that will not perish from either pain or joy

No. It is not a dream. There are no minds so mad, nor hearts so near divine

to script a life so bright or dark from either fantasy or dream.

There is no light so bright nor dark so black that a human mind contrive

such utter joy, such dismal pain, must be scripted from both a devil and a God!


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    • profile image


      3 years ago

      Hi Nellieanna. What a treat to chat with you. The loop we are doing does not go that far south. We begin at Olympic, through Glacier and Yellowstone to Colorodo, Utah, Ariz and 7 in California. I have already begun gathering info to include. My hope is to complete 60% prior to leaving and fill in upon returning with experiences and photo's. Miss you and hope to talk soon.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      3 years ago from TEXAS

      What a pleasure to hear from you, Alan! Thank you. You do sound really busy and much pleasant planning! So glad to know you're active and the medical procedures either in the past or dwindling into it!

      Is one of the 25 national parks on your coming itinerary The Big Bend National Park, by any chance? :-) It's a big place, but my ranch is in the next county, just east of it, and just west of the Pecos River.

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      Hello dear friends. Just a note to say I am fine, simply too busy to do what I love best. Emily has moved back to Bend to give birth to another grandchild. I've had a couple of medical procedures which have required some rehab and we have been traveling a lot which is my second love. Working full time takes most of my time these days. Currently planning 25 national parks in 60 days and a book chronicling the adventure. I have been writing what I can ahead of time and gathering material so that I will simply add pics and experience when I return. Leaving Aug 15 of 2016. Anyway, thanks for checking in. I really do hope to write soon. Be well.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      3 years ago from TEXAS

      Like Audrey, I drop by from time to time to see if there has been any activity on your hub site. You are missed and thought about regularly.

      Having just now re-read this hub, I feel more concerned about this prolonged absence. But for whatever reason you've needed to be away from all of us fans and followers, I wish and pray for you the best. Hugs and love. ~


    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 

      5 years ago from California

      I don't know if you come this way anymore Alan--But I think of you and hope you are well---

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      5 years ago from TEXAS

      I'm almost as pleased for you that you are looking forward to these 2 upcoming weeks of 'just living' as I'd be doing them myself. But wait! - it's what I do all the time! :-) haha!

      Your plans sound truly delightful. Yes, I thought it too much for mere coincidence when, after hearing about your Zoe, I learned that my third granddaughter named her little daughter Zoe, too! Before, I'd only heard it as names for people in novels!

      Enjoy your vacation, dear friend

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Hello Nellieanna! Jeff and Ali have rented a house on the beach on Balboa Island for a wedding we are all attending. It will be a good time for us all. Prior to that Randy and I will take Amtrack to the bay area to visit my oldest son and his wife. 2 full weeks of just living.

      I will write a sequel to Zoe and record her first two years upon our family. I best begin soon as her birthday is 1 month away. I can't believe you now have a Zoe also. There is something more than happenstance here. You are in my thoughts, butterfly. Be well and know that you too, are missed.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      5 years ago from TEXAS

      Just touching base, dear Alan. I've not left any comments in your absence, but have kept an eye out for any of yours, so it's a real treat to see you and hear what sounds like happier news: - a vacation, which must be greatly needed. It will be great when you can give us your next hub to enjoy! I saw that you intend to write a sequel to Zoe's story. That will be a delight.

      I now have a great-granddaughter named Zoe! How about that!

      Take care and know you and yours are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Reading anything I write 3 times deserves some kind of trophy. I will consider such event when I return from vacation. This is one of my favorites so I am glad that you like it. It confirms my feeling for it. Be well my dear friend. I hope to speak soon.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Hello Genna. I am so sorry for the delay. I was gone for a month and after returning home we had family arrive for two weeks and now we are leaving again for a vacation.

      Thanks so much for the kind words. This is one of my favorites. I so enjoyed thinking and writing it. Ceci is undergoing radiation now and then a second surgery for removal of a lymph node and then reconstructive surgery. We continue to bathe her in prayer. Be well dear Genna and thanks for the faithful visit. It is so appreciated.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 

      5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Good Evening Alan - This is the third time I have come to this Hub and read it and the third time it has filled me with a fierce anticipation and determination about life and all that it holds. And I mention the tears that come each time, not to appear maudlin or garner sympathy or some such, but because in my life three things elicit unbidden tears from me: loss of a loved one, great beauty, and profound and deep truth, usually spiritual or universal truth. In this case, both the fierce beauty of your words and the "trueness" of the truth contained in your declaration moved me. We miss you. Theresa

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 

      5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Ohhhh, Alan, there is Shakespearean-like brilliance here…a command of profound wisdom in addressing the complexity of the human condition and faith that speaks like no other.

      “What mind is so unhinged to birth such dream in dark and deep despair?

      That would cut so deep the human heart and amputate the pulse

      What fiend would bandage wounds in coming episodes?

      There is no mind so unbalanced as to dream itself the pain

      that would then invade the sanctity of such created fantasy.”

      Such illuminating poetry is more than honest…it is like the revelation of the soul, and leaves me speechless.

      My thoughts and prayers are still with Ceci, and with you and your family. Hugs and my best to all.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      5 years ago from TEXAS

      It was not my high regard for the IRS but their insistence on compliance that placed my preference for you way ahead of them in my now 'tight' schedule. But I'm smiling. That wasn't a very wonderful compliment, was it? Thank you for the good humor about it! I meant it as one.

      I had one of the returns finished today but the TurboTax program for estates glitched and wouldn't print it because it referred to a different tax program when it insisted on my reviewing a printed form before actually printing it to mail. E-filing it in was vetoed, too. They said that estate taxes can't be submited by e filing. Tomorrow I'll reinstall the program and redo the whole thing and hold my breath that it will print.

      At least I know I don't owe - the estimated taxes paid quarterly more than took care of it so it will get a refund. So no interest and penalties if I have to get an extension. If tomorrow's effort doesn't fix it, I'll have to abandon it for now and do my own (with the ranch's) return. Fun, fun. Actually, once I'm into the taxes, it's sort of fun. Not like really fun, though.

      But they're one of the given eventualities, aren't they?


    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Hello embarrett91, I am humbled that found enough in my ramblings to leave a comment. Thank you. I look forward to reading your work as my absurdly busy days permit.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      I must say, butterfly, being pushed ahead of the IRS is indeed significant. I believe they are held somewhere between bats and rats. Understanding however, that they insist upon certain compliances from all of us, I will claim my rightful place in your garden until the rains wash me from there. Your words are refreshment to my soul and I shall keep them as always, locked away safely in my friendship vault.i

    • embarrett91 profile image


      5 years ago

      This is a very enlightening piece and beautifully written . I too wonder thoughts like this every day. I have a few poems written as well similar to this and a story that is based on the idea that everything your brain imagines can be real, IS real, in your mind, and therefore what if we are the imagination of something else. Voted up!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      5 years ago from TEXAS

      Thank you for your wondrous reply. You describe the acceptance of faith in grounded reality beautifully, Alan. Isn' t reality what we've been given with which to learn, after all?

      "Faith is ground, unafraid to drink the rain because it knows, the rain is not the end." Not only is it not the end, but its visits are vital to life, as well as to faith.

      Surely some pre-knowledge of the future would unnerve us, while the good things of the future would lose their surprise and delight value without sharing their lovely reality if pre-known. By the time their reality came, it would come tarnished with familiarity, rather than bursting with newness.

      Much better to let them happen in their own moments and enjoy or endure the moments at hand, which ARE to be lived fully; & wait to deal with those in a nonexistent 'future', bringing along with our accumulated experience, immediate aliveness and on-the-job ability in that future if and when it arrives 'disguised as' the Present again which will then exist! Allows us to protect our fragile hearts from present (not anticipated or remembered) dangers, where we have 'a first-hand handle' on them, so to speak. It's not a bad setup & surely the one we're designed to use to better prepare for tomorrow's challenges.

      In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus summed it up concisely: "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Sounds a little negative but when it turns out better, a happy surprise. Anyway, it doesn't predict negativity but is an adage for containing it within its own built-in confines if and when it comes. Not much need for adages to help one handle joy, is there? :-)

      He doesn't suggest to ignore one's downers; merely to let them go when they're spent and new ones are standing in the wings.

      Which is burden and which is joy, rain or sun, depends on the current factors. Too much of either one tarnishes its image of beneficial. We're praying for rain here, but I see that the PNW is being drowned. Thus illustrating that perspective determines value of otherwise neutral effects. Doesn't that suggest that subjective perspective can be altered during its passage, while the neutral real effects cannot until it alters itself?

      It's clear that you're already doing just that. already made alive by whichever has come upon your life and realizing it's yours to which to respond, yourself. I'd probably say that you've made both come alive, since you're the one possessing the life and they're merely a meteorological effects, each with its own benefits and risks.

      The divil and God perspectives are not too different, perhaps, as far as any individual goes. Both come and go in our awareness. Welcoming our visitors wisely is the gentle thing to do.

      How vivid an example must Ceci's daily condition be, of all the unknowns and possibilities to come! Additional cancers. Oh my. We all can only live the moments that her present condition bring close to us. As you say, they prepare us in their progression. Flowers might be washed away by a torrent, but its roots will probably produce new blossoms. Pressing the remains of those brought down is a gentle reminder of their past life while one waits for the new blossoms to appear on the re-vitalized stems from the tenacious vital roots. We've experienced regrowth from nothing but those roots that stay grounded after our storms. If we nurture those rather than tending so devotedly to the withered petals which cannot regrow themselves, we will reap new flowers with vitalized petals and center which provide jobs for butterflies and nourish bees. It's called life, I think. It's very nature depends on the variables and changes which swing back and forth between extremes at time, or linger in its middle zones, but which ends if it comes to rest in its center without any more changes.

      Call it resignation to life's vicissitudes or call it going with their flow, so long as we are aligned with life and not fighting it, we are alive - and more well than we always may realize! When we do realize, we also realize that we have more of what we want than we'd known.

      I hope you forgive me my impertinence. Perhaps it's a benefit of my antiquity and/or of almost feeling another's pulse. In the time remaining to me, I'm unlikely to always be cautious.

      Between you and taxes, I've demonstrated which is more important to me. Bless his heart, Uncle Sam comes in second!

      I wish you a safe and pleasant journey home and my prayers and thoughts continually abide with Ceci, her doctors, Randy and you in this loving vigilance.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Good Morning dear Nellieanna! It is good that we don't have all the answers. I fear that some of them would drain the joy otherwise waiting in tomorrow. Better that I face them as they come. Such script allows my canvas to drink from the goodness and beauty which separates the pain and wound which is residue of any battle. I can not imagine the burden of knowing more than the fragile heart was designed to endure. God alone can weather such that we are spared. Like the calamity of an endless rain, pain falls intermittently across the our landscape and our ground though wet is spared from drowning. No, better that we live in moments and leave tomorrow to its coming. Better to let rain do what it has come to do. The sun will come again and do what it has come to do. Without their alternating visits I would drown in want of one or burn in want of the other. As it is, I do not know when rain will come. Though it will come, I have learned that knowing it is coming does not always prepare me for its coming. Faith is not an umbrella. Faith is ground, unafraid to drink the rain because it knows, the rain is not the end.

      I will head home this week. My taxes were simple and are complete though my work awaits the remedy of my return.

      They found additional cancers in Ceci and as yet, there are only questions, too few and elusive answers and tomorrows which will prepare us as they unfold. Whether they come with rain or sun they will fall the same into moments which will script my life. My ground does not fear the rain, but, it hopes that the flowers I've learned to love are not washed away. They are not mine to keep, but want does not surrender as easily as the ground. If I can, I should pick from them and as they dry, press them between the pages of my heart where the rain shall have no entry. One can not prepare for every rain that falls. Sometimes we must resign to getting wet. In such a case, my tears will mingle with the rain and travel with my flowers. My faith will plant them once again where God will be both perfect rain and sun.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 

      5 years ago from TEXAS

      ". . . We are the very real, the unrehearsed, the unprepared.

      We are the alive. . . ."

      Such profundity, though only one sentence among so many which vibrate with all that 'alive' implies and means. We need not invent religion. There IS faith. It's not ours to design or build, but to merely realize. We don't have to have all - or, indeed, any of - the answers! They'll unfold by their own volition - or not. Voila!

      I'll be reading this again and again, preserving it for referral, dear Alan. My words are superfluous, anyway. I've nothing more to add to your epiphany. Peace, dear Alan.


      BTW - this is my week to be somewhat MIA doing taxes & a couple of other urgent matters; - ah, such mundane and so far, I've not posted a single item to the returns, though today was to have been my serious 'start-day'.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Hello Martin! I've been MIA for awhile and I know you have been busy. Thanks for reading. Wonder is the predecessor knowledge!

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Hello Faith Reaper! Thanks so much for your kind words. I am honored by your frequent visits and I promise to acquaint myself with your work when I return. Be well.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      hello damian! Thank you for reading. Your kind words are greatly appreciated. I will look forward to visiting your work when I return.

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Yes Curiad, As it always was, is and will always be Thank you Mark and I hope this finds you well..

    • arb profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from oregon

      Hello Jim! I am always gratified by your visits, but never more than here. Thank you for the words of encouragement and the praise assigned my latest write. It is a work that fell quickly and with the briefest allocation of spare time, for writing has eluded me of late. I hope all is well and hope to return soon. Be well my friend.

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 

      5 years ago from San Francisco

      Thank you for putting forth your perspective on this subject. In my life I sometimes wonder.

    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 

      5 years ago from southern USA

      Really profound and intensely beautiful write.

      Great work! Voted up ++++ and sharing

      God bless, Faith Reaper

    • damian0000 profile image


      5 years ago from Belfast

      I completely agree with the opening post... this is a wonderful piece of writing, beautifully put together and the descriptive power is quite inspirational.

      I would feel myself extremely happy and proud to have written this... Excellent hub, Arb!

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 

      5 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Only in the heart and spirit of God could what we know be imagined!


    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 

      5 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Amazing is so overused as to be useless, wonderful is too weak a word to describe this story of life, its pleasures and it torments, its challenges, its defeats and its triumphs. Alan, I can sense the depth of feeling that went into writing this, and it is a deep and moving piece of work.


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