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Its all your own fault!

Updated on November 15, 2010

It's you! You're the problem.

It's all your fault.

It always was all your fault and it's really silly of you not to see it. It's high time you recognized yourself and I'm gonna help you with it because I'm kind, decent and a bloody genius!

Firstly, just understand that nothing has changed in the world ok? It's just that you can't keep up. The peak hour traffic is doing exactly what it always does, it doesn't change at all.

You are a part of the peak hour because your life is organized in to time blocks that correspond with it so that's your fault for starters.

After all, if you're one of those who are pissing in the milk, you can't complain that it's tainted now can you?

Lets face it. You shouldn't drive in peak hour traffic, you don't have the temperament for it.

You don't pick the traffic lanes well, or early enough either. That's why you have to shove in at the last minute to make your turn offs. To be honest, you're a lousy driver. You should have left 15 minutes earlier to compensate for your lack of ability.

You should also have been getting smarter about your driving generally by now. Then you wouldn't have endangered yourself by almost having an accident when you met another person who is blaming the traffic like you do and drives as poorly as you do.

My only advice is to slow down even more and ....... don't turn the radio on! You will lose even more of the tiny bit of concentration you possess now if you do, and that would be even more dangerous.

Front up! Realize that you are a menace on the roads, it's all your fault so just get over it and take the bus from now on.

It's also come to my notice how many times you need to make the same mistake in other areas of your life before you learn.

The kids are always spilling something if you let em loose, you know that. So who's fault is it that chocolate got on the fancy lace trim of the evening gown when you showed it to them?

Why are you still so insecure that you needed the approval of a 3 and 5 year old anyway?

Get over yourself!

A photo of me on a good day.

I don't always look this good!
I don't always look this good!

Remember when you got the opinions of the kids about that new sexy "little black dress" you spent the month's housekeeping money to buy?

You should know by now the little ones are going to tell you they can see your bum, and that black makes you look as if you were dead. I think "You look fat in that" should have done it for you last time. No point running out of the room crying ...... what did you really expect? Did you think they were going to ask if it is available in their size?

You know full well that you're clumsy too, yet you still insist on stacking the dishes on the sink until they are so high they slide off the bench one by one and explode when they hit the floor.

Then knowing full well that you have a bad back, you bend down awkwardly to sweep up the pieces and do your back in again. You are a slow learner ain't you? Who to blame for that? Clearly it's your fault!

Another thing I would like to point out is your habit of getting up every morning early and rushing to log on to read your latest adsense income only to find that it is still at .01 cent as it has been for the last three years. You have been online long enough to be used to failure, it should not be something you have to reinforce hourly!

You have to write stuff that people read, whinging in an "article" about the incident with the little black dress and the ankle biters just won't put you in the big league earning group online.

I've tried not to be too critical in this hub as I know you are very sensitive to being given advice.

That sensitivity thing. It's all your fault too.

Tell you what.

Why don't you have a nice cuppa tea, lie back and read another nice hub like this one!

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    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      "Thank you, ............. thank you very much!"

      (said like Elvis.)

    • HattieMattieMae profile image

      HattieMattieMae 6 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      love your hub! Very true! :)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I woz thinkin of picklin some fer the winter season.

      Surely someone amongst the religious fanatics has a recipe?

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      You push it 'round and I'll cheer you on!

      May as well indeed!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Now Candie, you know that's too many sillyballs fer me to read!

      The camel dung ball is the go if we can keep it goin round, (if ya know what I mean.)

      I will link these 2 hubs up.

      May as well get done for stealin a sheep as fer stealin a lamb.

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Perpetual motion and deja vu all rolled in one happy emu dung ball! The gift that keeps on giving!

      PS.. maybe you could link these two together? You know for those lazy sods who need a little help.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Geeze thanks Nell!

      All those people who said I was crass and that I musta been a chef cos all my taste was in my mouth ....... up yours! (Just kiddin!)

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

      Hi, ha ha brilliant! you got it, wow you got it! really made me laugh! there are so many people in this catagory, I could name names! lol but I don't think I have enough room here! I only came over to read your new hub, then it mentioned your old one and well here I am! now going over to read the one I was going to read in the first place! cheers nell

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Perpetual motion then? :)

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Enuf for the emu!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I dunno Candie, how much fibre is there in emu dung anyway?

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Awwww.... (I was gonna ask if you were getting enuf fibre in your diet)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      SO! Put the blame back on me would yah!

      OK I admit it then! ...... seein as you were all smoochy about it!

    • Candie V profile image

      Candie V 6 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

      Ok.. so I've spent too much time in your car care section I missed this one. I'd beg your forgiveness, but it's all my fault I missed it. My father always told me I have a keen perception of the obvious. Obviously I missed this one. I'm so sorry - if apologizing would even help. So I'm here. But first I read the second one. That's how I know I'd missed the first one. My bad. I know. It's all my fault.

      Heck.. no it's not. It's YOUR fault. You and your auto section. I like them and read them. So it's all your fault.

      I feel much better.

      Thank you.

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

      Hey Ern a few changes that are not all your fault. Cheers

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks Ryankett.

      When I wrote it I thought it was broad enough of the mark to not be taken personally, but one critic felt it was too close to what really happens and so not funny.

      I will see how the next one goes.

      I am glad you see I did not aim it at anyone, and loved the humor of those who included themselves to get a laugh.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks Kanga me old china! I am writing a second one, just for fun. I reckon it's pretty harmless fun.

    • profile image

      ryankett 6 years ago

      Keep it, anybody who find this offensive needs to take heed of this line "That sensitivity thing. It's all your fault too." Unless you specifically target something like this to an individual, rather than the entire English speaking global population, it could never been considered personal to anybody. I say bugger 'em.

    • Kangaroo_Jase profile image

      Kangaroo_Jase 6 years ago from Melbourne, Australia

      Hey Earnest,

      This is the type of material that our friends, family and especially our 'politicians' need to absorb anytime they start to suffer from the usual dose of 'tall poppy syndrome'.

      As usual mate - 11 stars and 3 thumbs up ! :)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Ain't that the truth!

      Seriously though, this is all in fun. :)

    • electricsky profile image

      electricsky 6 years ago from North Georgia

      It's like if everyone was like us we wouldn't have any problems with anyone.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Cags! I have had quite a bit of good feedback from hub friends like yourself, and I really appreciate it.

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 6 years ago from USA or America

      Hey Earnest, I wouldn't change a thing. Leave it as is for sure. I can say that I've observed much of what you displayed here and it's funny too. Thank you for sharing. :)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      There ya go Wesley! I like to keep my readers learning something new every day, and knowing it is all your fault was the least I could do for you!

      When you jump, just remember it's for the greater good.

      I would like a fresh trout if you see one.

    • WesleyMitchell profile image

      WesleyMitchell 6 years ago from Tampa Bay FL

      Thanks I never knew it really was all my fault ... Ill be jumping of a bridge if you need me to srew something up for you.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Mythbuster.

      I like my outstanding good looks to be noticed, although I must admit it was on a good day and I am prettier than usual.

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 6 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      Nice! Sarcastic, but nice. An extremely attractive pic of you, Earnest "on a good day." :)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      libby I am gonna arm myself with a squawking yellow duck that abuses all other road users.

      I figure if I abuse all of em I can't miss!

      Abe did a foolish thing!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I'm paranoid and deluded. Always helps when I want to know about people. I spend half my life in other people's dustbins.

    • libby101a profile image

      libby101a 6 years ago from KY

      Very good one Earnest! It drives me nuts when those idiots swing into traffic or right in front of you to exit.

      And that bit about the lady asking does this outfit make her look fat... I rolled laughing. It reminds me of a commecial about Abe Lincoln.... his wife asks him does the outfit make her butt look big.. and old Abe couldn't lie.. he said yes, and she runs out of the room upset!

      Great hub!!

    • profile image

      china man 6 years ago

      How do you know so much about me !!!! :D

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Sag'e I see your kind comments on my hubs all the time. I am honored by your continued presence.

    • Sa`ge profile image

      Sa`ge 6 years ago from Barefoot Island

      I loved this, please write more like this. I do like the way you write and I do not own a vehicle but I have interest in knowing the insides of them all my life so I come here now and then to read. This was so enjoyable to see. Thank you again for such a pleasant and funny read. :D hugs :D

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Niterider, you know it's all your fault!

      Your sensitivity is obvious... denying the milk thing ya know.... a dead giveaway!

    • Niteriter profile image

      Niteriter 6 years ago from Canada

      Yea okay, earnest. I was prepared to bite my tongue on this one but telling people about my sensitivity was just A Bridge Too Far. See if I'll ever give YOU a friendly phone call again.

      And it wasn't me who pissed in the milk. That one's all YOUR fault.

      Humph!

    • profile image

      P»i»e»r»c»E 6 years ago

      im a starter & i dont know what to do yet lol! i'm just enjoying reading funny hubs and i enjoyed this one from you earnest.. i just want to join, even if i'm not good in english language. i hope i will not be ignored haha

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Glad you finally owned up mate!

      It had to be someones fault, and we have all been waiting patiently all these years to find out who to blame.

      I may have had a hand in starting Star Wars myself, although my bank balance would be my best defense!

    • agvulpes profile image

      Peter 6 years ago from Australia

      I believe it was my fault the WWI broke out... no wait it was WWII.

      Personally I have grown to think they were both my fault :-)

      Great idea on the Caustic Button, this hub would get a million of em. And it WOULD be 'all your fault' lol

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks Stan! I would love a caustic button! What a great idea.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Loved it! Now Hubpages needs to add a few more buttons. "Caustic" would be a good one for starters. But since that's not an option, I'll go with funny.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Suzie Duzy, I enjoyed writing this bit of silliness, and may do a few more if it keeps getting traffic.

    • SUSIE DUZY profile image

      SUSIE DUZY 6 years ago from Delray Beach, Florida

      It's a great talent to always make your foibles someone elses fault. I wish I know how to do it. Very funny and good hub.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Angela I am real chuffed you had some fun with this. My big fear is that we always write about what we are!

    • pylos26 profile image

      pylos26 6 years ago from America

      Such a cool reflection!

      seems you have all the tools you need Earnest.

    • Angela Harris profile image

      Angela Harris 6 years ago from Around the USA

      Loved this! Voted funny for sure! And I need that illustration on a t shirt. It's me 6 days out of the week at least.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I like to think so too SirDent!

    • profile image

      SirDent 6 years ago

      There's nothing wrong with me, it is everyone else that has the problems.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thanks for the comment grillrepair, I think some of them are already taking xanax and a few other substances as well!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      I can relate to that! I fear we all can. Getting older helps though!

    • grillrepair profile image

      grillrepair 6 years ago from florida

      good stuff. i got that same horrifying sense of disgust like watching "whose afraid of virginia woolf?" life just builds up and builds up without the ability to dal with petty bs until the explosion. doctors prescribe xanax in record numbers!

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

      It's all your fault it the story of my life which I was told right from the beginning. By now, I just let it run through me and never bother to think about it hahaha

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      qwark have a great time my friend. I am writing more hubs that's for sure.

    • Jane Bovary profile image

      Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

      Uh oh, I'm feeling some strong identification here...

      I've really gotta stop checking that AdCents account.

    • qwark profile image

      qwark 6 years ago

      Holy Sh*T!

      I got dumped by a mental pygmy for 3 days.

      I'm heading out on a trip for about 2 weeks.

      By the time I get back you should be givin' 'em hell again.

      Take care and enjoy yer "down" time....:-)

      Qwark

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      quark I am well pleased you enjoyed it. I am still banned from the forums. You are right on the money.

      An intellectual dwarf and mental pygmy got me banned for no reason I can see, and I copped 4 weeks this time.

    • qwark profile image

      qwark 6 years ago

      HAHAHAHA Earn! Right on the money.

      You can write!... my Aussie friend!

      We missed ya!

      Thought maybe one of the "lesser evolved" had ya banned.

      Glad yer back.

      MORE!

      Qwark

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Well well! I didn't think I'd see you again till the new spring fashions came out!

    • ladyjane1 profile image

      ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

      Oh it makes me sad you dont remember me, I was neither of those, I was the one that took all your money and made a bonfire out of your clothes...member? you member!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you frogdroppings! I was thinking the same when I wrote this, but ended up writing it for myself anyway.

      I needed a break from writing my auto hubs.

    • frogdropping profile image

      Andria 6 years ago

      Ohhhh there's nothing quite so much fun as externalising blame earnest :)

      I think I've met as many as is good for one person in one lifetime. I was married to one for a start. Gosh but could he justify his every mistake and misdemeanour!

      Funny thing is ... this won't even slightly penetrate the thick skinned consummate externaliser. But who cares ... I enjoyed it :):)

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hi ladyjane! I thought I was describing one of my past wives. I remember most of them usually, but I will just ask.. are you the one who got the house but left me with the kids? Or the one who parked by sound?

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Thank you Whikat, well I needed a laugh myself and you just provided one. Clever!

    • Ohma profile image

      Ohma 6 years ago

      Great Stuff Earnest. Really struck home on a couple of points but I am not telling! LOL

    • ladyjane1 profile image

      ladyjane1 6 years ago from Texas

      Didn't you and I used to be married at one point? Oh well its just that you know me so well. LOL cheers and thanks for the laugh!

    • profile image

      Whikat 6 years ago

      LOL, what a funny read this morning. I found this right after I checked to make sure I still had that penny in my Adsense account and that little black dress in my closet. :) Thanks for the jolly fun read.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hi SOH! Loved your comment. I got 4 weeks ban off the forums, and for nothing as far as I can tell. I don't care much, I got to write a few hubs, but I do miss having a chat on the forums and my friends.

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hi Sweetsusieg. Thank you for the observation! I think unfortunately we all know someone like that.

      I am one of them at times!

    • bestbuddy profile image

      bestbuddy 6 years ago from Pakistan

      i find it a great stuff. its reality we always do undue blames on others as well as on our-self. Again a great effort

    • SomewayOuttaHere profile image

      SomewayOuttaHere 6 years ago from TheGreatGigInTheSky

      ....sippin' my coffee reading this, this a.m.

      ...i know a few people like that....i avoid them if can....i hate holding back on not saying anything that infers 'i told ya so'....but i do....i try not to sweat the small stuff...since it's not me....it's not my problem...that's what i say...especially when you are watching an accident about to happen...and you just know what the end of the story will be...

      loved the rant about the dress and asking the kids for their opinion....and yea, you said it 'you look fat in that'

      ...what's up with being surprised about rush hour traffic it's the same day in and day out......for some i guess it feels like it gets worse each time they tackle it and they don't learn.....but repeat the same scenario over and over....

      ha ha ha......thanks for the chuckle!

      hey, where've you been...haven't noticed you on the threads...busy i guess! Later...

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

      This is GREAT!! I love it! I know someone like this... Isn't it great to have broad shoulders to carry the weight of the world? hehehe

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Lovely comment EA! I had fun with it. I needed a break from writing car repair and workshop machinery hubs!

      I am single these days too, but no longer have my "Gizmo" a white/gold shit tzu running my life, I remember him barking right close to my face because I left him in the car for 5 minutes when he expected I'd be 3. He was a very independent little person who copped no crap and bossed everyone around using his cute back leg walks, head cocking or even mild violence to get his way. I miss him every day.

      He woke up every morning to take over the planet! I have twin 5 year old granddaughters and a 6 year old grandson to do all that stuff to me now!

      So pleased to hear you have the driving covered! Not driving in peak hour has been easy all my life, as I work for me and arrive WHEN I LIKE! The BIG exception is taking kids to kinda and preps. I do it a lot! Ballet lessons are out of peak hour thank goodness!

      I am so pleased you got a laugh!

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 6 years ago

      Good Morning Ernest!!

      What a hoot!! I am sitting here in my pajamas with my first cup of morning coffee laughing my fool head off!! And spilling my java down the front of my lovely yellow robe!! Which makes my little shit-tzu want to lick it all off while I'm trying to make this important comment!!

      Lucky for me I have chosen the single life and can happily accomodate all my idiocyncracies under one roof!! I do however have four very opinionated pets, each with alpha personalities!!

      As for driving, I am stellar on that one!! For years I only knew one speed: 95mph! After I had accumulated a basket full of tickets - and paid them all off - I had an epiphany!! I don't drive during peak hours, allow myself plenty of time and am Ms. Manners at all times!!

      Wonderful Hub full of GREAT laughter and self-reflection!!

      Blessings always, Earth Angel!

    • earnestshub profile image
      Author

      earnestshub 6 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Hi Alex! I had fun with it.

      Yes it is easy to blame the victim!

      Thanks for the comment.

    • AlexK2009 profile image

      AlexK2009 6 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland

      Love it. Always easy to blame the victim isn't it?