Jack Knife, of the Manitoba Knifes

You might say that good ol’ Jack Knife here is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

(Oh, to be sure, he is the sharpest Knife of the Manitoba Knifes. But that’s not really saying much. The local folk joke that all of the Knifes must have been down at the DQ the day they handed out IQs. They are a decidedly cranially challenged clan.)

But Jack is their star, their Golden Boy, their high achiever, for Jack has obtained a limited partial scholarship to Doofus State — term-long busfare, 3 memo pads, adjustable fannypack with matching soda can cozy, and an entire sleeve of styrofoam coffee cups bearing the ‘Regional Doofus Phys. Ed. & Wood Shop Teacher Appreciation Day 2009’ logo.

Jack won this ‘groundbreaking’ award for his senior-year internship project, replacing tee divots at the Lake Winnepegosis Women’s Rotary Par 3 in Camperville Province Park, Manitoba, Canada, John Knife, Sr., Park Groundsman.