Kindred Spirit - Martie Coetser

Hyphenbird, thank you for visiting and for a lovely comment. I couldn't agree more that Martie is a compassionate and loving lady.

Hello, Happyboomernurse. I'm most pleased to welcome you here. Thank you! It's great to have met Martie on here, too!

Mike - I'm smiling! Happy family reunions, - indeed, any family reunions - are increasing rarities in my life. Much distance, - in years, miles or hearts, - can make them so. One constraint is simply outliving 'most everyone. Even school reunions suffer that condition! So one treasures them all the more, as well as being delighted to include new family and friends - like you! :-)

Thank you for the visit and a pleasant reminder of the good and abundant times.

Ah, dear Martie, I was eager for you to see this tribute and note of appreciation to you! I can sense your response and it is quite gratifying.

While you're just awakening over there, I'm about to go to bed - a bit late, but I napped earlier. It's now 1:30AM as I'm starting to write this.

I agree that there are deep and intense attachments in cyberspace. I have some that have lasted my entire "cyberlife", which is now almost 15 years! That's longer than many marriages, as well as parent-child relationships! Those people are as dear to me as any I know in real life! In fact, in my case, too many of my oldest and dearest friends and virtually all my natal family are no longer living!

I really don't think too many folks will be too uncomfortable or embarrassed by outpourings of mother/daughter love and respect, even if it is cyber-based; they may feel a little wistful, perhaps, for their own. So, yes - I think our fellow Hubbers who witness this will smile and understand. After all, we all have had a mother and have unique feelings about her, however varying with individual circumstances.

I know I'm a little wistful for my own beloved Mother, Elcy, who has been gone from Earth over 37 years. I think of her and miss her still.

I am just having a cup of ginger tea before I go to bed. I seldom have anything after supper, but this is almost nostalgic. She used to make me ginger tea, especially if I had a sniffle or cramp. This is almost as good as hers; not quite, but almost. It makes me feel close to her in a more tangible way.

There are similar strong feelings toward our children & perhaps, especially to a mother, - a daughter is always someone extra-special, a kind of immortality of our own maternal beings. It's no accident that we think of our planet-home as Mother Earth or that men call their native country their motherland.

My mother had 3 daughters and a son. I had just the one daughter - but she has five! How's that for progeny? And from them have come two of my great-granddaughters, one just born a few days ago, Isabella! My son has a daughter and a son, and between them are two great-granddaughters, though I know them only vicariously. There are great-grandsons among my progeny, too, but - just contemplating the feminine "line" - that's quite a few gals in mine!

And now - I have a cyber daughter, too, who is closer in many ways than any of the others. I have to smile, - that you wisely realize that the great honor in which you hold me is assisted by knowing not my shortcomings! (Well, now, we could get down and dirty to those if we ever need to. ;-) I can't truly say that I know nothing of yours, (wink, wink) as any good mother does, but I perceive that any I've ever caught glimpse of also comprise part of the foundation of many of your greatest strengths and fine character; and I esteem you as a most remarkable woman, too, Martie Coetser! Love you, gal!

Christopher - thank you, kind sir! You are held in high esteem your own self! Hugs.

Lisa, thank you for those gracious and supportive words. It is so true that special friendships and relationships merit celebrating. As Martie said in her comment, just stopping and not taking for granted matters.

How many everyday relationships can blossom under the light of some mutual recognition and appreciation! I was blessed with my beloved George who always amply expressed his love and caring, both by words and by actions, all during our 29 years together, which I reciprocated just as spontaneously!

Dallas, Y-E-S! We not only 'get to decide' - we have to, even if it is by failing to actively decide, which is probably a major course taken by many folks. There aren't any neutral paths, even "default" ones. They count. So if & when we get what we deserve, it's decided by those choices or non-choices of our own. We aren't predestined to win or lose. We do it step by step, small choice by choice. But it's not final till it's final. And usually only the one involved knows how fitting our fates really are to our deserving and how much repair is possible! :-)

Very wise observations! Thank you for reading and leaving your good thoughts. Hugs.

Dusty, Dusty - Your comments speak volumes. Thank you.

Too bad you lost some of your hubber-list but glad you can reestablish Martie! Yes, her hubs are striking. She amazes me with the breadth of her knowledge and feeling. Her musical expertise is really, really striking, as well as the other areas. Her personal story is, as well. She and I have related on several levels, as you obviously observe.

I believe I see that soft tender heart in you. The only response I've observed to you by others is one of respect, camaraderie and caring. I'm not sure whether those asking if you don't know how people think about you are those, like me, who see that respect and caring in others toward you, or if it seems to be to a "big goofy guy" on his horse who has courageously chosen to live his own way, owing nothing and fully experiencing the wonders of nature on his own terms. I see you as both in one man, and not at all "goofy" - except for that hat which makes such a statement and is so much a part of your statement! I call it ALL courageous!

I believe there are still families sitting down together as families have done for generations. But in my Dallas house here on Wyatt Street observing from within the city lights, I'm almost as remote from all that as you are on your horse or rock observing from a more physical distance. But the spiritual distance is not so very different. I do get to see the folks across the alley whose grown kids visit regularly and a grandson comes and mows their grass, with his granddad's help with details. The couple go in their motor home to visit people & places and track down genealogy. They are both so kind. I don't hang out much with the neighbors, but I know they'd do anything to help me and vice-versa. That granddad won't even let me push my own trash can up from the alley after it's been emptied. Before I can even get out the door, he's wheeling it up for me. Started doing it after I'd had some surgery soon after George's death & he just refuses to let me do it now, though I push it (full of trash) down there every time. That is a prime example of good folks who really are true blue. So I'm sure there are some good folks left walking around.

Yes, I feel I know your heart and I'm really glad if any of my pennings touch it. Having your heart surgery and getting another lease on life is so good, Dusty. You must use every day fully, no matter how many or few there may be! I'm very lucky to be healthy for someone the age many are blithering invalids in 24-hour care. And I see no end in sight - till the proper time for it - and I'll be fully alive right up till then.

Thank you so much for the salute raised high! You have always given me good responses to my scribblings, which consistency and kindness, perhaps says more than even your words say.

I'm pleased that you liked the music I chose for this and - Wow - John Prine is now my favorite C/W singer, pushing Vern Gosdin out of my #1 spot. And that's a wonderful song! I'll be following up and listening to more of his music! I don't know why I hadn't heard him before! Where have I been all my life? :-) THANK YOU!!

Hugs and love - Nellieanna

Augustine - thank you, my friend! That is such a special compliment! Glad to know you enjoy my writing and Marties' and I'm delighted that you've come to this one and commented!

Amy - what a wonderful comment and tribute to the Hubpage community. Yes, it is a place for genuine mutual support - from an arm around the shoulders, to words of encouragement and even to honest critique given for the benefit of the writing. But what is most phenomenal, as you say - is the depth of feeling so many of us feel for one another. Thank you!

Ken - dear friend. What a great response. Thank you. Thank you for your friendship and responsiveness to mine, and to always being true to your light and generous with sharing it with the rest of us. I'm always eager to read your latest writs, knowing they'll be full of genuine feeling and thought and beautifully written. Your interaction with your friends and followers is always worth reading, too.

I have felt that agony of loss, but I am OK with it now. When I look back it's as history and, possibly, to reassure others that one can endure and survive intact. My greatest agony about it is that my progeny have lost something to which they were entitled but unjustly denied - a loving mother, grandmother and great-grandmother in some instances. And I can see that it made a difference in their lives - and not for their betterment. But, then - looking at any progeny - no matter how closely one has had an influence, there are sadnesses for them as they make their ways in the world and make their own choices and mistakes. As my darlin' mother used to say "You can't pad the corners for your children." I think I might have buffered some for them a bit, though - had I been able to be there when the sharp corners were buffeting them. It's part of parenthood, either way - nothing we can do as parents can prevent our children's having their own challenges and sometimes making wrong turns. When they're their own persons, it becomes their responsibility, no matter how we might wish to shoulder it and resolve it for them. We can't and that's the pill we get to swallow.

Being a strong, honorable person is our best contribution for them. It was and is one of my main reasons for avoiding pity parties and crumbling. Especially as our kids age, they begin to look to our examples of what their own possibilities are. If we're drowning in our own sorrow or remorse, it's not encouragement for them to rise above theirs.

And so good that we can actually express these things in words! So it's part of our parental duty to be strong, courageous, to enjoy life and let it shine forth.

Yes - I feel sure that Martie and I will remain friends for many years to come. A visit on one side of the planet or the other would be great! I'm just so thankful, though, for the MIRACLE of the internet and all it provides in communication and connection with people I'd never have known otherwise! It is truly magic.

Hugs and thank you, my dear - for another wonderful comment on my stuff.

Ah, Jama - (smiling) I well remember those cautions and red flags that were raised in the early days of social interaction online.

But the fact is that being authentic is valid both on and off line and being fake is fake either place, likewise. People choose and we all must be socially aware and alert, wherever we are interacting with a variety of people.

I've certainly enjoyed some deep and satisfying friendships online for about 15 years and many of those earliest friendships are still intact and active. I've even deeply mourned the loss of some to death.

The major difference in online and IRL is probably opportunity. Online there are simply fewer limitations of variety of people with common interests which one may encounter, timing is more easily arranged and common interests are probably more quickly found. Plus one finds compatible people here from all over the world. It's truly a miracle.

Some people in real life may go a lifetime - and if they're really lucky - run across no more than one or two people with whom they can truly communicate. The most they may ever find they have in common with the majority of others is location.

As you said, so my life, too, would be much less rich without the dear folks I've met online and with whom I've formed strong ties and friendships. Martie is, indeed, a prime example of my good fortune!

It's always a pleasure to hear from you, Jama! Thank you!

Rosemay - thank you so much for seeking me out and reading my tribute to Martie.! And thank Martie for presenting me so that you wanted to! It's a delight to meet you and I can see you're quite at home here at Hubpages! Welcome!

Field of Flowers - Thank you for stopping by and for your warm words for my tribute to Martie. I didn't know you before so I popped over and looked at your site, and I really want to read more of your work. You'll find many people here on Hubpages receptive and responsive, I've no doubt!

Martie -You may wonder what happened! I wrote a reply to your last comment but it was like a mini-memoir and so lengthy that the last couple of sentences were cut off mid-stream. So I deleted it and am about to repost it in two comments. I could just shorten it, but decided it might be worthwhile full-size. It's long enough to deter anyone who doesn't really want to know that much about me! hehe.

So here goes:

Dear Martie. I remember your explaining that you're the eldest among your siblings, sometime in the past when I was explaining being the youngest in my natal family by so many years. We compared notes on how those birth positions affected our paths. I recall you recognized yourself as the eldest in my descriptions of my elder siblings, especially the very eldest who was 14 years my senior. Your experience as the eldest helped me understand them better, I think. Of course - we can never fully capture the perspective from 'out there' while we are living and breathing our own so intimately 'in here'. And, in a way, while it is good for our own growth to be more able to 'see' from others' points of view, we can't do much about theirs in any case and we MUST see our own with honesty and clarity since we are the only ones who can do anything about that! There are no excuses built in but when there is understanding, understanding leads to enlightenment, effectiveness, and peace of mind, I think.

I did live in a world of 'giants' in which I was always an - a silent one, almost. I guess every culture has its folk tales about the giants and the 'little people'. It was no folk tale for me. Added to that was that the siblings, I am sure, even questioned my legitimacy, coming along as I did. So there was a kind of ambivalence about who I "am" beyond that which, I suppose, all children experience as they begin to discover the larger world around them and try to figure out their place in it.

My mother was far from docile, though she was born in an age (1892)when almost everything she accomplished was rare for a 'mere woman'. She earned 2 college degrees, was an artist in her own right (though Dad forbade her from making any money). She raised 4 children and together they saw all of us through college, and she'd helped Dad carve a life out of the wilderness from nothing.

My Dad adored her, but that same age in which they were born (he in 1890) demanded of him to be her protector; - and if he perceived that he needed to protect her from her own foolhardiness, he was bound to try to do so, supported by the religious teachings of his youth\. When his staunch Mennonite mother urged him to "clip Elcy's wings" before I came into the picture (she was impelled to study and pursue her art, which Grandmother distrusted) - he complied with Grandmother by taking Elcy's car away from her.

Undaunted, she simply got a horse and rode around town on it (it was't as unusual then as it would be now!) - till they decided she should be assigned to the ranch to manage things there. She felt deprived & trapped and so she devised a way to get back to town and to her other interests. She made sure to get pregnant (with me) when he made his periodic visits to the ranch, so she could go back to town to have me. All the time Mother was confined to the ranch, the three older kids were in town so they could go to school, with Grandmother taking care of them and 'training' their attitudes a good bit, I suspect. So when Mother's ploy worked and at 40, she came to town to birth me, to begin taking care of a new baby there, and also to resume her Art Club, art study, Missionary Society, Eastern Star, & interaction with friends, Grandmother had no other recourse, so possibly it encouraged her to instill doubts in my sibling's minds. They were not all that overjoyed to have to share their world with a small, curly-headed newcomer who obviously had everyone's hearts (even Grandmother's), anyway.

All this resulted in a very interesting lifestyle in which Mother always did her homebody duties and also went on and did 'her things' however & whatever it took to do them and she simply 'spared' Dad from knowing too many of the details. He may have suspected some of her shenanigans, but if he did, - he preferred to be oblivious to avoid either battling it or seeming wishy-washy. I certainly never heard any disagreements, though a few times, I found her crying to herself.

He was always a strong husband and she was always a good wife. There were just many areas in which things were not what they seemed!

One example: She got a Texas Teaching Certificate one summer when she and I were staying at the ranch and Dad was only there on weekends. It involved traveling over 200 miles to Alpine early Monday mornings after he'd left for town, and getting back Friday afternoon - sometimes only moments before he arrived - during the whole summer semester and he never knew. She had little ruses to appear "permanent" when he arrived on Fridays. She was tricky, in other words!

Then she substituted in the schools in San Angelo during the school seasons for several years before he even knew that! (She wasn't supposed to earn any money of her own, you see.)

I was with her at Alpine all that summer, studying piano! I was about 12. The siblings were grown and off living their lives by then. She taught by example and I had to unlearn some of the lessons; but honestly - she had to fulfill her destiny and she was simply one in a million in every way. Their marriage lasted till her death @ 82, and was a really good one, though not too ordinary nor was it probably exactly as he'd visualized when he'd encouraged her to get her education and be her own person - and marry him! All that time, she never ever neglected her responsibilities; - she just simplified them so she could also get on with the real business of living, without denying her family of anything except undivided attention. But when she was with us, it was fully "in the present".

(to be continued. . . )

(my reply to Martie . . .continued. . . )

I was very close to them both and felt guided and loved by them both. Dad really went out of his way to try to teach me to be more the 'Proverbs 31' kind of 'worthy woman' & to be more systematic" (than Mother, who was notoriously not traditionally systematic! She had her own methods!) He always encouraged my tendency to want to be all that he talked about and to be good in school, while I also was feeling and being so viscerally akin with Mother's creativity, independence and strong will - and encouraged by her in my creative pursuits. I'm a merger of the two of them. If I'm both right and left-brained, it's their doing. I guess he knew me pretty well when he cautioned my first husband I was like a "high-strung bird-dog!" :-]

But in interactions with those elder siblings, I was regarded as a plaything and prodded one way and another as though I had no mind or right to one, from birth through college, when Harriet took a notion to "take charge" and try to mold me into a more acceptable social creature. The death of that eldest sister who had taken charge of me, soon after I'd finally stood up to her and declared independence after I graduated, - put me further under the carpet where my first husband found me in a rather vulnerable place . . . . I stepped right on into it and was no match for it, so idealistic about being that worthy woman and a perfect wife and mother. But I wasn't sold into it. What is saddest was that I really was that ideal wife I set out to be, with the exception of having enough backbone to see how futile it was and that my conforming to the injustice would never appease him, because his motive was elsewise.

For most of my growing up years, I'd actually more or less just found my own direction, but never had the full confidence to know how to take charge of my own reins and tell them what I wanted and needed or to insist on anything. Some things that happened to me as a result were not at all what I would have chosen for myself if I'd fully accepted my right & responsibility to. Some of those non-choices proved to be among my biggest chasms to muddle across, but - looking back, I see myself being true to my truth anyway, and fully in my own way.

I was/am far from a 'typical' anything. None of my 'roles' has ever been played out in a clear-cut way. How it might otherwise have been really doesn't count. How it was does.

Perhaps it has given me a built-in insight to others' differences and/or struggles. I certainly don't 'try' to have that. I just can't imagine being otherwise, or being judgmental or taking advantage of others' peccadilloes.

So I guess I may seem rather docile. But - truth is, I'm tough as an old shoe. It's part of how I've survived! I arose after that marriage crumbled around me, which was geared and meant to destroy me and almost did, but, though I 'lay low', I never weakened, in spite of the pressure & blackmail (the children) to get me to al during it and then more so after he'd done his thing & it didn't work as he'd planned. But I couldn't weaken. I'd emerged and there was no going back. I had found my sinew, and - the poetry truly played a major role in my successful survival, as I've mentioned before. Eventually I even found my voice. So -- here I am. Just who and what I am. I'd have it no other way. I have no regrets, but it is an odyssey of sorts which has brought me to being who I am, for which I'm eternally grateful! And I'm not finished with me yet! :-)

Rosemay - thank you for the follow, too! Hugs!

Pennyofheaven - a pleasure to meet you and thank you for reading my hub - and Martie's too. There are wonderful folks on here, if one takes time to get acquainted!

Pamela, thank you, my friend! How true! I suspect that life is constantly supplying us special people but it's up to us to stop our rush through to let it happen. Hubpages offers many opportunities and what a joy when they 'click'!

Well, then, DRBJ - since you've spoken and given your stamp of approval, it is a 'sure-thing'!

It is certainly my pleasure to share this incredible friendship with my other treasured Hub friends and I so appreciate your delightful comments, which add to the radiation of love these hubs are activating. It goes to show how much deep genuine caring there is among the folks in HP! Whatever ups and downs we all or individually may experience from time to time, being part of a creative AND a commercial conglomeration of so many talented writers and site managers, the amazing feature I notice here and which I notice others noticing is the lack of one-upmanship or competition (except in friendly contests and a general desire to be quick with kindness and support).

It's a good incubator for growing great friendships and special kinships like this.

Thank you so much, dear lady! Hugs.

Martie - thank you for that insight. As you explained, this is "ONE of many explanations why people bond in cyberspace". And it's a very valid one I'm glad for the chance to see from your perspective!

As sometimes happens between us, my personal experience differs from that, in the picture of my reality and cyberspace. They aren't so terribly different for me, except that there are more people here in which to find and recognize kinship and mutual perception and there are admittedly few people of any type in my real life, which, incidentally, really isn't one of quiet desperation. Even when it was at its most bleak in the past, I didn't feel it as desperate or hopeless. But I recognize that quiet desperation in many people as they go about their routines with little verve of life and scarce concept of anything better.

Mine is one of quiet contemplation and actual joy in almost every respect, especially now. It is virtually unlimited freedom to be. The sheer scarsity of people and consequent hectic anxieties and dilemmas about what to share or not to share as you so succinctly described that is actually a rarity in my existence! The couple of decades of years in my life (as a free person) which WERE crammed with meaningful outside work, lots of people and constant activity (and what may seem like pressure to lots of folks) were more like a fantastic experience into another sphere, after the isolation I'd experienced. I did find I frequently needed the retreat into my own space, though, for nourishment and restoration.

OK. I may be stalled in my self-image in my present real life - but not sure about that because it feels more like being 'comfortable in my own skin' - hehe. What I miss in greater interactions with the others in real life I do have, though, is in perception and depth. I suspect they are struggling with quiet desperation and just can't grasp much more. They're reticent to respond to any deeper relating, too. Perhaps it's too scary. I tread lightly and don't force it. If sometimes there is a spark of response, it's gratifying, but for me, there is limited fulfillment in it. A glazing-over of their expression tells me when the limit is reached. And you know what they say: you can't get blood out of turnip. That happens online too, but - - there are so many more opportunities.

In real life - at least mine - the opportunity to look further for those qualities among other peoples is limited because people are limited. So the contrast with what happens IRL and online for me is online's limitlessness.

As you state, "we FIND others who have the time to ‘listen’ and respond" - and what a FIND that is! In the perspective of my experience it is because there are simply enough people on here that those who relate just sort of 'rise to the top' and those who don't are simply nice ships that pass in the night - no regret - no fuss.

Another thing both places is that I've always found that I have so many venues to express myself, that even if no one especially appears or has time or mutual care or interest, - I needn't fret. I always have abundant outlets for enjoyment by myself here, as in real life, though those are also more limitless here. A few punches of buttons, and we can explore incredible outlets!

There is one other ingredient of being active online. It's sort of like in that movie, "Field of Dreams": "Build it and they will come!" It always reminds me of my experience at age 7 with the broken leg and Mother telling me not to yell for the kids to come play with ole cast-in-the-leg, - but to get busy doing something of interest to me and they might come see what I was up to! :-) They did - but I discovered it didn't depend on whether or not they did, because I had such fun! What was really amazing was finding out that my experience wasn't merely for or in spite of "them", (over which I had no control), but simply WAS , expressed in my own feelings, attitudes and activities, over which I had the control. It surely didn't fully register as that comprehension then, but that experience and its results have come back to me over and over again during my lifetime like a beacon of clarity.

So you and I fully share the net result of finding great folks here, including each other - and share that it's related to our experiences in real life, but perhaps we're each coming from slightly different places in both areas; and so, our different receptivities to what is available online is surely a bit different, too. But our appreciation of it is identical, I think! We embrace it with a similar passion and enthusiasm! It doesn't have to be the same! In fact the differences in it are more interesting!

One interesting thing about our relationship has always been that there are contrasts as well as commonalities in each of our makeups - and we each like the differences we discover in the other! It's always fun to hear your take on it and to feel welcome to share mine! Think how much joy could be in a world in which that was the rule rather than the exception!

You know - I do think there are similarities between you and Elcy! I KNOW you'd have loved each other. You'd have had to stand in line for your turn with her, though; - she had so many admirers and 'irons in the fire'! She didn't linger long in one place - a Sagittarius who described herself as "greased lightning"! It fit exactly! Dad called her a hummingbird. That fit, as well. (He also said that all the women in our family were 'elusive'). One felt Mother's energy almost tangibly. She was made of pure energy. Her 1915 school yearbook described her: "Unbounded energy! Not only in he cause of Domestic Science but also in the one, great ambition to prove to the world that woman is man's equal." It was quite a few years before women even had the vote! She was way ahead of her time.

The same yearbook described Dad: "Mr Holdeman possesses the gift of argumentation to the extent that hours of it find him still unbaffled. Strange to say, there is 'One' with whom he agrees. He is a philosopher, scientist and debater." He was captain of the Debate Team, by the way.

They really were an indomitable team. There were few dull moments! As he always said, he was never bored with her! She said that it was the greatest compliment he ever gave her, because he didn't hand out praise too abundantly! I guess he didn't want her to get too cocky! He knew her worth! hehe

Thank you, Martie - that's such a kind and encouraging reply. As for being like me, the only thing I'd wish you to be like me is centered and and truly OK and yourself. You are now,- but perhaps being more consistently so, would be of value. Certainlly not that I never have an upset or glitch, just that they are mostly superficial and pass quickly. I recognize those as the "fertile fluxes" which lead to new insights - so they're not the downers they might be otherwise.

In most everything YOU - at your best - are your best role model!

If whatever "it" is coming from external sources doesn't really fit YOU and feel like YOU, it doesn't belong to you and won't work well. Being YOU is your power. Of course - one must avoid negative influences like one would avoid vampires who suck the blood and good energy!

But sure, there are others' powerful good influences too. Sometimes I'm aware of which influences from others which "took" for me and that they became fully internalized so they arise naturally part of 'me', not felt as someone else's ideas. Those had to fit - fully, or be discarded.

They say that one can't be hypnotized to do anything one wouldn't do when conscious. Maybe others' influences on us work that way, too.

My sister's good taste to know what's "enough" of anything -TOOK - (and the lesson was painful!) - It also had to be fashioned to fit me. I like that I can made a judgment about it and it works. (Well maybe not in my writing! hehe.)

Her attitudes of courtesy and 'noblesse oblige' took. But I had to refuse her judgmental stereotyping of people and snobbery. They didn't take and that they didn't caused her to give up on me, that I refused them. She was one very STRONG influence!

And in many ways, she was like my second mother. It was Harriet, at age 25, who 'splained to me at age 11 what had happened when my body started to mature. I'd been running around topless only shortly before! That was pretty horrifying to her, anyway! She tidied up my wardrobe and set me straight about what was appropriate! It was she who had me walking around with books on my head to gain good posture. But she was a Virgo, naturally critical & unyielding - and always 'right', no negotiating.

Once when I was about 13, she gave me a lovely lime green simple raw silk dress with a mandarin collar and matching pearl buttons. It was perfect and a great color and look for me. But I didn't leave well enough alone; I added a cotton eyelet pique button jabot to the top button. It was slightly more green than the dress. Horrid. I shudder to think of it now. But mandarin collars weren't "in" in my peer group and those silly jabots and/or a bunch of artificial flowers were! I wanted to be current and I thought the little jabot was pretty. (just not as used!) When she saw me she went into a tailspin. She yelled that I had no taste and would never understand the rules of fashion and elegance - and I shrank and crumbled, feeling sure I'd never amount to anything, especially in the world of fashion, which was my ambition! That was the year I began to really buckle down and learn to design and began to make all my own clothes, and to cultivate my own style, - so good came from it and who knows how it would have been otherwise? I confess that I was more than a little vindicated when my designs and sewing in college began to surpass hers, which were very admirable.

But - alas - that was shortly before her untimely death, which, as I've told you, contributed to my really crumbling and doubting even my right & certainly my effort to become independent after graduation, which she'd totally rejected and that all led on to all the downward spiral into an oppressive marriage to someone even more controlling.

Yet I contemplate all this, Martie, & am fully aware of its place in my 'becoming'. The fires of that furnace burn hot when needed.

My only reasons for even thinking of & mentioning it is not to wallow in sadness in the least, but to appreciate LIFE and its wisdom - and perhaps to contribute it for others' benefit, if they see something useable in it.

I surely can't say I'd choose the same path to achieving it! No. But considering the actual options, perhaps any of those would have produced much less desirable results. I certainly wouldn't have been ME as a snob, needing to build my self-esteem on disregard for others'! And that was one possibility of following Harriet's lead too far. Hers was mitigated by being her own and influenced by her other qualities - but I wouldn't have had those to mitigate it if I'd just adopted her ways. And without her influence, I'd be a total bumpkin, probably. So - - it all contributes to one's being whole, doesn't it?

Mother was a softie who would never punish or shame anyone. To 'scold' or be scolded was the epitome of cruelty in her judgment. But Harriet didn't hesitate to scold and call-on-the-carpet! She had no mercy. Of course, those opposite influences had effects on my character. She even 'scolded' Mother at times, enough to make our lovely mother cry. That scenario influenced me to resist that path, I guess. I'm firm, but I can't be cruel.

I'm completely aware that most of the things about my real character & personality have evolved "in here", sort of like being forged in the inner furnace. Whatever external influences entered into it had to be tooled and reshaped till they 'fit', Martie. I'm sure you fully understand that process! :-)

So I'm ever eager to encourage people to truly be themselves at their best and to 'use' others' ideas as fitting, but to not incorporate any till they've been fully chewed, digested, internalized and made their very own. And - mostly - to find what's actually 'in there' and unique - and to set about to refine and develop that. It is what empowers a person and leads to self-respect, as well as to ultimate respect of others! Authenticity rings true and even animals and small children can recognize it!

I'm glad my much verbose rambling isn't too horrid - I hope! I do set out to write a few succinct lines and it ends up a treatise! haha. I ought to just put this stuff in my actual memoirs! hehe. Spontaneity is a tough taskmaster!

Hugs and hope your day is going well. Love you, dear lady - exactly as the wonderful person you ARE!

Dear Marcoujor. Thank you for coming and leaving a lovely message. I sense we have a lot in common. I've visited your site just now and read one of your works. Thank you for your contribution here on HP! Hugs.

Hello, hello - yes - it is such a delight and honor to find such a wonderful friend on the hubs! I've found nothing but nice folks here and Martie has actually become like my "kin" - my cyber daughter! Thank you for the lovely comment about it!

Petra - thank you. Yes, she is a marvelous person and is much beloved.

I'm delighted to see you visit and your comment is most gracious and appreciated. Hugs.

Dear Martie - - no way are you bad. Those characteristics you listed are strong and part of who you are. The only reasons for marshaling them is for your own best interests when that is appropriate, which is something only you can know what and when or how much marshaling is in your own best interest. Not always the same.

You wouldn't be the lovable person you are if you weren't spicy and sometimes like that little sparkler I happened to get out of a drawer the other day, place in an incense burner and light, thinking it was an incense stick! Boy, did my coffee table light up! haha. I had to rush the sparkler out on the patio and let it do its sparkling in a clearer, safer place! But it was fun, anyway! It literally lit up my day! I laughed so hard, thinking how George would have had a good laugh. He knew I loved sparklers and always got some for me for New Years' and Fourth of July. No telling what the neighbors thought if they heard me out there laughing my head off and no one else around! haha!

You are right that you're not supposed to be so hard on yourself. You can see here in these comments how much you're loved, admired and appreciated. What a dull Martie you would be without your sparkle! Hugs, dear precious unique wonderful gal.

It's great to hear you laugh, Martie! I guarantee you'd have laughed with me if you'd been here when that occurred! Sheesh. What a shock! Good think it was only a small sparkler - just the exact size and look of an incense stick! haha.

You are a delightful sparkler! Hugs - love you!

Hi, Sunshine! Thank you for visiting and your lovely comments. Thanks for the follow, too.

Martie is an outstanding person and I'm glad you found her! I was just reading your profile and interview. You're quite a person yourself. Hugs.

Gerry, what a magnificent comment. Your feelings about this - and other similar - relationships is truly touching. There is a familial interaction here and it is pretty unique. However, I feel strongly that it's the individuals who can and do - or don't in some cases - make it happen. It takes a certain openness which may be rare due to various things. But even IRL (and I love your tying that with Ireland!) there are folks who reach out and others who are too closed.

I'm delighted that you found my hub honoring Martie and honored that you left it such lovely comments. Thank you.

Break of Dawn - Welcome here. You're absolutely right about Martie and the person she is. I love her and value her highly.

Yes, oh yes! We do indeed have a wondrous 'family' online, with whom we share such good relationship and enrichment to our lives. We hope to meet face to face sometime, but you're right: they're lasting and real whether or not we do. Sometimes I seem to have trouble getting to see people relatively close-by in miles. Getting to South Africa seems like a remote possibility - but it IS a possibility! So -who knows?

I'm so thrilled to learn who you are, Sannel. The reprise of this hub is all the more valuable because of it!

Well, of course! I'm not one to dispose of anything I value, and this is a hub I do value highly!

Your mention that we are spirits in cyberspace is a profound thought. I'm not sure that spirits are ever deprived of thoughts and feelings. That would seem cruel! You deserve to wear a crown - or a beautiful tiara!

It's such a pleasure to refresh this time in our hub relationship!! Thanks for your new, updated comments, m'dear CD!