MEMORIES, reminiscing love story of a woman- part 1
Creek....Croak.....Creek....Crock........that is the only sound one can hear in this usually silent room. the sound of the ancient rocking chair that had been in our family for years...and me rocking away to the past in my loneliness that age bestowed and whom the death has decided to steer clear off for the longest possible time, smiling cruelly...
Time and age stays for none. So true, but this fact we all choose to ignore in our prime age, when the health dances to our tunes, beauty is in its ripened state of seduction, thoughts of only the present and future of only few years are what we set our sight to.
"Twinkle Tinkle little star how i wonder what you are......." Sneha sings beautifully with her lisping, for a mom I felt so much pride in her singing ability, she is just three and half.....but has great control of her voice.
Mommy mommy...I wanna icecleammmm . Sneha's scream bought me out of my own little world.
"Oh god again? Baby you had one just an hour ago. No ice cream again today OK and no pouting!" I scolded her. She went away though pouting but not questioning my decision.
The front door opened and I went to check whether Jai my husband has come home. As soon as I near the door I hear noises. There, many of my husband's friends were standing.
Oh god, not another party! I thought to myself.
"Hey" Mark said.
"Hi, how are you guys and what brings you all here? and where is Jai?" I asked planting my hands on my hips.
My brain starts ranting again. Its like a freaking person as such! I mentally kick myself and focus back. I mean really focus back, because I see that his friends were staring at me and something felt different. Something is not right. My heart was screaming so badly that it started to beat faster.
Carlos came close to me and held me tight. he looked into my eyes, he had piercing greenish-blue eyes. Well, too bad I am married, but he had handsome face and I wanted to ignore the pain that I could see in his eyes.
"Daisy, m..ah...Jai has met with an accident and we took him to the hospital but well ..I don't know" he dragged away.
"What! Tell me what has happened? How is he? Is he ok? Just take me to him!" I screamed. I practically was feeling scared, not sad or shocked, but scared that something serious must have happened and he used to tell me I was a klutz!!!! I swear when I see him I will put him again on the hospital bed!
"DAISY"! Mark called me. Apparently I was not moving and my face had paled out. But I seriously didn't feel anything like that.
"Ok, so tell me what has happened?" I calmly asked, all of a sudden I felt detached, as if whatever is happening is not related to me.
"Jai is no more! He couldn't survive the accident, it was a pretty bad one... Daisy...Daisy..." I could hear they were all calling me...as in a chorus...but all were so far.
"MOM" Sneha screamed.
My baby, she needs me, I need to be strong, But how can he just die? How can he leave me alone? He promised me, he just can't die. My heart was beating so badly, my head was spinning and my brain was talking to me, telling me I need to be strong.
And then I blacked out.
"Newspaper", the voice of the paper boy brought back myself to the present......
"Coming boy" I said.
I opened the door, saying, “Thanks Richi, but from tomorrow on wards I don't need any more newspapers".
Richi looked up; at seventeen years he is unusually mature looking. I guess the poor boy had to face really harsh realities of life too early.
"Why granny? ", I liked when someone called me granny, felt wanted, even if called by a stranger.
"I can't read like before, and I feel I won't need it, that’s all." I smiled.
"Oh OK, well the total cost of the paper till now is in this bill, you can pay it today or I will collect it by the month end".
I took the bill and gesturing him to wait, paid him. I sent him away, and went to the kitchen to get something to eat.
I fixed myself a cup of porridge and finished it while standing there. After cleaning up everything up I went to the bedroom.
"A nap would make me feel fresh," I mumbled to myself.
Lying on my plain bed and trying to sleep was of more of trouble than anything else. Lying down on my bed, my gaze fell on to the photo frame that was beside my bed.
It was a picture of my husband Jai, myself and Sneha, when Sneha was three yrs old. I still had it even though Sneha has grown up and basically is a grandma now, for me she was, is and always be her daddy's princess.
"Mom", Sneha shouted.
"Yeah, why are you shouting Sneha?" I asked, entering her room. As expected her room was chaos. Clothes were thrown all over the place. Typical seventeen year old's room.
"Where is my blue top that I bought last summer? I want to meet Alex at about five and it’s already four!”
"Oh girl just relax, let me just search through your strewn clothes."
"Here, just wear this with some jeans OK? Already it’s quite exposing, I don't want him to be all over you" I said
Sneha just ignored me for few seconds and then she looked at me with accusing eyes. I didn't understand why she was looking at me like that, and then she spoke.
"Listen Mom, Alex is my boyfriend and I will do what I wish to do with him. You don't need to worry. And its not like I am going to sleep with a man whom I have not given commitment, unlike you!"
I couldn't believe that she said that to me.
I went to the kitchen and stared out of the window.
Thinking how it all came to this. After Jai's demise, Carlos was always with us, supporting and never did anything wrong happen between us. Not that I didn't want, or more like we didn't want, but I had always felt that no one can take Jai's place and Sneha will not accept any one else.
But one day, when Sneha was about thirteen years, I think it was my fault.
Carlos had come home and he was broken. His girlfriend had cheated on him and he wanted to vent out his feelings, I fixed him a drink and we both were talking and he started crying and blaming himself over everything.
At that time I moved over him and just hugged him, silently supporting. I would be lying to myself if I say that I just wanted to comfort him, I wanted to hug him too, take away all his pain, because I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to feel him inside my arms. I wanted to be happy, at least for some time.
Slowly he hugged me back, pressing me firmly into his chest and nuzzling my hair. It all happened so fast, yet it was slow. I was fighting over right and wrong in my head.
He looked into my eyes, for the longest of time and then started lowering his face, his eyes focused on my lips.
Finally he kissed me. Slowly at first and then I don't know who started it but it ended up in a passionate making out session and finally we had sex.
The next morning I woke up feeling happy, after a long time...I opened my eyes, there standing with eyes brimming with tears was, Sneha.
She was angry. I woke up startled, along with Carlos, who first didn't see Sneha, He was looking at me, smiling and when he finally saw Sneha....The reality sunk in.
What to tell a teenage girl who has just seen her mom sleeping with her father's best friend? Agreed that her father is no more, but for her his memories were and will always be close to her heart. A girl whose father was her hero?
That too, when there weren't any commitments between Carlos and her mom.
"You whore!" She screamed and ran.
It had taken so much to make her talk to me again.
Promises, that I will never marry anyone. Promises, that I will always love your father, like I had always done.
We moved from Ontario to Florida. I got a job, said bye to our past and had fresh start. My sole focus was Sneha.
As years passed Sneha started to grow distant, I had always blamed the raging hormones and the so called generation gap for this.
But today? I realized one thing. She had never forgiven me completely for my mistake, she still remembers it.