MEMORIES (reminiscing love story of a woman)- part 2
The sound of the window closing woke me up form my disturbing sleep.
No matter how many times I think about fixing the bolt of the damn window, I forget. Guessing it is one of the perks of the old age, forgetfulness, wishing if I could forget some of my bitter past too.
Thinking and cursing about the loss of memories and the damn window, I slowly reach near the window and risk a peek outside. There stood an old bungalow Same as it had been from years now. Ha, but you have great memories about it, my mind spoke to me. Yeah! bitter sweet memories.
"Oh god it is already one in the afternoon. Ruchi would be coming home from her school" I thought out aloud.
"And lunch is not yet ready! She will kill me".
"Grand ma! Grand ma! I am home!” Ruchi, my seven yr old grandchild came into the kitchen calling.
"Out of this kitchen now!" I screamed
:"Change your clothes, wash your hands and sit on the dining table, only then you should touch the food. How many times I have to tell this?" I glared at her, though inside I was smiling.
Ruchi pouted her lips and when I looked away from her, quickly took a bite of her pizza, gave me a kiss, and ran away.
“Little brat" I thought to myself, "she is a handful".
"Mom has Ruchi come back from her school?"Sneha asked.
"Yeah, she is already in her room, changing dress and all.”
"Why what happened?" "You sound urgent" I prodded further.
"Nothing much, it’s that I have been offered a job abroad, you know where Sam is also working and I have to join within a week, so I thought today itself I will go to her school and look into her transferring details and all" Sneha said casually.
"Wait , what? " I just asked her, still in shock.
She and Ruchi are going? Sam, Sneha's husband, had been working in some firm abroad for about a year, and yes I knew Sneha and Ruchi would also be joining them. But ,i didn't realize it was so soon.
What will I do without Ruchi?
She is my grandchild, but she cares more about me than what Sneha had ever done and without Ruchi, I can't even think of living. I don't have any reason for living.
"Well, only you two are going?" I asked Sneha ignoring the feeling of treachery that was slowly seeping inside my tumultuous mind.
"Yeah," Sneha replied without any further explanation, she just walked to her room.
Its been three weeks that Ruchi had left me. I could still see her tear filled eyes, begging me to stop her from going. Stop her from leaving behind her friends, school, me. I guess, I was helpless, hurt and wounded beyond words. Never in my life had i expected Sneha to leave me like this. Alone, lonely.
"Mom, why are you crying?" Sneha had asked wide eyed.
"It’s not like I am going away forever and not planning to look after you. Once we reach there we will work out something, so that you can join us. Also I will be sending money to your account every month. I am doing my best here mom."
"And stop giving that look to Ruchi, I don't want her to be sad and Heartbroken:, Sneha said
What about me! I screamed, mentally. You don't see that I am heartbroken? I who just kept my life aside for you? Worked without rest for your safe future? My mind was screaming and my heart was beating so hard that I felt I am dying. Oh god I wish I would die now. Because I know that I won't be seeing much of Ruchi or Sneha from now on. I just knew. And my heart was breaking, painfully.
Today after three weeks, the dullness of my heart has calmed down a bit, but my spirit was dead.
"Honk! honk! ' I hear a car pull over at the porch of the bungalow, that stood facing opposite to my bedroom window.
From my window I could see a man about my age, tall, broad, fit and handsome too, getting down. Soon he opened the back door and out came a wheelchair, he then jogged to the other side of the car, opened the door and...I saw him carrying a frail looking woman.
The way he was looking and the way they were holding each other made me yearn for Jai, and for a fleeting moment Carlo's face also came in front of my eyes.
I let out a deep sigh and turned back into my solitude. Alone. lonely.
Not anymore, my mind screamed.
You are not dead. Just live for yourself, as Jai used to always remind me,
"Baby we come to this world alone and we die alone, so always learn to move on"
and when i would glare at him and say ."don't you dare leave me alone, you jerk! Or I will chase you to heaven or hell and kill you again!!" and his laughter would ring around
God I miss him so so much. It’s been years, the pain is no more but the yearning. The need for physical contact, the need to unwind myself into some one's naked flesh and to feel again the desire of heat filling me is just unexplainable.
Depraved myself from all carnal pleasures for past twenty five years! Just for my daughter and who has in turn left me all by myself.
What have I done wrong that the fate is mocking me even now? Where is my fair share of happiness?
Not any more, my mind said soothingly. We will go out and make new friends and learn to live all by ourselves, my mind spoke to me assuring me.
Next morning with a freshly baked cake I drop into my new neighbour’s house.
Friendly and jovial. That was the aura that I felt once inside their home. Married for 25 years Johnathan and Mary were not blessed with any child. Earlier they were bit worried but then took everything into their stride, just like the accident that Mary met some 8 years ago, paralyzing her from below chest.
Johnathan is a savior an angel, Mary's words describing him. Taking care of her for so many years without a complaint, sometimes she would say to leave her in someone else's care and move on... but he loves her too much for that.
Johnanthan even at the age of fifty seven looks surprisingly young. Might be his attitude towards life is doing him good. On the contrary Mary though only forty nine looks frail, weak, but her spirit is so pure and full of life. Unlike me. At the age of fifty five I look pretty well outside, on contrary of my dead spirit.
But soon with their company, a midst their happiness, and many cups of tea, barbecues (all that Johnathan and I would make and Mary would help us finishing it!) but constantly entertaining us, we all became close. I started to smile more and feel happy.
Even when, occasionally mine and Johnathan would lock our eyes, a comfortable silence would follow after that, even when, sometimes when our hands brushes and lingers for more time than required.
Even when the weekly calls from Ruchi reduced to monthly calls, even when Sneha stopped talking and mentioning about me going and staying there with them. I was feeling happy. I was finally moving on and doing things for myself.
One night Johnathan came to my house bringing my favorite beef wellington (that of course he had made). I, after a long day of cleaning, hour long bath and light dinner was relaxing with a glass of my favorite wine, and seeing him for a second in just sweat shirt and tracks, blame it on the drink that i had or the buried desires of pleasures poking their head out. My face flushed and i felt fluttering of my heart.
I guess Johnathan also saw and felt that. Two souls who were in need of release.
Slowly I got up and walked deliberately slow, adding an effect on my hips. Guessing I have not lost my charm.
I closed the distance and took the plate from his hand and locked my eyes. I am seriously drunk. Cos I am acting so bold that I, all of a sudden, felt shy and turned around saying thanks.
But I guess the need was mutual.
Johnathan hugged me from back and nuzzled my ears, for a moment I stiffened and then relaxed.
"Mary" I asked.
"She will understand and she doesn't need to know if you don’t want to say" he replied huskily.
I looked at him questioningly," But you love her."
"Yes more than anything, but I can’t ignore what we have, definite physical attraction"
"And I want you... now!”
"But I have not done this for about twenty five years, I am rustic", I replied in a low voice
"Please", he said in a husky voice.
"You are tempting me with your words, Please let me inside and you will not regret, I will not hurt you Daisy", his deep, husky sound reverberating near my ears and altogether awakening my buried desires.
My deep buried slumbering desires... all just woke up, my nerves were tingling alive and the heat between my legs were too much for me to resist and turn away from this offer right before me.
Turning away and pleasing one by mere fingers, as I have been doing for years were, was starting to look as a dull option.
I turned around and slowly his lips met mine. It was too good to say, when his tongue slowly flicked my lips, prodding gently to open, I lost my left over will of resistance and completely devoured the lust and urgency, giving back the same, with passion and demand.
Slowly he removed my straps and lifted me in bridal style and laid me on my bed. He looked at me, his eyes roaming over my now naked body,
I felt conscious all of a sudden and tried to hide my breast with my both hands, he came closer, over me, slowly removed my hands and whispered ," you are so beautiful and when you say you are fifty five I have to ask are you fifty five or forty five honey?" to this I blushed and he nibbled my earlobe. I grasped his hair and brought his lips to mine. His hands roamed all over my body sending sparks and tingles everywhere. His soothing words, his flicking tongue all taking me to heaven or hell...whichever is more erotic.
He entered into me, I felt like a virgin again, as pleasurable it was for me so was for him, I could see the lust and passion in his eyes,
We continued making love all night and about five in the morning he woke up, kissed me and said
"I have never felt that I can love any other woman other than Mary, but I think I am wrong, because if leaving your side now is giving me pain, the prospectus of you rejecting my further advances is killing me inside and the desire to wake up with you every day and sleep with you every night is thrilling me. Then I can say that I am falling in love again Daisy. As twisted it is sounding but I think I started loving you when you came in our life, broken and when I could see the person you are after being completely mend I wanted you Daisy, Oh how much I wanted you,"
"I think I have shown you a trailer yesterday night," he smirked and winked.
I looked at him searching for any truth in his words, and when saw honesty and love staring back at me, I smiled feeling so content... and then the guilt hit me.
Guilty that what type of woman I became, sleeping around with my friend's husband who now claims to love me and his wife too.
Sensing my mood shift and understanding the reason without me explaining it
He pecked my lips and said."Daisy, Mary will not feel betrayed because she had always asked me to do it, with other woman as she couldn't satisfy me. I have never felt much of a need, until you came love."
To which I just nodded and hugged him tight and this led to another session of lust blended with small amount of love.
This continued for next ten years.....It was like I was his mistress, a mistress whom he loved, a mistress who was his wife's best friend, a mistress who's best friend knew about this but never discussing anything giving silent approval, might be silent tears in her solitude too.
But all ended when Johnathan had stroke. I guess he was ill fated. He had met me.
Mary and I were left alone. Not long after that Mary also left me to join Johnathan.I hope they are happy wherever they are together.
Tring ! Tring! The phone's ringing and brought me back to my reality. My bitter reality.
Sometimes I do wonder, whom did I love most? My husband of four years, or, my best friend's husband? Who was my companion, friend, keeper, bedroom partner?
Whom will I meet after I die? Jai or Johnathan?
I guess Jai, because Mary has beat me first to meet Johnathan
I won't be surprised if I will never meet any one. I might be doomed to rot in hell.
Tring Tring! The damn phone!
Tring ! Tring!
"Hello Daisy?” Tristan, my six year old great grandson’s sound came at the other end.
"Hello Tristan, how are you sonny?" I asked.
"I am fine, thank you. Okay I am giving the phone to mama".
"Hey grand ma" Ruchi's sound, as usual brought back all fondness and memories.
"Hey dear, grandma I had called to say that we all, I meant me, Tristan and Richard would be coming back to you." I was spellbound.
"Hello? Hello?" Ruchi called again.
"Yeah, I am sorry, It’s been years since I have seen you love" I said, trying hard not to cry then and there.
"I know grand ma, you know right I had always wanted to come back, but mom didn't allow. But now she says do what I want" Ruchi said with a tinge of laughter.
I smiled and asked," For how long you would be here?"
"Grandma we are not going anywhere after getting there, we will stay with you."
"Really, that's really nice dear so when will you come?”
"We will be back by next weekend, grand ma."
"Nice, I will prepare your favorite pizza and also Tristan's favorite cake, just let him know that".
"Ha ha ha, sure grandma bye you take care and don't do much work and all" Ruchi said sounding serious all of a sudden.
I kept the phone and thought, how different Ruchi was as compared to Sneha.
But then again might be Sneha has her own reasons.
Oh god a lot more of cleaning, cooking and what not, I mentally ranted on and started to go to the guest bedroom for dusting and arranging the items.
For the past few years its been a mess, Ruchi and her family had come three years ago and from then on everything is more or less lying in the same way. I was too disturbed and lazy to keep everything at its place, thinking god knows when they will come again, so why bother to clean and all. The mess inside the house makes it feel habituated by some more people, at least my loneliness doesn't mock me in front of occasional guests who drop by.
Well lots of work for this old bones Daisy, my mind said to me and wistfully wishing that my old strength would be back.
Two weeks just flew away. Today they would be arriving, I mentally thought. From the morning on wards I was feeling elated and energized as if god had answered my prayers and my strength is somewhat back, well it also must be because I am feeling rather happy. I won't be lonely any more. I will have my dear ones near me. Now even if death would come I would be happy to embrace it without any fear.
No guilt, no sorrows, no expectations and no regrets.
Time is ticking away still no sight of them, I wondered while sitting on the rocking chair. Finally all is ready, Ruchi's favorite pizza, and Tristan’s blueberry cake and from what I remembered Richard had always liked my special beef wellington, taught to me by Johnathan.
Closing my eyes I felt tremendous amount of peace from within, a smile slowly formed on my lips. Few minutes of nap won't harm anyone I thought.
Jai, Carlos, Sneha, Mathew, Johnathan, Mary, Ruchi and many more....many incidents ,experiences, places all in flashes, some were blended, some vague and some clear.
So many feelings were stirring all at once inside me.
Finally Tristan's face came into my view.
And sobbing.. Wait sobbing? Who is sobbing? I try to turn around and see but, I couldn't. I was getting tensed and the same time was feeling tranquil. Slowly I could feel lighter, as if I am floating. Is it a dream? I thought aloud, but no sound came. Then I saw. I really saw everything around me, everyone around me. There i was lying peacefully on my rocking chair, eyes closed, with a smile on my lips.
Ruchi was sobbing on my lap, Tristan was smoothening my hair and Richard was being the pillar of support, as usual.
Hoping that they remain happy always, wishing they never face anything remotely bad in their lives, and praying that god be merciful enough and not bestow any loneliness in their life. I guess I have had their shares of loneliness, so god can at least spare them.
Everything around is looking so vivid and full and they say this is the place of sin. I doubt.
Out far away I can see a bright light, Feeling free and excited at the same time. Looking at the white light, hoping that I won't be going to hell, well who knows. Whom am I going to meet? Jai or Johnathan?
If I close my eyes...I want to meet ....Jai my mind, soul, heart screamed...because Johnathan was never mine, he was always Mary's.
I started to walk into the bright light... Into the unknown....called after life.... wrapping my memories, all, bitter, sweet, everything that had made me what I am... inside my heart firmly and wishing it would stay the same way...