MY LIFE IN SONGS

Have you ever just wanted to describe your life, wishes, thoughts, aspirations, or dreams but you just could not find the words? My life is an soundtrack. For every significant event, moment, episode or dialogue there is an song that says it all for me. Consider my life an movie; but instead of actual pictures, I use music to describe everything I feel.

Lionel Richie sat down and wrote an song called Zoom back in the 70's that struck an cord with me when I was 11 years old when he wrote and song:

I may be just a foolish dreamer, but I don't care; because I know my happiness is waiting out there somewhere. I'm searching for that silver lining, horizons that I've never seen. Oh, I'd like to take "just a moment" and dream my dream. I'd like to fly far away from here, where my mind is fresh and clear and find the love that I long to see. I would like to be where everybody can be what they want to be. I'd like to greet the sun each morning and walk amongst the stars at night. I'd like to know the taste of honey in my life. Well I've shared so many pains and I've played so many games; but everyone finds the right way somehow, somewhere, someday. I'd just like to fly far away from here, to an place where my mind can be fresh can clear. A place where the world could be truly happy, living as one. I wish the word they call "Freedom" someday would come. ~ Lionel Richie

Just typing the lyrics brought back the memories of hearing this song for the first time. I was at my grandparent's house where my uncles lived and my Uncle David was an huge Commodores fan. He had just gone to the Twin City Record Shop and purchased the LP, he had it blasting so the music could be heard throughout the Neighborhood and I was sitting in my favorite spot underneath the huge Pecan Tree in the front yard. The words to the song were so vivid and it was if they where squeezing my heart. I became alive! So, this is the featured song in my movie because it describes my wishes then and now. In a essence this song describes Peace on this earth better than any song, I have ever heard. Once a person stops dreaming, they can't find peace. Sometimes all you need is your dreams to keep you sane. My dreams then and now are the same but different. I thought as child then, now I think as a woman. An woman striving to find peace with God. The silver lining is His face. I went on a trip throughout five different states destination being Wyoming. The joy I felt just too see those different horizons could not be explained other than a peaceful calm, soothing sensation, I had never felt before. I have always wanted to travel and this was the closest to it I had every come. As soon as I saw those big beautiful mountains in Colorado, I found my happiness. I lived my dream in that moment. The view took away all my hurts and pains I had experienced up until that point in my life and now when I find myself perplexed, I close my eyes and revisit.

There is nothing foolish about being an dreamer. No one controls what goes on in your dreams but you. Your dream state is your comfort zone. When I listen to my favorite music it's as if the music become my wings. I escape to better times or a better consciousness. I find happiness in beautiful words and melodies. ~Paedams

FLIGHT ©

When nothing seems right

I escape to my music which gives me flight

Anything to get out of here

Somewhere, anywhere, I don't care.

Dreaming of the things that should have been

Just for that moment, I can pretend.

Dreaming gives my mind an break

From dealing with situations and of people being fake.

Dreaming let's me reach my fullest potential

Without road blocks nor credentials.

When I close my eyes, I am able dance in the clouds

Knock at heavens door, not be amongst the crowds.

Just floating freely to wherever the wind takes me

One music note to another, I'm free.

~Paedams

In the land of oz Judy Garland sang: "Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops away from the chimney tops that's where you'll find me. Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can't I?

Give me my wings anyday and I will fly away.

Love to me is an beautiful thing, it's just somehow end up in the wrong hands. People don't respect the power of love, they abuse it. There have been many songwriters that have expressed my emotions for others, some have described it right down to the last bar. When I lost my true love to death, I was hopeless and at the end of my rope when Mariah Carey sang:

You look in my eyes and I get emotional inside, I know it's crazy but you still can touch my heart. And all after all this time you think that I wouldn't feel the same; but time melts into nothing and nothing's changed. I still believe someday you and me will find ourselves in love again. I had a dream you and me will find ourselves in love again. Each day of my life, I am filled with all the joy I could find. You know that I am not the desperate type. If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp, I'll hold it with both hands, It's worth the risk of burning to have a second chance. No, no, no, no, no,no, I need you, baby. I still believe that we can get together. If we believe that true love never has to end, then we must know that we will love again.

When a person dies, your love for them should not die as well. They can live in your hearts. Never forget them. Pray for them. Pray for you. Grief is an facilitaton for depression and in depression you find more pain. Cope with your loss or your loss will cope with you. ~Paedams

GRIEF ©

Once you make up your mind

There's nothing no one can do to change it.

You hold firm to your values and beliefs

Sometimes it's the only way to deal with grief.

Death has an way of changing how you see life

You no longer have the same emotions

You no longer have the fight.

Mindless and surreal

Nothing to feel

Just emptiness

Just an shell of your former self

You are just dealing with the cards you have been dealt.

The one thing that plays throughout your mind

Is another space, another time.

In many ways you don't want to be here

Lost without love, full of fear.

You cannot believe your circumstance

You patiently wait for your last dance.

Grief, the strongest emotion

Nothing, and I mean nothing has an more surreal distortion.

~Paedams

Milira came out with a song called "Go Outside In The Rain" in the mid 80's. The words to the song cripped me and when he died in the mid 90's this song became my anthem. The deliverance of great words from a soulful voice can speak volumes to those captured in grief. Milira spoke to me when she sang: The day's began and there's no one, inside this empty house to love, Oh No. No one to share, my love with, no one to care, no one who's here to take care of me, Nobody. Why must I feel so lonley without you here, how I wish this was all a dream. Well nothing goes with all the love we shared. I can't make the tears stop, crawling down my face. That's why I wanna go outside in the rain, so no one, no one, know's that I'm crying. Oh never seen, so many eyes on me, and I imagine what they are saying. They're saying I'm a fool, "if I am still in love with you, don't they know I'm only human. Human when I look out of my window and see the rain, I see visions of you, in every drop. But when I think, of all the times we shared, I can't make the tears stop, crawling, crawling down my face and I want to go outside in the rain. Some people feel deeply that true love won't fade away. Hold tightly, to my love and love will see the day, but then my baby's gone away. I can't go back inside baby, my eyes are tearing, my eyes are sagging, help me. My heart's in pain, I'm walking in the rain to dry my face. I'm living here all along baby, no one to live with me, no one to take care of me. I can't go back inside, I'll have to see you "not" standing there and I'll go crazy!

Many find the loss of love the same as losing one's love to death. The two are not equal. Those loves which are still alive can return to you, those lost in death are gone forever. No equality nor rationale. It's final. ~Paedams

Now moving on to happier times, I, like each of you has basked in the glow of love and Luther Vandross with many others helped me celebrate this very love. Luther sang: One look in your eyes and there I see just what you mean to me. Here in my heart I believe your love is all I'll ever need. Holding you close throughout the night, I need you, yeah. I look in your eyes and there I see what happiness really means, the love that we share makes life so sweet, together we'll always. This pledge of love feels so right and oh, I need you. Here and now, I promise to love faithfully, you're all I need. Here and now I vow to one with thee (You and Me), hey, your love is all I need. When I look in your eyes, there I'll see all that a love should really be and I need you more and more each day, nothing can take your love away. More than I dare to dream, I need you. I'm starting here and I'm starting now, I believe you, I believe in your love, so I am glad to take the vow. ~ Terry Steele, David Elliott

LTD sang: I have never been so much in love before. What a difference a true love made in my life. So nice. So right. Loving you gave me something new that I've never felt, never dreamed of. Something's changed. No it's not the feeling I had before. Oh it's much much more. Love. I never knew that a touch could mean so much. What a difference and when we walk hand in hand. I feel so real. Lovers come and then lovers go. That's what folks say. Don't they know? They're not there when you love me, hold me and say you care and what we have is much more than they can see.

I could go on and on with the happy love songs; but I want to talk about when love has lost it's shine. See many people fail to realize that love has its ups and downs as well. Misunderstandings, complications and busy bodies. It's something about when others see an happy couple they want to mess with it. Test the strength of the love, etc.. Or some couples grow tired while others become complacent. I went to Regina Belle during these times because I felt she understood and expressed my pain after an lover's quarrel when she sang: I will endure all the time. Hold together in the worst conditions. For at birth we knew it to be one of a kind. And as it grew into this love of a legend. We both made sure this piece of Heaven would withstand any test, for the strength was made of love, faith and trust. And until all the glitters gone, we'll be adding on to make it even stronger. True love will never die, long after the love has lost it's shine. After it's all tired and worn and the newness all wears off we'll still be lovers. Except the time a weak spot would appear in this affair, we'd be mending it back together with tender loving care. A promise to each other that's lasted through the years. It's solid as the first time because it's still loving well.

I have always equated the gift of love as heaven and hell. It feels so good when it's good and oh so bad when it's bad. Sometimes we are the only ones doing the loving in our relationships while the others are just enoying the benefits our love brings. I've been on both sides and know it's not fair to be misleading or mislead when it comes to matters of the heart. Keisha Cole said it best when she sang: I want to know where were you when I said I loved you? And where were you when I cried at night? Waiting up, could't sleep without you. Thinking of all the times we shared. I remember when my heart broke. I remember when I gave up loving you. My heart couldn't take no more of you. I was sad and lonely. I remember when I walked out, I remember when I screamed I hated you; but somehow deep inside still loving you. Sad and lonely. No one knew all the pain I went through. All the love I saved deep in my heart for you. Didn't know, where I would go, where I would be. But you made me leave and plus my heart it just, it just kept telling me so. There was nowhere else to go, oh and nobody else to turn to, no. For the rest of my life, I promise myself......I will love me first, then you and me.

Regardless of how you look at, L*O*V*E, it plays a large factor in all our lives. It's either love of self or others we will look back on when we are near the end of our journey. I would rather say I loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I would like to say I am an lover of people; but, I hate them at the same time. I love them for their good and hate them for their bad. I feel the same way about me as a person. If I could rip out all of my bad, I would. I would rather love than hate, I would rather feel joy than sorrow. It's the battle within. Music is the temporary balance we as humans can relate to and release ourselves from our demons. If not only but for a moment we can be free to smile, cry, dance, laugh and fly. I can soar like an eagle with wings that can spread far and wide while looking over my life listening to great music. Songs gives us meaning whereas we would otherwise not understand. They give us voice to express how we truly feel without hesitation. I am song and I play without end.

~ Paedams. All rights reserved to PFP. 2011