- Books, Literature, and Writing
Mayberry Garden Club
Ernest T. Bass is at it again!
Somebody’s got to reel him in!
What is this seemingly unforgivable sin?
And how has it come to everyone’s chagrin?
Down at the court-house,
Andy wanted closure,
But he was coming very close,
To losing his composure.
From Mount Airey to Morehead City,
From Siler City to Fancy Gap.
There was talk about givin’,
Ernest T. that “big nap”!
Clara Edwards and sweet Aunt Bee,
Wanted the nth degree,
Bought rope and formed a committee,
To break an Ernest T. Knee!
Ernest T. may be,
Mayberry’s Elmer Fudd.
But Deputy Fife keeps yellin’,
We need to “nip it in the bud!”
Barney Fife - Nip it in the Bud
Couldn’t steal or jaywalk.
Outspoken Howard Sprague
Couldn’t even talk!
There were rumors of intoxication,
Over at Wally’s filling station!
Otis Campbell was in a funk,
And you know that man got drunk!
Things got so grave,
Town founder Lord Mayberry,
Spun in his grave.
At Mrs. Mendalbright’s Rooming House,
Things were quiet as a mouse.
It was if darkness had overtaken the sun.
And tenant Deputy Fife was loading up his gun.
For Ernest T. indeed,
Did insult and besmirch,
The lady’s of the garden club,
The ladies of our church!
Sure Andy paddled Helen on Myers Lake.
But we know Andy, for heavens sake!
Sure they were missing in some old cave
But we are certain they did not misbehave!
Even Barney and Thelma Lou
Have been seen embracing a time or two.
But never behind a closed door,
And always with a foot on the floor!
Now Juanita, the waitress,
Over at the Bluebird Diner,
Wants to seek out Ernest T.
And give that man a shiner.
The Darlings couldn’t play a happy song,
No matter how hard they would try.
Now the only ones they play,
Make that “Darling” Charlene cry.
The Darlings Music Videos
Those “Darling” boys were so torn up,,
They could hardly pick a lick.
They only played that sad song,
“Never Hit Your Grandmaw With A Great Big Stick”.
Over at the “Snappy Lunch”,
Everything came to a grinding crunch.
Floyd Lawson the barber couldn’t cut hair.
As the patrons contemplated the affair.
Even Gomer’s gentleness,
Was put to the test,
As many heard him yell,
“Citizen’s arrest! Citizen’s arrest!”
Mayor Pike is madder,
Than the meanest alligator,
And Sarah is no longer,
That same smooth operator.
And Barney says,
“As sure as the Edsel is a dud,
We’re going to have to,
“nip this thing in the bud!”
Sweeney Floyd: The Dim-Wit Barber of Mayberry
They finally treed Ernest T.
Said Ernest T. from up in a tree!
“I see you but you can't see me,
Pekabee its Ernest T.”
The men were ready,
For roping and branding,
When Andy said, “Maybe there’s been,
A big misunderstanding!”
“Now Aunt Bee and you ladies
Put down your hoes and rakes,
And put the points down on those spades,
For heaven’s sakes!”
“Before we chop off Ernest T.’s head,
Let’s make sure of what he’s said!
Now what was it he said,
Walking by that flower bed?”
After getting’ to the bottom of it all,
Andy began to implore.
“Ernest T. knows all you ladies,
And all of you, he does adore.”
“Many a day,
I heard Ernest T say”,
“If I'd seen you coming,
I'd have known what to do.
I'd have rais'd both arms,
and woved at you!”
Ernest T. Only said,
“These ladies sure are purty,
And they can ‘shore’ 'nuff,
get down and dirty.”
Now Andy had to explain,
To “pore” old Ernest T.,
"Now, settle down, when you come to town.
Quit yellin’ like a wild banshee!"
“Now these ladies planting flowers,
Bending over in clover,
Don’t need a man standing around,
Right when they’re bending over!”
But let this sink in
through your pores,
right to your very core!
These ladies are the,
“Mayberry Garden Club”,
not the “Mayberry Hoers”!
I Want A New Drug by Barney Fife
Ernest T: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.
Ernest T: I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass!
Ernest T: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!
Ernest T: No hunt. Beware. Open and closed. No credit.
Ernest T: I ain't talkin'. I ain't talkin'. The more you're askin' the more I'm balkin'.
Ernest T: She called me a "creachture"—I ain't no "creachture"!!!
Ernest T: I'm gonna get you! And I'm gonna get you, and you, and you, I'm gonna get you, and I'm gonna get your stick too!
Ernest T(reflecting upon his time in the army): Hup two, three, four, clean your gun and get in the truck.
Ernest T: How do you do, Missus Wiley?
Ernest T.: My name's Ernest T. Bass, what's yers?
Ernest T: Awright, listen...
Old Aunt Mariah, jump in the fi-ah,
Fire too hot, jump in the pot,
Pot too black, jump in the crack,
Crack too high, jump in the sky,
Sky too blue, jump in canoe,
Canoe too shallow, jump in the tallow,
Tallow too soft, jump in the loft,
Loft too rotten, jump in the cotton,
Cotton so white she stay there all night.
Ernest T.: I didn't do nothin'. Gotta go!
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