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Mikey Beans, Easy Scamming

Updated on June 29, 2017

Little Background Music

Mikey Beans, (real name; Mitchel Patterson Heinz) was always looking for the easy way out.

That's why after a few false starts he became a Preacher Man.

Starting at tent meetings, corner churches, and roadside preaching, surviving by the meager collection plate, getting sporadic but brief all expense paid vacations in other people's homes, he realised he'd have to get some kind of certification to give himself the qualifications to go for the more acceptable (as well as richer) pulpits.

He started with those 'send away' diplomas.

Once he had a couple of online 'degrees' he moved to another congregation near a very minor theological college. There he audited classes, gaining information.

Then he moved to another town, gained entry to a higher rated college, sat exams and gained his first nebulous bit of certification.

Realising the value of 'qualifications' he moved around the country, getting bits and pieces of academic paper, on and on until he was certified.

Once he had the 'proof' he was a real card carrying Preacher man, he could live his life as a permanent vacation, having his expenses paid by congregations in various parts of the world.

As Scams went, Mikey Beans had hit the mother lode.

Starting Slow

Mikey Beans looked for empty pulpits in remote places.

Places where they wouldn't do much of a background check and learn of his minor brushes with the law, his brief periods of incarceration, and the fact he really didn't know anything and had gotten through his courses by plagiarizing other people's work and a few minor cheats that couldn't directly be proven.

His first posting was to a congregation in a small country.
He was given free room and board, a stipend, and took his pulpit.
He tried to tell people what they wanted to hear, to be popular.

The local leader of the community was a repository of the history of the congregation.

Mikey Beans reaised he'd just gotten another money maker. He transcribed what
he was told, made a connection with a publisher, and so came his first book.

He was now not merely a certified Preacher Man, but a published author.
An Expert!

Piggy Backing

Mikey Beans had a fantastic 'pulpit'.

Not only did he get all his expenses paid by a congregation, but could turn their story into a book.

He had one of those 'niche' publishers avid to get a history of every single community of this denonimation in the world.

Publication of his books would fill the Beans bank account, and give him access to academic pulpits.

He was invited to give talks at various venues by people interested in learning how their religion is practiced in other parts of the world.

He also realised how easy it would be to use the 'studies' he did in his congregation to gain further Academic qualifications from respectable learning institutions..

Moving On

It takes religious organisations that much longer to catch on that they're being scammed than business concerns.

In business one knows whether or not the guy they hired can do the work in no more than a month.

In religious organisations there's so much fudging allowed it can take years for people to realise that the guy in the pulpit not only knows nothing but couldn't care less.

It takes years, because although each member might feel spiritually starved by the sermons and presentations of their 'leader' they don't want to say anything. They feel wrong in speaking against the man in the pulpit, as if it's blasphemy.

Eventually, they talk to each other, learn their opinions are universal and the disgust starts to rise to unquashable levels.

Mikey Beans, a professional flim flam man, was alert to this kind of dissent, so began looking for a new position as soon as he saw the first scowl, heard the first critique.

Before the congregation confronted him, Mikey Beans was flying across the Atlantic to another pulpit.

Look, Took, Book, Hook

Mikey Beans got his scam down to a science.

He'd apply for those odd, out of the way positions, using his publications and extra academic certification to back up his expertise.

The community would be overwhelmed by such an 'eminent applicant'.

He'd get the job, whether on a contract or some other basis, and insure he got a fine house, a car, money.

He'd flatter and pump community leaders for their history, get a contract for a new book. He'd spend his days taping conversations, hiring someone to type them up, either at the communities expense, if they were that dumb, or paying out of his pocket if necessary.

He'd make his Preacher 'work' as easy as possible by incorporating members of the congregation, and taking lots of trips to have necessary breaks in his Ministry, allowing his fraud to last that much longer.

As soon as he had all information necessary for his book, he'd search for another venue. This should coincide with his congregation's realisation that he had nothing to offer them.

Mikey Beans ran his scam for years then lucked into a position in a small town in America where he was quite comfortable.

Almost Perfect

Imagine this; Mikey Beans, a small time flim flam man who has been traveling
around the world. Mikey Beans, who has been filling pulpits in odd places. Mikey Beans, published writer of books books based on the information gleaned from his congregates.

Mikey Beans was collecting certificates as if he was really a big time Preacher
man, and it was all this 'qualification' coupled with him being a published author,
a leading expert, which got him a job in a lovely small town where he was given
a house, a car, a helper, a nice salary and...and here's the kicker, he was to
Assist an older man in poor health, who would do the Sermons and religious
work, while he would get to handle all the non-pulpit tasks; could anything be better?

For ten years, Mikey Beans had a dream life.

He was paid to play, to dabble, to attend meetings, seminars, conferences,
publicize his books, work on others, and climb the hierarchy in all sorts of organisations.

He didn't realise how much his congregants disliked him. It was by accident
he learned they felt he was ripping them off. They knew some of the 'charity' work
he'd organised got him a hefty packet.

As a man who'd lived his life by knowing when to get in and when to get out,
Mikey Beans went back to job hunting.

He got himself a cushy post off shore in a virtual paradise, resigned this position and flew to Paradise.

Waiting for him was a beautiful home in an upscale area, the usual car, and maid, and all this for a few hours of standing in a pulpit.


Having spent ten years in an American small town had dulled his ability to catch the nuances of other cultures.

He simply couldn't read these people.
and because his 'radar'
had been out of use for a decade
didn't perceive this at first.

Didn't realise he was not 'getting it'.

Mikey Beans thought he was having his usual coast, not aware of how early and quickly the congregation's disgust was building.

Beans had, of course, charmed the community leaders whom he was pumping for information. He'd gotten another contract for another book. He had tried to have the congregation pay for an assistant who'd transcribe the tapes, but they declined.

That it was his pocket wasn't a problem as he'd gotten a couple of side jobs, one in a local theological college and the other at high school.

Beans tried to hide the fact he was as part time a preacher as could be, by having 'Adult Education Classes' in which the students did most of the talking while he sat sagely, looking off into space.

It took him a bit of time to get that he'd alienated a number of people who he'd wrongly ranked very low in the pecking order. He also had misconceptions about how learned the people were.

Where he usually got away with slap dab sermons and pronouncements, he was being challenged at every turn.

People did not accept his 'authority' and this was frightening. He knew he was a fraud who cared nothing for the religion and only wanted to do as little as possible for as much money as he could get.

He had the feeling there were people in that congregation who knew it.

As all fraudsters, he had various methods of discrediting detractors. Ignoring them, pushing them to fringe, maybe getting them to leave or cease attending on a regular basis. He fawned over the leaders, trying to make them believe he held them in such high esteem when he knew they were pompous idiots.

He arranged overseas trips to get away hoping to dull the dissent, assuming that no one cared that much to remember what he said that annoyed them two weeks ago.

Mikey Beans didn't realise that when he was gone the congregation reverted to its lay readers and liked them and their sermons far more than they liked him.

He began to notice particular congregants who looked at him as if they knew who and what he was, and wondered if there was anything he could do to buy them but realised he'd waited too long.

In all the years of his 'Ministry' he'd never been fired. He'd always gotten out before the hammer fell. He knew he better make contingency plans and get them up and running before he spoiled his perfect record.

Staying Too Long

Mickey Beans had gotten a contract with this congregation which didn't have an 'escape clause'. There was no paragraph which stipulated that "If/Then" he could be dismissed. The contract was five years, he was in the mid point, and thought... "Why Should I leave?"

Make these idiots pay him his salary for the time remaining, and he'd stop coming to the Sanctuary. He could stay in house and do his writing and fooling around.

The Directors, wanting to get rid of their Preacher man, turned the mattere over to their lawyers. The lawyers came to the same conclusion as Beans, there was no 'escape clause'.

How could the Directors be so stupid?

Yes! How could they be so stupid? Thought the congregation which promptly voted them out of office, to be replaced by those who despised them a little more than Mickey Beans.

Mickey didn't realise that all the 'leaders' he had kowtowed to were now persona non grata. He had no power base, no friends. Nothing.

And he was in a foreign country.

As a professional scammer, Mickey had, from day one, cultivated a wide cross section of 'contacts' which could think they were friends. He would have to pull them in.

He would get cash for not doing anything, and needed to get a job somewhere, even if it were voluntary, so that he could stay in the country until he roped in another congregation somewhere else.

Which, of course he did.


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