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Mikey Beans, Easy Scamming

Updated on April 27, 2021

Little Background Music

Mikey Beans, (real name; Mitchel Patterson Heinz) was always looking for the easy way out.

That's why after a few false starts he became a Preacher Man.

Starting with tent meetings, roadside preaching, surviving by the meager collection plate, getting sporadic but brief all expense paid vacations in other people's homes, he realised he'd have to get some kind of certification to go for the more acceptable (as well as richer) pulpits.

He started with those 'send away' diplomas.

Once he had a couple of online 'degrees' he moved to another congregation near a very minor theological college. There he audited classes, gaining information.

Then he moved to another town, gained entry to a higher rated college, sat exams and gained his first nebulous bit of certification.

Once he had the 'proof' he was a real card carrying Preacher man, he could live his life as a permanent vacation, having his expenses paid by congregations in various parts of the world.

As Scams went, Mikey Beans had hit the mother lode.

Starting Slow

Mikey Beans looked for empty pulpits in remote places.

Places where they wouldn't do much of a background check and learn of his minor brushes with the law, his brief periods of incarceration, and the fact he really didn't know anything and had gotten through his courses by plagiarizing other people's work and a few minor cheats that couldn't directly be proven.

His first posting was to a congregation in a small country. He was given free room and board, a stipend, and took his pulpit. He tried to tell people what they wanted to hear, to be popular.

The local leader of the community was a repository of the history of the congregation.

Mikey Beans reaised he'd just gotten another money maker. He transcribed what
he was told, made a connection with a publisher, and so came his first book.

He was now not merely a certified Preacher Man, but a published author.
An Expert!

Piggy Backing

Mikey Beans had a fantastic 'pulpit'.

Not only did he get all his expenses paid by a congregation, but could turn their story into a book.

He had one of those 'niche' publishers avid to get a history of every single community of this denonimation in the world.

Publication of his books would fill the Beans bank account, and give him access to academic pulpits.

He was invited to give talks at various venues by people interested in learning how their religion is practiced in other parts of the world.

He also realised how easy it would be to use the 'studies' he did in his congregation to gain further Academic qualifications from respectable learning institutions..

Moving On

It takes religious organisations that much longer to catch on that they're being scammed than business concerns.

In business one knows whether or not the guy they hired can do the work in no more than a month.

In religious organisations there's so much fudging allowed it can take years for people to realise that the guy in the pulpit not only knows nothing but couldn't care less.

It takes years, because although each member might feel spiritually starved by the sermons and presentations of their 'leader' they don't want to say anything. They feel wrong in speaking against the man in the pulpit, as if it's blasphemy.

Eventually, they talk to each other, learn their opinions are universal and the disgust starts to rise to unquashable levels.

Mikey Beans, a professional flim flam man, was alert to this kind of dissent, so began looking for a new position as soon as he saw the first scowl, heard the first critique.

Before the congregation confronted him, Mikey Beans was flying across the Atlantic to another pulpit.

Look, Took, Book, Hook

Mikey Beans got his scam down to a science.

He'd apply for those odd, out of the way positions, using his publications and extra academic certification to back up his expertise.

The community would be overwhelmed by such an 'eminent applicant'.

He'd get the job, whether on a contract or some other basis, and insure he got a fine house, a car, money.

He'd flatter and pump community leaders for their history, get a contract for a new book. He'd spend his days taping conversations, hiring someone to type them up, either at the communities expense, if they were that dumb, or paying out of his pocket if necessary.

He'd make his Preacher 'work' as easy as possible by incorporating members of the congregation, and taking lots of trips to have necessary breaks in his Ministry, allowing his fraud to last that much longer.

As soon as he had all information necessary for his book, he'd search for another venue. This should coincide with his congregation's realisation that he had nothing to offer them.

Mikey Beans ran his scam for years then lucked into a position in a small town in America where he was quite comfortable.

Almost Perfect

Imagine this; Mikey Beans, a small time flim flam man who has been traveling
around the world. Mikey Beans, who has been filling pulpits in odd places. Mikey Beans, published writer of books based on the information gleaned from his congregates.

Mikey Beans collecting certificates as if he was really a big time Preacher man, and it was all this 'qualification' coupled with him being a published author, a leading expert, which got him a job in a lovely small town where he was given a house, a car, a helper, a nice salary and...and here's the kicker, he was to Assist an older man in poor health, who would do the Sermons and religious work, while he would get to handle all the non-pulpit tasks; could anything be better?

For ten years, Mikey Beans had a dream life.

He was paid to play, to dabble, to attend meetings, seminars, conferences,
publicize his books, work on others, and climb the hierarchy in all sorts of organisations.

He didn't realise how much his congregants disliked him. It was by accident he learned they felt he was ripping them off. They knew some of the 'charity' work
he'd organised got him a hefty packet.

As a man who'd lived his life by knowing when to get in and when to get out,
Mikey Beans went back to job hunting.

He got himself a cushy post off shore in a virtual paradise, resigned this position and flew to Paradise.

Waiting for him was a beautiful home in an upscale area, the usual car, and maid, and all this for a few hours of standing in a pulpit.

Staying Too Long

Mickey Beans had drafted a contract with this congregation which didn't have an 'escape clause'.

There was no paragraph which stipulated that he could be dismissed. The contract was five years, he was in the mid point,.

Although by now he was universally hated and the congregation had dwindled, he felt 'entitled' .

The Directors, wanting to get rid of him turned the matter over to their lawyers. The lawyers came to the same conclusion as Beans, there was no 'escape clause'.

How could the Directors be so stupid?

Yes! How could they be so stupid? Thought the congregation which promptly voted them out of office.

Mickey had no power base, no friends. Nothing.

And he was in a foreign country.

He was beginning to get a little jumpy. Especially when confronted by the new board that wanted him out, dead or alive.

Wisely, he agreed to leave.

He had already found another congregation far away.


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