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In the Company of a Nittany God

Updated on March 27, 2017

I had the opportunity to sit in on an interview with Penn State president Graham Spanier. Supposedly, it is a once-in-a-lifetime event that looks nice on a résumé. That may be true, but I chose to bar myself from interacting with this prestigious man. Why? My tempestuous mind might speak for its own self before my oft-sewed-shut mouth does. Don't believe me? You have much to learn. Here are just a few of the ideas that could stochastically pop into my head in the company of a Nittany God...

53 Possible Interview Questions for President Graham Spanier

1. How long did it take you to look like this, Lucifer?

2. Do you know where your wife is?

3. If a Boeing 737 lands on the road intersecting your driveway, who has the right of way?

4. How does it feel to be dead for the seventh time in three weeks?

5. When will the fecal studies major be available at Penn State Lehigh Valley?

6. Why did you shoot Ronald Reagan?

7. If I give you a brick of C4 and the name and number of an international terrorist, will you turn into John McClane?

8. There's a large pungent stain on the carpet. Did somebody forget their medication, Mr. President?

9. What is love? You have thirty seconds.

10. Name six of the eleven secret herbs and spices in the KFC recipe?

11. Weren't you on the pilot episode of Little House on the Prairie?

12. Lubricant or a red afro, and why?

13. You know that's not Kool-Aid, right?

14. Has it ever occurred to you that you're named after a rare, Macedonian breed of canine used primarily in the creation of Banquet TV dinners?

15. If I tell you to close your eyes, will you trust me?

16. What are you allergic to? Speak slowly so that everyone can write it down clearly.

17. What is your cup size?

18. When will we see a Penn State campus in Nebraska, you cretin?

19. How would you like to be John Malkovich?

20. Prove to me in 600 words or more than Heath Ledger is actually dead.

21. What was it like playing the title character in Flubber?

22. What if there was itching powder in your presidential Huggies?

23. Did you know that Benjamin Linus wants your job? Be specific.

24. Let's say a student stole five LEMA economic study pens. Would this guy be an enemy of the state?

25. Besides Snooki, who would you want most to portray you in a film?

26. Explain your presence at the Nuremberg Rally.

27. Burial, cremation, or necrophilia?

28. If I gave you a copy of the State of the Valley newspaper, how long would you be able to resist the urge to wipe your ass with it?

29. Could you use your presidential power to posthumously pardon Al Capone?

30. Would you believe me if I said you were a squirrel in a past life?

31. When I listened to the Backstreet Boys for the first time as a promising fifth grader, something happened to me that I will never be able to forget. I don't remember what song it was--could have been Larger Than Life--but, when I heard this compiled attempt at youthful harmony, I could not walk anymore. I collapsed to the ground, feebly gasping for airy sustenance. My hair started to fall out, my bowels erupted to the depths of Hades, and I began to foamily discharge at the ears. I began to bellow a satanic inferno to the heavens: "Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabachthani!" I was a crippled trout out of water and my cat was chasing her tail, as she too had suffered from the sonic Omen waves belching out of the radio speakers. And the next thing I knew, I had graduated high school. What is your favorite condiment to put on a hot dog?

32. It's me! Don't you recognize me? I'm your father, Graham!

33. Do you smell that? I'm disappointed in you, Mr. President.

34. How the hell did you escape from that coffin?

35. When can we expect you to graduate from kindergarten?

36. Did you know that, from the heights of a helicopter, you look like a microwave?

37. What was it like being left to die in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese yesterday?

38. Is learning cursive actually beneficial?

39. What is your pH level?

40. Do you know what a rusty trombone is?

41. The dwarf hamster gave The Social Network a surprisingly scathing review. Can you tell me the predicate nominative of that sentence?

42. I didn't like any of my Spanish classes. Does that mean can I get my money back?

43. Why do you remind me of a white Eddie Murphy?

44. Which would you prefer to have in your mouth forever: yarmulkes, eczema, or the Baltimore Orioles?

45. Tell me five redeeming qualities of store-bought potpourri.

46. Why is my rash spreading?

47. Why don't we speak Latin anymore?

48. Give me ten good reasons why I shouldn't throw this unstable stick of dynamite at you.

49. How long would it take you to buy me a teenth of crystal meth right now?

50. What is the most annoying noise in the world, not counting your voice?

51. How do you know your house isn't on fire at this point in time?

52. Do you think the production designer of Thunderpants is, was, or soon will be a relative of the Jolly Green Giant?

53. Prove to the masses that you're not made entirely out of mustard.

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