Obama as Othello ; A Shakespeare Parody. Act 2 Scene 1 - The Head to Head Debate with McCain.
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Obama as Othello ; A Shakespeare Parody. Act 2 Scene 1.
The Head to Head Debate with McCain.
Hempstead, New York State
In the town of Hempstead, New York State, it is the scene of the televised debate at Hofstra University for the third and final head-to-head of the Presidential candidates.
Chaired by Richard Iago, they now come to a discussion on Foreign Policy..........
Iago: Senator Obama! How would you deal with Iran and the nuclear issue?
Obama: Well! I would say right away and without any equivocation that I would deal with this differently. This is a vitally important issue from which we must not shrink nor handle carelessly with undue.......
Iago: You did say 'right away' didn't you?
Obama: Please let me finish my answer,
Iago: You mean you've started an answer?
Obama: Most indubitably
Iago: Dubiously indeed
Obama: Let me say that I would deal with Iran much more severely,
Iago: Much more than President Bush?
Obama: No! Much more severely than we did with Israel and Pakistan. We let them dudes get away with it but that's timeout folks. I don’t wanna indulge in a parley to provocation or outsport discretion but a couple of deadly arsenals is enough in that neck of the woods let me tell you. The Iranians are way too late to join that club and they could have had their fancy toys back in the 1970's if they wanted them. Nope! It's first come, first served.
Iago: And how do you respond Senator McCain? How would you take this mangled matter at the best?
McCain: Well Ahmadinejad is a fruitcake, we all know that and when we give them.... allow them .... erm...... I mean ...... when countries in that region develop nuclear capabilities then we got cause to poop our political pants. We can't afford any more de-stabilisation in that region. It's got crazy enough since we took Iraq and Afghanistan so we don't want any mad Ayatollahs chucking nuclear missiles around. Now I know there's a lot of desert going on over there but sooner or later they'd hit something other than sand and that wouldn't be nice, not nice at all. But we gotta do what we can, as long as we keep the goddamn Russians and Chinese out.
Iago: So would either of you advocate an invasion of Iran? Perhaps a punishment more in policy than malice?
Obama: I'm more concerned about Iran outvading us with them insurgents, I'd say to them, force the Shi'ite out of Iraq and stop sticking their nose into our business
McCain: Certainly! And an invasion of Iran is not off the table, it's off the wall for sure, but it ain't off the table,
Over in Washington at the White House, President Bush is watching the debate on television with the First Lady.
Bush: What d'ya think Laura? McCain sure is giving that boy a damn good whippin!
Laura: Listen, whatever you do George, don't ever say that in public,
Bush: Mmm, I guess not, it might get misunderstrued. I'm just meaning it's the triumph of wisdom over youth.
Laura: I guess so
Bush: Because we need a wise President you know,
Laura: It's about time
Bush: But hell! It's a third down and ten in the red zone and McCain's making plenty of yardage ain't he?
Laura: If you say so honey, I'm head cheerleader,
Bush: You got it darlin. Now! Crush me up another pretzel.
Back at the debate Iago moves on to another current topic
Iago: Now gentlemen, the economy.....
McCain: Shit! (mutters under breath)
Iago: Sorry Senator?
McCain: This is it! The big question of the day
Iago: Certainly it is as we are currently entering a financial crisis, the likes we may not have seen since the Great Depression. So Senator McCain what would be your solution to our economic problems
McCain: Bubble gum!
Iago: I beg your pardon?
McCain: Bubble gum! We need to start chewing more bubble gum around the country and I don't just mean to calm the nerves or stop the Democrats jibber-jabberin. Bubble-gum is a great American success story and the decline of its use has been in direct correlation to our economic performance in recent years. Chewing gum too, especially if it's sugar-free because that provides the added health benefits although without the same amount of fun.
It’s a central plank of my healthcare proposals too. But the American people are angry and all these folks worrying about losing their jobs or their homes in the sub-prime market might find a good chew-over better than hitting the booze or the drugs. Keeps them occupied. So gum is a perfect economic generator to get us back into prosperity especially since the export market is an important part of that.
Iago: This is original thinking
McCain: It ain't so radical you know. The American people are angry, there’s bells in the parlour and wild cats in the kitchen so they need to calm down, so have a chew everybody. It's a disposable commodity so you get constant return custom, it's mass market, it's practical and it's cool across all generations. Anyone from young kids old enough not to choke on it or stupid enough to swallow the stuff, through to teenagers and right up to old folks with good denture fixative can provide a massive customer base.
Iago: That's fine for domestic consumers but you mentioned export markets. What areas of the world exactly would you target?
McCain: Why the Asian market of course! We got over a billion Chinese there, not to mention the surrounding countries. Even those Vietnamese would buy it, they chewed enough of that betel nut when I was there.
Iago: I can understand that you have direct experience,
McCain: Too right! Little swines used to spit through the bars at me.
Iago: Do you think we could sell it to the Chinese in vast quantities?
McCain: Absolutely! They love to smoke don't they? Hell we're selling them crateloads of Malboroughs and Lucky Strikes. A good smoke goes hand in hand with an old champ an' chew on the bubble gum. And their kids are getting more hip too. I’ve seen them teenage girls on TV over there in their short skirts and bobby socks. All that's missing is a big pink bubble poppin across their faces. They would love that. And that betel nut makes your teeth go red.
I mean I know the Vietnamese are Commie through and through but not straight to the enamel. Their youngsters would start chewing Chiclets and Bazookas for sure and the Viet Government are opening up their markets to new opportunities in gum products.You add it all up with Thailand, the Malaysian Peninsula, Indonesia and of course Japan means we'll saturate the Asian market.
Iago: What about you Senator Obama? What are your ideas on fixing the economy?
Obama: Well I think the bubble gum push is a ridiculous notion. I've never heard anything so cooky in economic policy in all my entire four-year long career in Washington.
We gotta fall back on the staple industries. Let's get Coca-Cola production up to record levels and start shifting those french-fries. There ain't nothing wrong with some comfort food when times are hard. We'll eat our way to recovery,
McCain: There's no export potential in french-fries,
Obama: Sure there is,
McCain: You tell me where? The French ain't stupid enough, the Germans and the Brits got enough potatoes of their own and Latin America is a non-starter. Jeez!! that's where they came from! I can't think of anywhere else that wants too many french fries,
Obama: Same as you dude, China and the Asian market of course,
McCain: Are you serious? They got rice coming out their ears over there,
Obama: Rice don't go with Coca-Cola, no way, no how, not even with Pepsi or cherryade. We push the cola and make the link with french-fries and we got a McDonalds on every corner in Beijing, Nanking, Ho Chi Min and every kinda thing,
Iago: Surely gentlemen the banks are retrenching on handing out loans to business. Without help from big finance these economic policies will struggle won't they?
McCain: That's perfectly right and that's why we intend to offer a rescue package of $55 billion to the banks.
Iago: And what will the American public make of all this, what about guys like Joe the Plumber?
Obama: Shit! (mutters under breath)
Iago: Senator Obama, what would you say to Joe the Plumber?
Obama: Well first of all I'd say 'Hello Sam!' cos that's his name and then 'When ya gonna get your plumbers licence?' cos he ain't got one. But I'd tell him that we ain't gonna give the banks $55 billion dollars. We're gonna give them $60 billion dollars
Iago: So you would support increasing some tax and also state funding of the banks,
Iago: Would you not consider that as a policy akin to Socialism?
Obama: I'm a realist, we need to reform the tax and help out the banks with a rescue package,
Iago: By government funding,
Obama: Yes, for sure,
Iago: You don't think the free market should dictate
Obama: Not this time,
Iago: So a little Socialist tinkering is OK,
Obama: That's not what it is,
Iago: It isn't,
Iago: What is it then senator?
Obama: It's just a helping hand to get the financial sector and small business back on its feet,
Iago: So you're not a Socialist,
Obama: I'm a true American.
Iago: Well as a true American do you not recognise the virtues of economic liberalism and the dictates of the free market,
Obama: Yes, speaking as a true American I recognise that, of course I do. But I also recognise, as a true, true American ........ Hey wait a minute! He's talking about giving $55 billion to the banks but I don't hear you calling him a Socialist,
McCain: It's not the same,
Obama: So what's the difference
McCain: Five billion,
Obama: I know that. So what?
McCain: So! Our deal is Advanced Partnership Capitalism, yours is Socialism,
Obama: I am not a Socialist!
Over in Washington ex-President Clinton is sitting on the sofa watching the debate on TV with Hilary his wife
Clinton: Goddamn it!! Hell and tarnation, what did that stoopid idiot just say. Ah don't .. Ah say .... Ah just don't believe it!!!!! You tell 'em, you warn 'em but these half-assed, dim-witted morons don't listen
Hillary: Calm down Bill,
Clinton: Couldn't keep his mouth shut, just couldn't keep his goddamn mouth shut!!
Hillary: Will you stop spittin bits of chicken at the screen?
Clinton: No wonder!!! Americans are angry? Ah sure as hell am!!
Hillary: It's just one slip, he's doing well so far,
Clinton: He'll set the cat amongst the pigeons,
Hillary: Maybe not,
Clinton: It's a spanner in the works,
Hillary: It'll be OK,
Clinton: Oh Yeah? That's one helluva fly in the political ointment Ah tell ya!!,
Hillary: Or maybe one bad stain on good material, wouldn't you say?
Clinton: Jesus H. Christ woman!!!! You just ..... Ah say..... you just ain't never gonna let me live that down are ya!!!!,
Hillary: You betcha I won’t! Not if you ever change the cod’s head for the salmon’s tail again,
Clinton: Aw! Dry up!!,
Hillary: Don't you talk to me like that, I'll tell ya mister ............
Clinton: Aw go ta hell!!.....
Hillary: I'll give you hell!!!.......
As one remorseless debate continues to rage the other continues as Iago persists in his line of questioning
Iago: Senator Obama, you want to redistribute the wealth one minute and then give vast amounts of money to the banks the next minute as well as reforming taxes. And you say you're not a Socialist?
Obama: Look! I'm a true American living the American Dream and that's all I'm saying on that score. This ain't fair, go pick on him, his crowd caused the mess. And he's gonna open the cheque book too except his pockets ain't so deep,
Iago: Well unfortunately we're running out of time,
Obama: Ain't that a big surprise!
Iago: So we'll come to closing remarks. Senator McCain, if you will, tell us why you should be the 44th President of the USA,
McCain: Well Richard I would say the American people are angry, very angry and they have a right to be angry. But as President I would sit down, chew some gum and work out how to sort out the nation’s finances. I'll also improve education, especially in Math and Arithmetic to stop future generations of idiot bankers making the same mistakes again. I'll tackle working-class home ownership, or what's left of it plus get the homeless off the streets and into jail. I’ll make lots of promises on everything and anything if the American people vote for me and then they won't be so angry any more.
Iago: And you Senator Obama, what would you like to say?
Obama: Don't tempt me man!
Act 2 : Scenes 2 and 3
- Obama as Othello ; A Shakespeare Parody. Act 2, Scenes 2 and 3 - The Home Improvement TV Show.
In a studio set somewhere in the town Burbank, California, home of Disney-ABC Domestic Television Productions Tim Allen introduces the long-awaited return of 'Home Improvement' for an election special.