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Outrageous Birth Stories- Women Who Took Birth to Another Level
Warning: Obnoxious Sarcasm Ahead
**Please do not read if you are easily offended. This article is intended to be mildly informational and slightly humorous.
News headlines capture strange tales of unintended births in cars, airplanes, and toilets all the time. Stranger still are the women who choose to deliver their babies less conventionally. Did they not get the memo? You don’t receive an award for the most outlandish birth environment. Birth is barbaric no matter what way you dress it up. Lest you think these women got caught with their panties at their ankles in some public bathroom, think again- these birthing methods were PLANNED.
Apparently the noises a laboring woman makes aren’t enough. To add to the drama, we must give birth surrounded by high-pitched squealing dolphins.
A crazy russian midwife named Igor is known for helping women give birth in the Black Sea. Various websites talk about the dolphins aiding birth, but this is absolutely hilarious. How can a dolphin aid a mother in excruciating pain? Nose her a red ball or do a flip? Yes, that'll make everything better.
Another news story regaled a tale of six women who were banned from delivering in the Black Sea because authorities were concerned about the risks involved. Animal lovers should be outraged as well, for dolphins are gaining popularity as a tool for therapy. DAT or dolphin assisted therapy is not proven to provide any benefits and requires dolphins to be in captivity. Let's skip the dolphin labor shall we?
In an Art Gallery
You go to the Met in NYC and find a white piece of paper hanging on the wall for millions of dollars. You think to yourself, “Shoot! What didn’t I think of that?” Well this woman did. She figured childbirth was a form of art and went on display as an exhibit. Do you think amniotic fluid could be used for watercolor?
“I believe that all of the participants were deeply moved by this emotional, raw and true ‘piece of art’. Everyone was also very helpful.”
I hope field trips to this art museum were cancelled for that day. Can you see it now? "Mommy, today at our field trip, a baby was coming out a woman."
It’s called freebirthing, and it’s trendy. And incredibly stupid. It took two people to make the baby. Wouldn’t it stand to reason it takes two to get it out? Why dear God why do these women think that giving birth without any help is somehow more magical than those who rely on husbands, friends, doulas, and midwives?
Freebirthing is incredibly risky and the payout is negligible. Either way, whether alone or with someone, isn't it considered a success if a baby is born healthy? I've given birth three times and when one of my children was born gravely ill, you can bet that if I was alone- my daughter may not be alive today.
While Making Out
Aside from the fact that it sounds morbidly inappropriate and quite risky (not just for baby, but for dad too. How does he know if little John doesn’t have teeth?), why do women in excruciating pain want to fondled by their partner? However , lovemaking, and foreplay are in the growing list of popular methods for dealing with the pain of labor. orgasmic childbirth
Most of these couples would never engage in sexual behavior in front of another person, but somehow during labor- it's considered okay for these men to get busy with their wives in a room full of people? No sense people. This makes no sense.
Orgasmic birth is gaining popularity and while I don't doubt the reality that it can happen, it seems like the most outrageous idea to me.
In a Tide Pool
Baby pools are not just for toddlers you know. Women use them all the time to give birth. It sounds reasonable enough as a warm bath might be a nice place to pop out a baby, but this woman took it one step further. She delivered in a tide pool. Willingly.
Imagine if barnacles got stuck to her butt because she sat in the water too long? How is that even sanitary? Yet, it’s listed as an inspiring story of birth.
I've been in a tide pool before. I cannot imagine having a baby in a sitting pool of water that has crabs, snails, and seaweed.
Just in case you need some encouragement
- Things They Don't Tell You About Becoming A Mom- The Hard Truth
Things they don't tell the mom. The down and dirty truth about pregnancy and birth.
On the Internet- LIVE
It’s the age of minute-by-minute Facebook updates. We tweet, pin, and link our every move. And clearly these women decided that a live showing of blood, poop, screaming, and tearing was a good idea.
Apparently a woman who likes to teach by example figured there would be people who'd want to see this in real time. She was right. Hundreds of people watched her give birth on the web, and news stories jumped all over this crazy idea.
"We wanted to share this experience," she said about the decision about her decision to broadcast the birth, which she made with her husband. "If I were in a classroom, I'd be teaching about development. It was a way for me to teach…a way for me to use myself as a textbook."
Cast your vote!
What do you think of these birth methods?
Don't Get Me Wrong
I am all for whatever birthing method helps a mom to survive. I suppose some of these methods could be considered mentally helpful, in which case- more power to you. But I draw the line at ideas that put the mother and the baby at an incredible risk. Go natural, french kiss your husband, sit in water, or do it front of millions. Just don't put your baby in danger because of some romantic notion about the beauty of labor. It's hard, it's painful, barbaric, and there is a beautiful child at the end. A successful delivery is a healthy baby and healthy mom, not some outrageous tale that makes you feel superior to the rest of the female race. We all win when we give birth.
About the author
Julie is a mom and freelance writer who birthed all three of her children in a hospital highly doped up on whatever medication they could give her.
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