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Productive Things to do While Procrastinating

Updated on January 4, 2011
Drinking while a dog sleeps beneath your feet is often a fantastic way to pass the time.
Drinking while a dog sleeps beneath your feet is often a fantastic way to pass the time. | Source

Because you want to do SOMETHING... just not THAT.

Procrastination is the death of productivity, the antithesis of all things useful and active in this world. It is, by definition, the act of failing to do something, for an extended period of time, and not because you can't. No, this is because, for whatever reason, you just don't wanna.

But that doesn't mean you should do NOTHING. Indeed, it is a great failure of mankind that procrastination should be considered a time to do naught. Here are ten things you can do while procrastinating that will hopefully make you feel useful in some capacity, even if that usefulness is, in practical purpose, about as good for society as watching tofu dissolve in the sun. (Does it actually do that? Who cares.)

#1: Figure out what all the things on a swiss army knife do.

Some are pretty obvious, like so:

If you can't figure out what a knife does then, like, how did you unwrap your computer from its packaging, that you might use it? Surely a knife worked into the process somehow.

That aside, though, there are some swiss army protuberances that boggle the mind:

A tiny hook? What does that do? What function does it serve in a person's everyday life? Make it your mission to find out.

#2: Discover if you have any weird food allergies.

Chances are good you already know if you're allergic to, say, peanuts. Tree nuts. Milk. Ham. Oysters. Lots of stuff. But I bet you've never tried to eat one of these:

How would you know if you've never tried? Even if you just lick it a bit. You'll know. You'll know, and then you can avoid any future unpleasantness that might arise on a shadowy winter's night when, while at a party, somebody starts passing around the guitars.

You'll know... to turn them down.

#3: Try standing on your hands.

You can't, but try anyway.

#4: Spy on the neighbors.

Maybe you know them well. Maybe you don't. Either way, there are things to be learned in the world beyond your front window - or through a high-powered telescope, perhaps aimed off your balcony, pointed into someone's washroom.

You may be a little gross if you have this kind of setup.


Oh, Frasier.

#5: Train for the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

If nothing else, your attempts to prove your skills in the ring will get you in slightly better condition than you were before - but you STILL won't be able to do a hand stand.

Don't go all the way, however, as you'll probably look a bit like this when you're approaching the ring:

And that's just not good for anybody. (Except your opponent. He's going to beat the snot outta you.)


#6: Attempt to construct a famous monument out of beer cans.

Sadly, no matter what you do, it will wind up a pyramid. Scientifically proven.

#7: Check the status of every last person on your Facebook list.

And what they've been up to lately. Document any changes to their profile. Check their pictures - indeed, save every last one you see - and 'Like' them all. Install every application THEY have installed, so you can compete against and interact with these people, some of whom you may barely know.

You are now a weird Internet stalker. Yay!

'I swear I'm single! I'm totally over whatserface!'
'I swear I'm single! I'm totally over whatserface!' | Source

#8: Come up with weird passes you can make at the opposite sex - or the same! - the next time you're out.

These need to be so outrageously bizarre that the target doesn't even know what's going on, like so:

'Hey baby, I fished a dead rat out of my pipes the other day. Wanna see how I did the right thing and buried it in my back yard?'


'Man, I haven't been so smitten with someone since Darth Vader sent troops down to Tatooine to look for the droids, one of whom was created Anakin Skywalker in his youth. What a crazy coincidence!'

Or even:

'Is that a sausage in your pocket or did you just buy a remote control and opted not to pay a few measly cents for a bag? It's only a few cents, be reasonable.'

The perfect soundtrack for your new, insane activity.

#9: Find a mall and jog up every down escalator you come across. (And vice versa.)

Soon you'll be leading a merry chase against security guards who, befuddled by your actions, won't be able to keep up. You have PRACTICE now.


#10: Conquer the world.

Yes, this is more difficult than what you were originally supposed to do, but think about it. If you can take over the world, you won't HAVE to finish that essay or gift wrapping or whatever. Overlords can delegate. Right? Right.

Even better, you can make somebody else test steps one to nine of this list. While you watch. And laugh. And mock. The joys of supremacy.


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