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Lemon County: Armageddon Wet...

Updated on December 15, 2011

Rain Is Hell...

If you watch the news here in Lemon County, we are in the middle of Armageddon. The Los Angeles TV stations have sent out their “B” team reporters, who are mispronouncing all the local street names. (It’s like almost fifty miles away, dude.)

Like a bunch of excited schoolboys (and girls), they wear their special clothing and enthuse about the disasters that have happened (with video taken at night - you can image how great that is…), and the greater disasters that are about to happen. Emergency shelters are open, including places to take your animals, road closures and really helpful messages scroll underneath the messengers.

Trust me, it’s hell out here on the west coast.

The problem?

Well it’s raining.

Rather a lot, actually. Not Seattle ‘a lot,’ but major amounts for poor old Lemon County. Oh, and its pretty windy and there are only two shopping days to Christmas.

One of the reporters, braving the “outside” in the local mountains, helped us all, by reporting that there was this stuff, like somewhere between snow and rain falling. I nearly hurt myself shouting, “It’s called sleet you moron!” at the TV. He didn’t hear me as he continued sharing his ignorance, and getting really wet.

The news stations don’t know what to do first. Film the crazies in the mall parking lot, doing what passes for parking out here? Go inside and film the panic on the shoppers faces as they rush to buy everything in the stores, so they can bring it all back in a couple of days? Film the water rushing down the gutters? Film hillsides that may, or may not, slide down? Film the emergency crews rescuing idiots who went to look at the water rushing in the river? Film the cars stuck in giant puddles because, of course, their car can drive through two feet of water?

The teams are spread pretty thin. What piece of utter lunacy should they focus on? The anchors in the studio are breaking into a sweat as they juggle all these live feeds…

Oh, the humanity…

Just to prove how puerile the whole thing can be, the reporters (standing in the rain, or how else would we know how serious this weather thing is) ask passers by what they think. Oh, great, now we get to hear from the people who went out in this, with the single goal of getting on TV.

“Well, me and my friends thought we’d like go to the mall and it was like totally, you know, and then this rain and all, so’s it’s pretty rough out here, yeah…”

I lost 5,000 brain cells just listening to that.

Oh, and the Lemon County solution to dangerous driving conditions? Drive home as fast as you can! (Aquaplane – is that a toy for fish?) So, the freeways are littered with cars that fell off the freeway, sideswiping a couple of other cars on their way. The people get out and look in amazement at their crumpled cars, waiting for the police to arrive and tell them what spectacular morons they are.

In a previous life, I was a police officer and had to deal with rain on a pretty regular basis (surprise, it rains in England!), but had nowhere near the number of accidents due to rain, as the officers in the LC do. I can imagine the conversations and wonder how they keep their composure…

“What happened here madam?”

“Well I was on my way to the mall, to, you know, get some last minute things, when all of the sudden, my car she just, you know, she went sideways. I was like rilly, rilly scared, and then these other cars just got in my way…”

“What speed were you going?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. I’m pretty sure it was under eighty though.”

“Did you notice the heavy rain?”

“Yeah, for sure, I saw it on the news and everything…”

“No, when you were driving…”

“I was telling my sister, it was like crazy wet and everything…”

“Was she in the car ma’am?”

“Who?”

“Your sister?”

“Don’t be silly, she lives in Van Nuys. I was tellin’ her on my cell…”

“Ma’am I’m going to have to cite you for reckless driving…”

“Bummer, will that take long, ‘cause I need to get to Macy’s for the door-buster thing. Do you think you could, maybe, give me a lift?”

The parking lots are not much better than the freeways. All the spaces are full one hour before the mall opens, so you get to prowl around for the elusive space. You can park in a row, gunning your engine like a bull with a bad temper, claiming your row, and wait. Or there is an alternative strategy, simply follow people walking out of the mall, the, so-called, stalker technique. The issues arise when the stalker meets the waiting bull.

The mall-leaver always takes an age, loading up the vehicle, strapping the children in, and then seemingly doing a full set of pre-flight checks, before gingerly poking his rear end into the row. The stalker and the bull move as close as they can to the soon to be vacated space, both having played a dangerous game of “called it” with their indicators (The only time these are used, by the way), flicking them on the second they knew which side the mall-leaver was going.

The mall-leaver, excited by having finished all his, or her, shopping, temporarily forgets how to drive and attempts a three point turn in the parking space, eventually nudging out into the row. Turning right he lets the bull in, turning left, the stalker. Which way to go…the loser will let fly with a rigid digit (or two), the winner will not acknowledge you. I guess the person with the least threatening car wins.

Oh, and that’s in the dry. Add in the torrential rain, lousy visibility, severely eroded patience, and the impending race down the rain-slicked highway, and you get a glimpse of the seven layers of hell we are living in.

Care packages are welcome…


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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    • ChrisLincoln profile imageAUTHOR

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      atthum,

      Got it in one...I bleed in black and white, so last season was agony!

      Chris

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 

      7 years ago from Australia

      I should have guessed you'd be a loony toon.

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      7 years ago from England

      Hi, Chris, ha ha this sounds like England when it snows! we get it every year but the trains stop, the buses skid, and people can't go to work for six months, because it is 'rilly rilly cold!' ha ha Oh and I think Limey is okay, because that makes us inteligent as it means we 'invented' or discovered vitamin C on board the old ships when everyone ate limes and lemons so they didn't get scurvy! we hate the word POM! but I think that is because we all want to scream at Australians and say, 'don't be stupid, you are the Poms not us, prisoners of her majesty get it? POM'! ha ha cheers nell

    • ChrisLincoln profile imageAUTHOR

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      AttHum,

      I'm a supporter of Sue's daughter, Chelsea, but a "Toon" fan in real (football) life. Being a Newcastle fan includes a regular helping of pain, so I feel yours...

      As I write this, it is raining again, and they are busy working on the semi-arid status of Lemon County!!!

      The "good" news is that everyone has crashed their car, so they are walking to work today...

      Chris

    • attemptedhumour profile image

      attemptedhumour 

      7 years ago from Australia

      Hi Chris the 80% shouldn't be allowed to shop, never mind impersonate cross channel ferry pilots. How would they go on black ice? Or sludge created by that stuff that appears out of the sky. When you find that small uninhabited island, i'll join you even though you're a Chelsea fan and i'm Wolves of the rock bottom variety. We'll ban vehicles, shops and newsmen. Cheers from a colonial limey.

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- Of course I believe in Santa. The media have told me that he exists, and I know they would never say anything that wasn't so.

      Plus, I saw him down at Macy's.

      I had 2 slices of pizza and beer for Christmas mid-meal. It's a special day, so I had a beer that wasn't a twist-off.

      Sorry I called you Limey. My husband is a french-canadian, so I called him a frog to make up for it. Does insulting one person make up for insulting another? I don't think I thought that all the way through.

      Thanks for the greetings to Chelsea (I passed them on) and for the coal to me (I added it to my collection).

      Hope you enjoy your day off of househusbandry. Please pass season's greetings on to She-who-deserves-to-be-adored. What the heck, keep a piece of my coal for yourself.. I don't mind to share!

    • ChrisLincoln profile imageAUTHOR

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sorry to hear you are Mr. Sue-less on the day. I hope you gets lots of pretty wet white stuff that falls from the sky. Did Santa do an early fly by - and don't tell me you don't believe!

      Did you massacre a bird with all the burnt trimmings? This is one of those meals that She who is adored cooks- so I sort of get a break...

      BTW limey is an insult - mostly used by Australians to pour scorn on Brits. I am unashamedly and unabashedly an Englishman to the core, no matter the external American trappings, but ever the gent I'm happy to send seasons greetings to the colonists, but really only for Chelsea, you get coal ...

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris,

      I like, totally, already had Christmas because my husband has to be gone over Christmas. It was gnarly.

      We're totally going to get your, like, rain stuff, but it's rilly, rilly, cool because it's totally going to be snow by the time it gets here. OMG.

      Have a great Christmas, Limey. (is that right? Are people from England called Limey's? Or is that, like a bad thing to call someone from England? If it is you can call me a Yankee and I'll just deal with it. :O))

    • ChrisLincoln profile imageAUTHOR

      ChrisLincoln 

      7 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      I was like rilly, rilly, scared that I would lose the last of my waning supply of brain cells. Sorry, I think all the nasty stuff is heading your way - hopefully not, and hopefully you will have a wonderful Christmas,

      Chris

    • sueroy333 profile image

      Susan Mills 

      7 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- my heart goes out to all those "rilly, rilly, like scared people, you know, out in that stuff that isn't snow and isn't, like, you know, rain."

      You should be, like, the weather man. "Hey, Lemon County, you can, like totally water your lawns now."

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