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Something Wonderful is going to Happen! (Installment 1, Chapter 1)

Updated on December 11, 2015
Larry Rankin profile image

Larry Rankin, an experiened writer, enjoys creative writing in all forms, from literary to mainstream.

Author’s Note:

The following is the first chapter of a novel or novella, dependent on the ending length, which I will be submitting periodically in installments. It is a satire of sorts with elements of dark comedy. It follows a main character with a clearly defined morality that is well removed from normalcy.

This story and its subsequent installments are graphic, vulgar, and very likely per the definitions of some, blasphemous. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DON’T READ THIS STORY!!!

Source

The Book of Guy: Chapter 1

I looked out the back window of my trailer through the brown, rust covered screen to see what I’d seen for the past five years: cows, Black Angus as far as the eyes could see. It was a pitiful thing to have been at college as long as I had and to have seen little more than smelly bovine standing remarkably still with no more to do with their time than eat grass--their aspirations already preset on making a fine hamburger someday.

What more could be expected? I had, after all, decided to attend college at Rock University knowing full well its rich history in agriculture. The story goes something like this:

Earl Johnson, Protestant preacher and a man made wealthy through cattle trade, had decided that a man ought be able to have as many concubines as he could support. His church, on the other hand, thought otherwise. This would have been around 1900. But, despite being outnumbered in his belief, he was able to break away from his native church and put together a community of other men who thought as he had.

In the then booming coal communities of southeastern Oklahoma, towns now so small they aren’t even on the map, he gathered actual and wanna be polygamists and taught the gospel, or his version of it. Every Wednesday and Sunday in a lush valley on the outskirts of Adamson Oklahoma that is now beneath thirty feet of water via Lake Eufaula, he held his services in a wooden temple, until one evening when white-hooded men, then thought to be the keepers of public decency, told him he could either leave or be subject to public hanging.

He left, but through one last heartfelt sermon he was able to convince his some eighty parishioners to come along with him. The speech is a matter of public record and goes as follows:

Source

__________________________

“I, Preacher Johnson, am a man of God! Despite this fact, the people of my community, the people who had so willingly ate my beef, have seen fit to drag my name into the filthy quagmire, to quit eating my beef, the best beef, the beef of the Black Angus!

They have taken to beating my meat, saying ‘Why this meat t’aint no good at all!’ I say to those, they should beat their own meat! No good has ever come from simply beating the meat of others! They should sit down in the evening, stare themselves in the mirror, search their souls, beat their own meat, and then and only then might they be not so quick, not so willing to beat the meat of others!

I, Preacher Johnson, am a man of God, and I, Preacher Johnson, am a provider. Up until I was so rudely blackballed by the supposed good people of this community I provided the beef for a good part of it. I provided beef for as small a charge as possible. I even on occasion saw to it that the widows of the community, those who would otherwise have no beef at all, were given plenty. On more than one occasion, I might add, after long day’s toil, I saw to it that Widow Simpson was given beef of the night. ‘Oh,’ you may say, ‘but surely you didn’t give her good beef, not the beef of the Black Angus!’ I say to you I gave her the sturdiest, thickest cut of meat I had!

I gave beef to widow Cultry, widow Salisbury, widow Crank, I even gave beef to Mr. Holliston when he was down on his luck. I gave beef to his entire family, and now he is among the very men who want to see me hang! And all for what? For what I ask you? Because I am a provider? Because I want to spread my seed and prosper just like the Good Book tells us to. They tell me I’m wrong; they tell me that in the name of decency, in the name of FREEDOM, I should stop! Well I say what kind of freedom is it that doesn’t even let a man have the same rights as animals!

‘Animals,’ you say ‘why what on earth ever do you mean?’ Some of you questioned my bringing this Black Angus Bull to the church today. Well, now your questions will be answered. I brought my great bull Rock here today to make a point. I think it is of little doubt, regardless of what you think of me personally, that I have provided some of the best beef for this community for the good part of ten years now. Well don’t thank me. Thank Rock! That’s right, every last delicious morsel you’ve eaten was a product of Rock’s seed! It has been a good seed; he is a good bull; and as a result, he has been given free range to copulate with every cow I got.

He does this, and yet not a soul has threatened his life for it! But when I say to the people I am a provider! I am a man who gives good seed! They say to me I can only give this seed to one wife. Ha! Fools! I say NO! I say to whoever be willing to marry me, to however many be willing to marry me; I give you my seed--my good seed!

And they say, ‘don’t be daft; for those beliefs you hang or be banished forever.’ Well, now I leave! I go west for a better life, a better world where a man has FREEDOM! And those of you, those brave few who believe along with me, I say to the women come with and you will never hunger for the good beef. And men come too, and you will never hunger for concubine with which to disperse your seed!”

Source

__________________________

The good preacher was true to his word. He led his cattle and his followers west until they found a desolate piece of land in western Oklahoma near the Texas border, and named the piece of land Freedom, as it is still called today. Along the way they had plenty of beef, in fact, so much beef that others came with them. By the time they reached Freedom there were over two-hundred among them.

The colony proved greatly prosperous; men were able to raise cattle, and to plant fields of wheat that grew like nobody’s business. Freedom’s population grew and grew with an efficiency beyond that of any other place. Men were awarded wives as a result of their ability to make money. And in 1907 the forward thinking Johnson decided that Freedom needed a venue of higher education. As luck would have it that very year Rock, his beloved bull, took ill with a deadly case of, ironically enough, rock-foot and died while grazing atop Freedom’s only hill. It was there that Johnson decided to build his college, and to name it after its founder: Rock University.

Preacher Earl Johnson died in 1940 at the age of seventy-three. The source of his departure is of great debate. Most historians tend to believe he died as a result of syphilis caught from a Gypsy whore, others say he caught syphilis from an Indian whore, and still others say he caught syphilis from an ill-chosen wife who, coincidentally, had once been a whore.

Whoever gave him the syphilis also gave it to about every other male member of Freedom. They in turn gave it to their wives and one by one they wasted away. The few who survived denounced Preacher Johnson’s religion and began following more conventional worship. Today not a single follower of Johnson’s branch of cattle inspired polygamous religion survive. But the Black Angus and the wheat does, as far as the eye can see, as well as the only true cow-college in the United States.

Source

__________________________

And there I was, stuck in a $150 a month dump of a trailer overlooking all of it. I had come there, oddly enough, because of Johnson. My original home had been in southeastern Oklahoma near Adamson, and people still told the tale of Preacher Johnson. It struck a chord with me and my own beliefs. Not that a man just ought to be able to marry as many women as he wanted, but that a man ought to be able to have sex with as many women as he wanted and not have to be ashamed about it.

It was my belief that deep down this was the belief of Preacher Johnson--that he’d simply made up the whole religious aspect of it so men wouldn’t have to be ashamed for having sex with lots of women. I really admired what he had done. I think deep down all men really want is sex with lots and lots of women.

I’d tried the monogamy thing in high school. You could get one woman, be really nice to her, and almost inevitably you’d get sex. But just as soon as you started having sex with another girl the other one would get mad and not have sex with you anymore. Or she would go and have sex with another guy.

That simply wouldn’t do. I wanted more. One girl was nice, but I always wanted another one, but to get another one meant losing the last one. No headway was being made. Because, let’s face it, one of the real purposes of sex is to show ownership, and the American way isn’t to own enough, it’s to own more than enough. The fact that I could only own sex from one woman at a time was frustrating--not to mention it made the prospect of a three-way all but impossible.

But my senior year in high school, being the industrious young man I was, I came upon what seemed to be the answer. Alcohol! The trick was to get two girls I’d had sex with before really drunk, and next thing you know they’re willing to do the nastiest things in the world with you--and each other. The problem is that the next morning, without fail, they never want to speak to you again. It was a quick fix, but it led to a dead end that saw fewer prospects than ever. One of the girls actually killed herself as a result of depression, and the other became a nun. After that it was impossible to have sex with either one of them again!

I tried to console myself by thinking, “Hey, this girl actually killed herself because of me.” But I knew she hadn’t--it was the fact that that night she had discovered she was really a lesbian. Her suicide letter didn’t even mention me--just on and on about how she was in love with Nunny McNuninson.

The alcohol gave me no more power than a single night’s conquest. Again, going back to the teachings of Preacher Johnson, I realized the folly of my ways: POWER! Preacher Johnson had had power over his women both through religion and boom: MONEY! He had become wealthy selling his Angus beef.

It was from this I was able to devise my religion, my own trinity. The Christian religion is really very simple, composed of three entities: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. The Father is the biggest, most all encompassing of the three, none of them able to exist without the God who fathered them.

To me the creating father was Sex with a stable of women who only had sex with me. As a result, the need for making money and gaining power were created. My Trinity is thus: Sex, Money, Power.

I had discovered my own religion; I had discovered my own definition of morality.

  1. I shall not have sex until I have gained money and power.
  2. I shall gain money and power through any means necessary.
  3. I shall keep a number of women in my stable proportionate to my money and power.
  4. I shall use my money and power to bully and manipulate people in a way conducive of more sex.
  5. I shall always be seeking in life more sex, money, and power.

Opinion

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4.5 out of 5 stars from 4 ratings of Something Wonderful is going to Happen!

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    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 21 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Well, I am glad you had the warning at the start Larry, this story could certainly be seen as a little controversial. That being said I did find it intriguing and quite a good read. I wish you luck with the rest of the story and having it published as a novel or novella.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 21 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Larry, a fun read for sure. Thankfully you gave us all a warning at the beginning. Your new religion sounds like one quite a few would join. Get ready for huge crowds. :)

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 21 months ago from south Florida

      You do know how to get someone's attention, Larry. An intriguing and imaginative beginning for sure. Can hardly wait 'til the next installment.

      BTW, why were you awake at 3am when you submitted this? Just wonderin'.

    • Mel Carriere profile image

      Mel Carriere 21 months ago from San Diego California

      I can tell already this is going to be really good. Don't pull punches for my sake please. If people confuse this for blasphemy they really don't understand what you are doing. There are very few hubbers I am jealous of and you are one. Magnificent!

    • rebelogilbert profile image

      Gilbert Arevalo 21 months ago from Hacienda Heights, California

      Interesting start Larry. I had to read this story by going to your profile page. The direct email from Hub pages was corrupt. Many people are paranoid about sexual themes. Be aware of it and check it out.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 21 months ago from USA

      Glad you gave the warning, Larry. You don't pull any punches. All the best in getting this completed and published.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 21 months ago from Texas

      Thanks for the warning Larry, a very interesting read.

    • AliciaC profile image

      Linda Crampton 21 months ago from British Columbia, Canada

      This is definitely an unusual and interesting story, Larry! I'm looking forward to the next installment.

    • Larry Rankin profile image
      Author

      Larry Rankin 21 months ago from Oklahoma

      I want to thank everyone who dropped by for both their positive and negative criticism. I just don't really have much to say at this juncture about the novel besides that your reactions are crucial positive or otherwise and this story is going to continue to take us down a very dark path.

      Exploring the darkness is nothing new. Look at Madea, the play by Euripides not the new incarnation, or the Faust legend, blasphemous now much less the 1400s from which it sprang. In modern times, look no further than Walter White or Ton Soprano.

      At the end of the day, though, if you want to hate me for this story, you’re going to hate me for this story, and I’ll have to learn to live with it. I don’t apologize for it. It isn’t finished yet, but I can’t help but think there is some manner of merit in it somewhere. Maybe I’m drilling a dry hole. It remains to be seen.

      As for the future of this series, I will be coming out with installments for the next 3 or 4 weeks. One can look at that as the first season if they want to see it as a television program. Then in another 3 months or so there will be another 4 or 5 episode that will come out weekly.

      Thanks again for dropping by.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 21 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      Isn't this how Charlie Manson originally thought? He had no money, but he sure had power over people.

      We all know that sex sells, so I think you'll do quite well with this.

    • temptor94 profile image

      Ritu Temptor 20 months ago from India

      As the others have already said.. it is indeed a bold story. But I enjoyed reading it. There are people who follow such principles in real life, just that they don't get to admit it publicly because of social paranoia.

    • Say Yes To Life profile image

      Yoleen Lucas 20 months ago from Big Island of Hawaii

      I LOVE THIS!!!

      Regarding Rocky - to quote an old poster, "Cows may come and cows may go, but the bull around this place lasts forever."

      Looking forward to more!

    • lawrence01 profile image

      Lawrence Hebb 20 months ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

      To me this sounds like modern day politics! They use all three to get what they want, and along the way they tell the masses what they want to hear!

      Lawrence

    • Besarien profile image

      Besarien 18 months ago

      Hello Larry! Hope you are having a happy new year.

      Yep, a man with a really bad plan always makes for a good read!

      "Her suicide letter didn’t even mention me--just on and on about how she was in love with Nunny McNuninson." Perversely, this made me laugh- a lot. I love that the emotional depth of your main character may best be described on the molecular level.

      I'm coming back for part two right now.

    • RoadMonkey profile image

      RoadMonkey 18 months ago

      That's an extremely innovative and powerful start to a series or novel. Intriguing.

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