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Troubled Thoughts Page1

Updated on January 3, 2014

" RYAN "

Sometimes I want to call you but your not there,

I want to scream your name. I want to hide from all the pain

that has left me so drained, since the day it started to rain.

Our lives were swept away in a hurricane on that September day

things were forever changed. I find myself lost in a thunder rain

where I can only feel the pounding pain.

Sometimes I feel that I have become insane lost in my brain,

looking for you in a labyrinth maze. Every once in a great mile

at the speed of light I hit the wall of reality dealing with everyday.

Spending all my lifetime waiting for that second chance for a

break that would make it okay but it's so sad at the end of the day.

I find myself isolated weightless and empty sweet memories of Ryan

get me through the day!

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO WRITE THIS ? Sweet memory's of my son Ryan, feeling so lost with out his presence in our everyday life.There has been several times where one of us will forget he's passed away and call for him to come inside to eat lunch for example. When this happens to me, I instantly fall deep into this darkened world of sadness.  What happens is I start to tear water falls, my breathing fills with congestion it becomes difficult to breath. My heart starts to breath faster and faster I feel seconds from a heart attack. It feels like I'm high up in the mountains, my ears are so plugged up. All I think about is please leave me to die don't help me I want to go to that beautiful heavenly kingdom where my son is!


In loving memory of our beloved son Ryan Izaic Arellano


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    • Bard of Ely profile image

      Steve Andrews 

      7 years ago from Lisbon, Portugal

      We have only just met and I am so sorry to read about your loss!

    • generalbrat profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from california,usa

      To; poohgranma thankyou for your comment I can truly say that you do know what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. It may have been only to days but it was more time that you had with your baby. JUST REMEMBER THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO IT IN YOUR TUMMY, AS IT GREW YOU BONDED SO DEEPLY. This is what is so beautiful about having children. So sorry for your loss as well. Parents like you do know how hard it is to just move on with life. It's easier said than done! We tend to live a life with a broken heart that can't ever be repaired again. Hopefully God gave you more children. They are the only ones that can help us with this pain. My little youngest son Andy was the main one to help me from wanting to do something crazy just to be with him. My son Ryan loved him so much. My other older sons as well but it was Andy. My husband and boys are the best. I love them all so much and "I thank them for reminding that they can't live with out me and me without them!" I now realize as a family we will face everything together. When Ryan died I forgot that they are very important to me as well, this won't ever happen again.

    • HattieMattieMae profile image


      7 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

      Very sorry for your loss, and grateful ryan helped others lives. May God embrace him and cuddle him in wings of love.

    • Poohgranma profile image


      7 years ago from On the edge

      What an adorable little angel Ryan was. I can only feel your pain as one who also lost a son but he was with us a brief two days, not long enough to form all of the memories of Ryan you hold dear but also tear your heart to pieces.

      Such bravery and goodness your family has expressed with the gifts of life from Ryan. This writing was hard to read and so painful but also full of hope and gratitude for people like you who reach out to others in in your darkest times. God bless you and your family.

    • generalbrat profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from california,usa

      thank you for caring

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      that made me shed a tear

    • generalbrat profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from california,usa

      thanks my friend a horseback

      i know i can always count on your shoulder to cry on i can say i am at peace with knowing our son still lives on in his organ recipiants giving the gift of life to others i know he accomplished his purpose in life. Iam very proud of my family making this hard decision but it would have been harder for us to just be selfish and allow all his beauty of life just to rot he saved 3 peoples lives that were around the corner to their own graves we are very happy Ryans heart gave another child a second chance in life this child was born with heart problems it was to sad to know that this baby had not ever tasted food walked ect. ever month he was having open heart surgery the pain this baby boy suffered was so sad this child is now called the miracle baby because 2 weeks after surgery with our son's heart this boy had jumped up and started to walk and finally taste real food he was always fed throw tubes this baby is strong now full of life and energy that his family and friends are chasing him around Baby Ryan also saved the life of a 46 year old kind beautiful women with his kidneys and a baby boy with his liver then about a year later we recive a letter that he gave the gift of sight to two diffrent people the intellegence of the great smart surgeons is cool i encourage all to become california organ donors it's the greatest gift we can accomplish in this life God has giving us the privliage to raise a heaven sent angel even if it was only 3 short years it is better to have known him then to never have meet him at all thankyou God Iam nolonger afraid of death Im excited to live in heaven by their side in the future


    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Remember above all else , the pain is real , yes but so is the sharing of loss. You are never alone we are all here with you . And in the spirit worlds that we know so little of is Ryan. Thank you for giving us your heart.Its nice to "see " you here again. We missed you. Merry Christmas !

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 

      7 years ago

      I agree with dahoglund, very sad. I hope you are having a better time of it, with the Festive Holidays arriving quickly. Peace to you and your spirit.

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 

      7 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      Very sad.


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