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The Day I Discovered Time Travel: A "Choose-Your-Own-Ridiculous-Adventure"
How This Works
I'm going to start a narrative and, when prompted, simply scroll down to the numbered paragraph you chose and keep reading.
DO NOT READ THE STORY STRAIGHT THROUGH LIKE A NORMAL STORY. Seriously, don't make it complicated, brah.
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This day started just like any other for you. You woke up, gave a little stretch as you welcomed the morning sun with a yawn, and flopped your tired ass out of bed and into the shower.
After toweling yourself off, and putting on your favorite pair of underpants, you finished getting dressed and you decided what you're going to eat for breakfast.
"Damn I'm hungry," you say to yourself aloud, "What do I want to make?"
To eat a bowl of cereal and some fresh fruit; go to paragraph 2
To eat a hot dog and some fried pickles; go to paragraph 3
To eat some roadkill you found last night and some lead paint; go to paragraph 11
After downing a healthy breakfast, you feel fully energized and ready to go outside for a leisurely hike into the forest. You pack all the essentials and leave the house, drive for 30 miles to Kick Ass National Forest and begin a long and spiritual hike as you commune with nature and let all your stress and anxiety melt away like a chocolate bar in hell.
About 6 miles into the hike, you just barely notice a darkened narrow path, hidden extremely well by the surrounding plant life.
"That's curious looking," you think to yourself, "It's probably dangerous, but I feel a strong desire to go down it."
If you think it's too risky to try it; go to paragraph 5
If you decide that nothing ventured means nothing gained; go to paragraph 4
After having a hot dog and fried greasy food for breakfast (and no doubt downing that with a fifth of Jack Daniels), you feel sluggish and gross, but you decide to go for a hike regardless. You pack up the essentials and drive off about 30 miles outside of the city to Lethargic National Forest and flop yourself out of the car and onto the dirt ground below. After picking yourself up off the ground, you slowly begin your hike, cursing the Gods for allowing you to leave your house because your poor nutritional choices have left you with a bad case of mudbutt.
While walking, you constantly hold your gaze to the ground and concentrate on not needing a bathroom and praying that each time you fart, it is ONLY just a fart and nothing worse. You suddenly notice a small, dark hidden path forking off the main trail. It's very omnious looking, but you are very curious by nature. What do you do?
To ignore the dark trail; go to paragraph 5
To bite the proverbial bullet and check it out; go to paragraph 4
"I'm no pussy," you proudly proclaim, and you brush the tall grass aside and enter the forebodingly dark trail.
At first, the only dangerous thing you encounter is a few thorny bushes and a spider web that you walk face first into, which sets you off in a goofy fit of flailing wildly and looking like an idiot. You then hear a sound; a low grumbling sound, like a growl. You stop in your tracks, being careful not to make a peep.
"What the Toodlyzoodlefuck was that," you think to yourself in a quiet inner-whisper, for reasons unknown. (You're a weird person.) Eventually you realize that standing in the middle of a dark path in a large national forest, perfectly still, isn't going to do you any good, so you plan your next move.
To investigate the sound; go to paragraph 8
To sneak off in the opposite direction and continue exploring; go to paragraph 6
"I don't really care what's beyond that spooky trail. Better safe than sorry, like my 400lb racist granddaddy always said."
With that, you continue on the designated safe path, return to your car, drive home, hold back tears as you sit alone in your room masturbating to late 90s porn on VHS, then eventually die a sad and unfilled human being.
Deciding that the noise is most likely coming from a vicious chupacabra, and wanting no part of that horsecrap, you slowly sneak off in the opposite direction, further down the dark path.
After a short while, you come to a clearing that is the most beautiful area you have ever seen in your life. The surrounding grass is the greenest you have ever seen and it's drenched with a glistening coat of the freshest rains. There is a small spring in the center that is spewing the clearest water upwards like a fountain, and a smooth maroon red stone on a small granite pedestal that appears as if it's been polished by the hands of angels. You even notice that your lungs are effortlessly filling up with the cleanest air you've ever breathed, but it's the stone that has captured most of your attention.
As you reach to grab the fist-sized stone from the pedestal, a beautiful young woman rises up from the waters of the spring. Her long black hair flows in the air as if underwater, the skin on her shoulders encrusted with small shiny jewels, her large perky boobies pointed directly at you.
(Author's note: I'm sorry about that, I got a bit carried away. I just crave the joy that comes with the perky boobs that so many lovely ladies have to offer.)
(Author's 2nd note: Oh my god, I did it again, didn't I? Okay, I'm sorry about that as well. I've decided to stop talking about...you know....those awesome things. Moving on...)
She speaks to you with a powerful, sultry voice, yet in a grave and serious tone. "You have found the ancient resting place of the Kronos Stone, a feat that very few have ever achieved. You must be very perceptive to have found the trail head that led you here."
"Yeah, I'm actually quite amazing, at least that's what my mother, my therapist, and 2 guys I pay a monthly fee to boost my confidence tell me," you proudly explain.
Ignoring your comment, the nymph proceeds with her dire caution, "Take warning, young traveler, for this stone will allow you to take any trail through time you wish to take. It's not a DeLorean, but hey, don't be picky, aight?"
"You'd be wise to only observe, and never interfere," she continued, "Doing so could disrupt the space-time thingamajig and cause irreparable harm to life as we know it."
"But wouldn't any change I make in time go completely unnoticed because whatever I change in the past will become life as we know it," you say, feeling proud of your grasp on how these things work.
Slightly annoyed at this point, the nymph loses all the sing-song charm and sexiness in her voice and speaks coarsely and frankly to you, "Look buddy, I've been swimming here for a long time, waiting for travelers to find this rock so I can deliver my dire warnings and send the bastards on their way, I don't need the lip service, aight? The rock keeps coming back to its rightful place on the pedestal, so that should tell you something about the lasting appeal of time travel. So yeah, are you going, or what?"
To travel back to the time when dinosaurs ruled over the planet; go to paragraph 10
To travel back to World War II Germany; go to paragraph 9
To travel back to witness your own birth; go to paragraph 7
To witness your own conception; go to your nearest therapist to work out your issues.
"I wonder what it was like on the day I was born," you say, and no sooner do the words escape your lips, does the stone light up a dark reddish glow and you are zapped away from the eternal spring and into a dirty apartment with used needles, old bags of Cheetos, dead roach carcasses, and empty cans of Spam lining the faded seafoam green shag carpeting. Your nose burns as the smell of cat urine and body odor attack your sense of smell and you notice a younger version of your mother laying spread-eagle on the floor. A younger version of your father holds her hand, while a man you've never seen before, wearing a bloody white T-shirt and a trucker hat that says "Dockter" on it digs around underneath your mom's dress.
"Okay, I think I got it. That's a head for sure, maybe a foot. Is that a tail? Damn, I should really not be drunk right now," he says.
Your mom doesn't really seem to be aware of what's going on and, looking right at you, she says, "That's cool, my man, the heroin is really making this much easier. Besides, I think an ugly magic alien just teleported into the room. Hi, space traveler!" She waves at you and smiles.
You pass out in shock and horror, sending you and the stone back to the spring. The nymph stands over your unconscious body.
"Well, I guess your time-traveling days are over," she laughs, placing the stone back onto the granite pedestal and dragging your ass all the way back to your car.
"I don't see any harm in investigating angry animal-like noises in a strange and dangerous environment," you say to yourself as you creep closer and closer to the source of the mysterious growl.
"Maybe it's a wounded kitten who desperately needs my----OH MY GOD, I was so very wrong about this!!!!!"
Your gut-wrenching screams fill the air as a raging cyclops-tiger pounces on you, rending and tearing your soft flesh like toilet paper. Upon finishing you off, the cycliger uses his razor sharp talons to pick out chunks of you from his fangs.
"Okay, I will do the obvious and most satisfying thing, I'm going to Germany in the late 30s and I'm going to kill Adolf Hitler," you triumphantly shout. "That guy needs to be stopped."
The nymph grabs you by the shoulders and offers a dire warning. "I know it's tempting, but you must not alter history, everything happens for a reason, that is what life is all about. We glean valuable lessons from every event in time, from a minor breakup to the Holocaust itself. To change this will have unforeseeable, yet grave consequences," she says, "even though nobody will know that anything has changed, it could easily make the problems of our world even greater."
Confused, you shrug her off and ask for clarity. "Like what, huh? What could be wrong with saving 6 million people from a dickless tyrant?"
The lady doesn't even hesitate in her response, saying, "Think on this, one of the biggest issues facing the world today is overpopulation. You could even say that's the root of many problems facing humanity, and nymphanity of course, so if you prevent the tragic deaths of 6 million people 75 years ago, imagine what the present will be like with 6 million more people who've bred 2 or 3 new generations of people! That would be about 40-50 million more people alive today."
You struggle with the math in your head for a few seconds until the scope of that problem sinks in. "Fuckberries, you're right. Okay, so don't undo the natural order of the universe by killing Hitler, got it," you say, disappointed.
"But I can reach a happy medium," you excitedly exclaim, "Here, give me that stone!"
You're zapped away from the mystical spring and, upon returning seconds later, you leave the clearing and head straight to the local Barnes & Noble. Once inside, you rush to the history section and, with the excitement level of a 16-year old girl on ecstasy, you find a book on WWII. Thumbing eagerly through the pages, you come across a chapter outlining the point in the war when a strangely dressed young individual appeared, as if out of nowhere, kicked Adolf Hitler extremely hard in the testicles, then vanished just as mysteriously, never to be seen or heard from again.
The beautiful young nymph extends her hand outward and hands you the Kronos Stone. Upon taking it, you feel its power surging through your palm. You've never felt more powerful and excited in your entire life, but where to go first? "I might as well start at the beginning," you say, closing your eyes.
"Be careful," the young maiden warns, "for history is littered with dangers."
"Take me to the time when dinosaurs ruled the planet," you yell out, stone firmly in hand. All of a sudden, you are whisked away through a long, bright tunnel and, when you land a brief moment later, you are surrounded by large, mysterious plants and strange wildlife. The air is light and a bit difficult for your polluted lungs to breathe in, but you manage, the wondrous sights you're taking in are more than enough of a distraction.
"This is even better than Jurassic Par...."
Before you can even finish your sentence, the hungry Tyrannosaurus that was behind you when you arrived snatches you up with his long knife-like teeth and eats you in two quick bites.
Dinosaurs are dangerous.
Why on earth would you eat roadkill and drink lead paint?!
Well, you were going to go on a refreshing forest hike, where you might have found a foxy water nymph who would have given you a magic stone for time-traveling, but instead you spend the first half of the day with painful and bloody diarrhea, nausea, and equally bloody vomiting, followed by a trip to the hospital where you die just moments before arriving.
That was a terrible choice of breakfast foods.
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