The I Has It

I inhabit Iapetus, third-largest moon of Saturn. I and my ilk are known simply as ‘The I’, an indigenous tribe of individuals who all answer to the name of ‘I’ [it is the subtly varied pronunciation of the name in our native tongue that differentiates each of us from the others].

We I inhabit only the bright hemisphere of our world; we can’t see a thing on the dark hemisphere. However, as we are all I, with no discernible I-lid, we tend to keep our backs to the Sun, to avoid undue I-strain [we have as yet been unable to synthesize an Iapetusian version of your Visine©].

Despite appearances, we do not choose to roll as our primary means of locomotion — too much grit in the I. Instead, we slide about on a thin trail of tears, thankfully produced in prodigious quantity by the substantial ducts under our wee arms.

[One more fun fact about us I: we cannot lie, for we are forever staring each other squarely — well, actually, roundly — in the eye, and we never blink!)