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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 5
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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 5
The dreadful trip to the Witches castle where more danger awaits our gallant crew.
They journeyed off again, this time in the direction of the Witch's Castle 50 miles hence from the Paradise City.
There was no half-decent road or rail link there as nobody much visited the place and the Witch and her cohorts were frequent flyers. So Zakk borrowed Ozzy's 4 X 4.
"They reckoned that we're gonna have to go off-road to get there" he said, "And it sure is dark now"
They drove along a B-route for many miles and it was a difficult journey as they had to pass 5 pubs on the way. They also ran over a goblin touching up a 'STOP' sign on a junction. Luckily he was unhurt as the paint-pot broke his fall. Zakk offered him some cash which he promptly ate and gave profuse thanks. They left him waving goodbye in his newly whitewashed state and continued on their way.
Finally Zakk had to turn off-road up a muddy path and through the fields. After cutting through a small copse they turned a corner and up ahead they could just make out a dark and sinister silhouette, black against the purple hue of the night sky. The Witch's Castle. R2D2's SatNav was working fine, it was made in Japan.
The track came to an end and even the 4 X 4 could no longer traverse the rugged and boggy terrain leading to the castle.
"We're gonna have to go by foot" said Zakk
"Pheeeeeoooowwww!! R2 replied
"He says....." C3PO began, "Ah know!" Zakk interrupted "Ah'll carry the little dude" They continued apace with Zakk gently crooning "He ain't heavyyyyyy, he's ma robot" to himself.
After ten minutes a break in the clouds appeared and the land was bathed in the silvery glow of a midnight moon. Amy looked wistfully at the sight;
"You know? Under other circumstances this would be quite a romantic experience" she said,
"You play your cards right honey and it might well be" offered Zakk,
"Oh! Give it a rest you randy git" she countered, "But look" she continued, "Look how the clouds glow in the moonlight, the shadows of the trees and the shimmering of the wings of that flock of birds flickering against the night sky"
"What?" said Bob,
"Those birds" pointed Amy "You don't often see that at this time of night".
Bob strained his eyes in the direction of her hand until his eyes grew accustomed to the sight,
"Ohhh Noo! Jaysus, Mary n' Joseph!!" he exclaimed "Them's not birds, them's them monkeys. Run!!, take cover before they see us"
But it was of no use, it was too late, the Wicked Witch had followed their every move in her crystal Google-ball and sent her squadron of airborne snatch squads to capture her prey.
"No wonder these fields stink of manure!!" exclaimed Bob as he ran for the relative safety of the car,
"Hey!, come back here!!" roared Zakk, "I ain't afeared of no dumb-ass flyin' chimpanzees, ah'm ready for a throwdown. Bring it on!!!"
"They're not actually chimpanzees" C3 corrected, "I would hypothesise that they are related to the macaque family, perhaps of Asian origin and...."
"I don't care what they are!" screamed Amy, "Here they come!!"
Our little party of witch-hunters were engulfed by the troop of the Witch's hairy henchmen.
"Oooo Oooo Oooo Waaa-haaaaah Waaa-haaaaah Waaa-haaaaah!!! the assailants screamed as they unleashed their forces.
"Wooooarrrggh!!! come and git some Smith n' Wesson!!", screamed Zakk. "Bang!! Bang!! Bang!!" as he fired shots from the pistol.
They knocked seven bells out of him.
Meanhwhile, Bob, covered in excretia, cowered inside the 4 X 4 which was smothered by the furious creatures battering on the roof and windows trying to smash their way in.
"Feck off back ta Longleat ye dirty stinkin bastards, yer not gettin me. The smell in here'll kill me first!!!"
R2 had set his laser to stun as being a kindly droid he didn't want to unduly harm the attackers but after dropping a few in a zoological battle of Space Invaders he was overwhelmed and carried away.
A trinket of the spoils of war taken by Wing Commander Ginger 'Nuts' Fortescue, a distinguished looking macaque of Anglo-Japanese ancestry, so perhaps C3PO was right.
But Amy was the focus of this evil mission and she was snatched by the beehive and launched into the air, "Owwww!!!, watch my roots!!" Her insults faded in the distance as she was carried away to the castle. Then the clouds closed in again, as if on cue, obscuring the moon like a curtain descending on a Shakespearean tragedy as the night recaptured the land.
Battered and bruised, Zakk struggled to his feet. Bob turned up with C3PO's head.
"Alas! Poor Yorik, I knew him well" he tried to joke, "Where's his body, Oi'll see if I can fix him, but at least he's quiet for now"
C3PO had tried to reason with the animals, offering an anthropological discourse on the negative consequences of primal aggression and violence but they lopped his head off with a clothes-pole. Primitive weaponry for they were sorely under-equipped. Bob found C3's prone metal carcass and set about re-connecting his disembodied head.
"Zakk" he said, "Oi'm really sorry Oi ran for cover, I dunno what came over me. I just panicked, Oi think them crows have traumatised me old self"
"Forget about it good buddy" Zakk replied, "Ah won't mention nuthin' if you don't tell no-one I got ma ass whipped by a bunch of freakin monkeys"
"Ye gotta deal there fella" Bob agreed,
"But, Phweeeeyoooo!!" added Zakk "Goddam!, you're havin' a bad day olfactory-wise pardner"
C3PO came back to life "....and furthermore acording to the theory of natural selection this aggressive behaviour may eventually lead to extinction unless it has..."
"They've gone C3" said Bob, interrupting the robot's oration, "Don't waste your breath"
"What happened Sir? Where are Amy and R2?"
"Ye might call it a blackout and them two are over there", Bob replied pointing to the castle.
"An that's where we're goin'" piped Zakk "Saddle up you guys, we gotta goddam
damsel-in-distress hostage type situation here. Let's go!!!"
And off they went towards the castle which eventually towered over them. It was fearsome and menacing in its portentous intimidation. They clambered over a rocky hillock to get a closer look at how they could breach the fierce and formidable fortifications. (The castle was heavily protected by over-alliteration)
Gazing down they saw massed ranks of disciplined looking soldiers marching along the moat of the castle. In time to their military goose-steps they chanted in a concordant unison
"Yohh-Hee-Ho, Yo Hoohhhh-Oh!! "Yohh-Hee-Ho, Yo Hoohhhh-Oh!! "Yohh-Hee-Ho, Yo Hoohhhh-Oh!!
"Hey!" whispered Zakk, "They're giving it with some Metallica, Cool!! These guys rock, maybe we can get 'em over to the show"
"Never mind that, how we gonna get in there. It's sure some helluva place this castle so it is" observed Bob,
"It sure is" said Zakk "An' poor Ozzy's paying the friggin rent"
The drawbridge was lowered and the portcullis raised as the serried ranks of men entered the castle. "We gotta go now dudes, it's our only chance" Zak continued "Ah reckon we can sneak in behind 'em, C'mon"
"Oh dear, Oh dear Oh dear, I don't like this, I don't like this one little bit" C3 shuddered,
"Well Oi'm up fer it", said Bob defiantly, "Them monkeys won't know what hit 'em"
They gingerly scrambled down the rocks unsure of their footing in the dark. Suddenly C3PO's feet gave way from underneath and he disappeared through a hole in the ground with a muffled cry of "Oooohhhhh!!!!" Down below two soldiers swung round. Our plucky heroes froze stock still lying on the ground behind some rocks. The soldiers walked forward and scanned the hillock intently.
"Whit d'ye think that wuz Sandy? asked one,
"Ah dinnae ken Angus, ah'm no too sure" replied the other. They were ex-Highland Light Infantry. They walked forward closer to investigate when a furry creature leaped from behind a rock and scampered away towards the undergrowth.
"DAA DAA DAA DAA DOWWWWW!!!
DAA DAA DAA DAA DOWWWWW!!!
thundered a sub-machine gun destroying the silence of the night as Corporal Sandy McSporran let rip. The other soldiers behind them took cover inside and turned around, guns poised at the ready.
"OY!!, you pair of Caledonian piss-artists" boomed a voice, "Are you two shootin at whisky bottles again?" It was Sergeant Tommy 'Steel' Toecaps (ex-Coldstream Guards) a thick-necked, thin-lipped red-faced beast in khaki and spittle.
"Naw, Sarge, it wuz just a manky wee fox" replied Angus.
"Yew 'orrible 'aggis-munchin', whisky-sodden, Jock thickheads!! Get back in 'ere!!! At the double!!! the furious sergeant screamed, "The bleedin orang-utans 'ave got more sense than you two!!" he added dryly as the portcullis closed behind them.
"Sheeeeee-it!" said Zakk, "Opportunity gone, but where's C3"
"He's falling down this hole" said Bob, peering down below "Are you OK C3?"
"Yes, Sir Bob" a voice came back below, "Just a little scrape on my chassis, but this looks very interesting down here."
They followed him down and what they saw was a long tunnel, obviously man-made,
"D'ya know what" said Zakk “I bet this takes us right into the castle. Well done C3, you might have saved the night ya clumsy droid"
They walked bent-double along the small passageway. There had obviously been other people here recently, as they noticed a pile of 'Johnnie Walker Black Label' empties. After 10 minutes of careful tread they came to a set of stairs carved into the stony ground. With bated breath they slowly climbed up towards a large door which they could discern by the thin cracks of light framing it. They heard voices from the other side. Zakk gently opened the door slightly to get a closer look. He was behind a large bookcase, for the architect had possessed little imagination.
Inside he saw the Wicked Witch holding court, surrounded by her primate vassals with two soldiers standing guard swaying gently as they leaned against each other behind her. Amy and R2 were stood in front.
"I want those slippers, I want those slippers!!!" the witch squealed as she reached forward once again to seize them;
"Aaaaarghhh!" she cried as sparks of electricity burned her hands. Unbeknownst to the Witch they were fitted with Duracell batteries for the longer-lasting footwear.
"Right!! That does it!!" she proclaimed, and reached for her Digital Egg Timer with LCD display.
"Pheeeeeeeooowwwwww, woooooooo" said R2 thinking he'd recognised an old friend from the Millennium Falcon.
"Obviously!!..." said the witch, "....as long as you’re alive, the slippers can't be touched. But when this egg-timer runs its course, you're going to die Amy Winehouse, you're going to die"
But then all of a sudden "Whooooossshhhh!!!
Zakk couldn't believe his eyes. The Witch was engulfed in a shower of water and fell to the floor, "Aaaahh, my make-up, my mascara, Aaaaghhh, Aaaaghhh!!!"
Pandemonium broke out in the room, the monkeys ran for cover and the guards woke up. Seizing their chance Zakk and Bob rushed through the door and grabbed Amy and R2 dragging them towards the secret doorway while the Witch's army was distracted. From under her black cloak came the anguished cries;
"I'M MELLLLTINNNNG , I'M MELLLLTINNNNG!!!!!!!!
But the only response to her dreadful wails came from above their heads.
- The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 6
The dreaded Wicked Witch of the West is confronted and finally cools off.