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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part One
The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part One
The first of an 8-part series.
The aftermath of the storm and a strange awakening in a foreign land.
In the screaming vortex of the tornado the house spins almost uncontrollably but yet remains in the frenzied grip of this murderous storm.
It was the fiercest to hit London in centuries and comes as a complete shock to the city populace. The BBC had got it wrong again.
Tiles fly as the roof is rent by the force of the wind and gather in a swarm, spinning like enraged hornets in the swirl. Walls crack, windows shatter, and mantle-piece ornaments fly around the rooms of the house.
All is now still, all is quiet and Amy rouses from her unconscious state to find her house in disarray. But thankfully it is barely held together after the horror of the tornado and she is still alive. She rises unsteadily to her feet and faintly mumbles to herself
"What a helluva party, wish I could remember it. I'm dying for a ciggie"
She rummages through her belongings which are all covered by a fine white powder. Suddenly she cries in panic and alarm.
"Would that be your dog then?" an enquiring voice speaks from the window. Amy gingerly walks over to the window but sees nothing.
"Down here!" the voice directs her. She bends over the sill and looks down upon a small man with pointed ears and a welcoming smile,
"Nice tatts!", he comments
"WHAT!" asks Amy taken aback,
"I said, I like your tattoos, very nice, very nice indeed" he smiled again,
"I like your ring too, where did you get it?"
"Never mind that!!" said Amy brusquely, "Where's my dog"
The little man gave her a reassuring look and said
"Oh! Don't worry, he's fine, we've taken care of him. Quarantine regulations. Hope you understand"
Amy was still groggy after the fall and even more confused,
"Where the Hell am I, and who are you?" she asked,
"I'm Bilbo Baggins", he replied "And this is Munchkinland"
"Munchieland??" said Amy,
"No, No, Munchkin!!" he repeated.
At this point more and more little people appeared from their hiding places surrounding the house. Amy blinks at the sight, rubs her head and asks;
"So! Are you in charge here then?"
"No, I'm a Hobbit actually", explained Bilbo "But I settled here a few years back. They've applied for EU membership so they had to liberalise their immigration policy you know"
"Aargh, Thaht be ryght, ahpart from them thar little orange-faced bahstarrds" said a man in a strange West Country accent, "Cammin' owwer 'ere, stealin' owr jabs an' sellin' cheap chaccalat in their carnar stores. They all look the bloody same ta me"
"What's he talking about?" asked Amy,
"Sorry", Bilbo apologised, "That's Albert Brandybuck. He's talking about the Oompa Loompas, we've had a lot of bother with them. We had to bring in restrictions, which didn't help our case with Brussels. He does tend to take his opinions a little too far. Albert! Come over here and meet ..... sorry, I didn't catch your name my darling"
"It's Amy, Amy Winehouse"
"Well Amy, pleased to meet you" said Bilbo smiling.
"May I introduce, Albert and his good wife Mary", he continued.
"Hello" said Mary shyly
"Aargh, allo to you" said Albert, "Larvvly set of tatts you gat there"
Mrs Brandybuck cracks him over the head with a bag of freshly picked parsnips.
"What were that afor??" he pleaded
"You know what that's afor!!" she fumed "Any mar o' that cheek an ah'll hit you
again with the waater bucket!!"
"I don't like this place" cried Amy, "I wanna go home, I wanna go back to
"Sorry luv, the last bus has gone" said a sympathetic Munchkin, "But there's
another one next month" he added helpfully,
"That's no good, I need to get home now, I've got a gig at the weekend. They'll
never believe all this if I don't turn up"
A horrible scream pierces the stillness of the afternoon, "Noooo!!!, Noooo!!! Look under the house, it's horrible!!" wailed a distraught munchkin lady.
A pair of feet, wearing red ruby slippers, protruded from underneath the wreckage of the house.
"I recognise those slippers" said Bilbo "That's the Wicked Witch of the East, I bought them for her at Xmas ......... She's dead!!"
"Oh my God!!, you've killed the Wicked Witch of the East, the witch is dead" cried an hysterical Munchkin.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Another piercing scream was heard to rise above the hubbub below.
"Christ!!, who is it this time?" moaned Bilbo.
A hideous and terrifying figure dressed from head to toe in black was flying above their heads, wailing and howling at the munchkin crowd below.
"It's the Wicked Witch of the West!!" one of them screamed. The crowd fled in terror.
"She's a bit green around the gills" Amy observed,
"She's probably been on the sauce again", Bilbo explained, "She'll be in a stinking mood and this won't help matters"
"I know the feeling" said Amy
"You killed my sister, you killed my sister!!" the Wicked Witch screamed. “She’s dead! She’s dead! Gone forever! Taken from me by cruel fate and a two-up, two-down. Vengeance! Vengeance!”
She quickly recovered her composure;
"Now gimme those ruby slippers, I'll be over at the house later to see what else there is in there"
She lands her broomstick next to the body and reaches down to grasp the slippers.
"Owww!!" she moans as a force in the slippers strikes her with a painful surge" "They're cursed, they're cursed!" She screams as she takes off.
"I'll get you Amy Winehouse, I'll get you!!!" roared the green-faced harridan, threatening with a vengeful foreboding before flying away in a cloud of smoke.
She was on 40-a-day.
"She's all talk that one" said Albert, "At least she's in the ryght jab ... Impassable woman"
"An you'll foind me damn near impassable tonight too, Mr Albert Brandybuck. when oy get you 'ome" promised Mary.
"She had a difficult childhood", said Bilbo "Her father was a very powerful and ruthless man"
"Can't imagine a witch having a childhood" said Amy
"Oh!, she was mortal once until the dark side of The Force took hold of her and turned her into this evil woman.” Bilbo continued."What was her name again?".
"Sharan Arzzbaarn!!" replied Albert
"I couldn't care less" Amy protested, "I wanna get back to Camden, I'm frightened here!!"
"Well, here!!, you take the slippers", offered a munchkin "They have magical powers and may help you in your quest to return from where you came"
"I dunno, they seem kinda dangerous" said Amy
"Oh!, Don't worry, they're quite safe, as long as you don't have sweaty feet" Bilbo reassured her, "I can take the fuse out while you put them on"
"Pheeeeeowwwwwww, Pheeeeeeowwwww, woooooooo oooooooo bee!!""Beeeeby beeeee boing wooeeeooooooo oooooeeeeeooooooo!!" "Pheeeeeeeeee pheeeeeeeeeee squonkkkkk!!!!"
"You're dustbin's making a noise", said Amy
"Oh! That's not a dustbin, that's R2D2, he's a robot, clever little chap but he
came over here to cure his inferiority complex. He's quite at home" explained
"Shhhhrrrooooopp Shhhhhrrrroooop bee beeby bee Pheeeeeowwwwwww, Pheeeeeeowwwww, boing wooooooooo oooooooooooo pheeeeeeee pheeeeeeeeeee squonkkkkk woooooooo oooooooo!!!!"
"What's he saying now?" asked Amy
"Aarghh! ees saying thaht the Wizaard of Arzz will get you 'ome" translated Albert.
"Great!!, where is he?" Amy enthused
"He lives in the Paradise City" said Bilbo
"Well, how do I get there then?" Asked Amy,
"Boinnng wooooooooo Pheeeeeeowwwww,Shhhhrrrooooopp,SShhhhhrrrroooop bee beeby bee Pheeeeeowwwwwww,oooooooooooo pheeeeeeee pheeeeeeeeeee squonkkkkk woooooooo oooooooo!!!!"
"Eee says 'Fallow the Yella Brick Road'
“You mean I've got to walk it!!" snapped Amy in disbelief, "How far is it?"
To this Bilbo replied, "We're not too sure to be honest, since none of us have been there. Only Frodo and Sam have been to the Paradise City",
"So where are they then?" she asked,
"Oh, they've gone on a hiking holiday again" said Bilbo, "They'll probably be gone for weeks. They go away quite often together, good lads, very close friends and extremely fond of each other"
"I'm touched" said Amy sarcastically, "Well? Is anyone going with me, I'm a stranger round here you know"
"Wooooooooo squonkkkkk Pheeeeeeowwwww, Shhhhrrrooooopp Boinnng, Shhhhhrrrroooop, woooooooo oooooooo bee beeby bee Pheeeeeowwwwwww,oooooooooooo pheeeeeee,pheeeeeeeeeee !!!!"
"Aarr Tooo said ee'd go with you" said Albert,
"Gimme a break, what do I want with a whistling vacuum cleaner?" Amy sneered.
"No no no!" protested Bilbo, "Believe me, he's very handy in a crisis, you'll find him really helpful"
"Yeah!, ee helped blow ap a whole planet wance" added Albert,
"You're not really helping much Albert" said Bilbo tersely. "No trust me Amy my love, he has a whole bag of tricks up his sleeve, he's even got SatNav"
"Is that not pretty pointless since we're following a friggin yellow road all the way. I mean, how many have you got?" Amy asked,
"Just the one, but it's been really useful, helps the drunks find their way home", explained Bilbo,"I really need you to trust me on this Amy"
"Well, OK!, don't think I've got many options anyway" she agreed. "I need a drink"
- The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings: Part 2
It is the following day and our heroine departs on her otherworldly adventure with her new sidekick. She little knows of what lies ahead.