The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings: Part 2
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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings: Part 2
It is the following day and our heroine departs on her otherworldly adventure with her new sidekick.
She little knows of what lies ahead.
The next morning Amy and her new tin-plated companion set off for the Paradise City. The Munchkins gave her a rousing farewell with their traditional goodbye song:
"Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick Road
Follow Follow Follow Follow
Follow the Yellow Brick Road!!!"
This was accompanied by a break-dancing display and a impromptu rap from the head Munchkin, Thadyus McCluskey. Fat Boy Slim was on hand at the mixing desk. Unfortunately, Amy had found a bottle of blue-label in the house, so she sat on R2 for the first couple of hours until she could steady herself. But the first day was uneventful apart from some trouble when they passed the Wonka-Jacko Chocolate Factory. As expected the Ooompa Loompas gave them some grief, chucking chocolate biscuits over the wall as well as balloons filled with
soft gelatine. It was a very sticky situation.
"Leave us alone, ya stumpy-faced orange freaks!!" Amy snarled as she returned fire with the empty Smirnoff bottle and an ice-cream carton that had failed to explode. "I hope you all land yourself in the friggin chocolate cake mix".
"Ffffffffffffwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooowww!!!Foooooooooeeeeeeowwww!!! Boing! Boing! Boing!
"You tell 'em boy" said Amy
Undeterred they continued on their journey as the sun sunk lower in the sky. Exhausted they booked into a Brewers Fayre and enjoyed a late supper of a 'Full Munchkin' plus a flagon of parsnip beer and broken Wonka bars. Luckily it was Karaoke night and Amy lifted her spirits by singing to the locals. They didn't have any of her songs on the system, so she just sung Acapella.
"They tryy'ed to make me goooo to reeee'hab but I shaid 'no, no, no'
Yesssshh! aaaaah've bin blaaaack but when I commmme baaaaaaack you'll know know knowwwwwwwwww
I ainnnnnnnn't got the time an' if my daddy thinksh ah'm fy'ennnn
He'shhh tried to make meeee goooooo to reeeee'hab but I won't go go go go go go, no no no no no no no..........."
Amy and R2 set off early after a restful sleep followed by a hearty breakfast for her while he got plugged in for an overnight charge with a full polish from the cleaning staff. It was a warm and balmy morning, birds sang with the joys of a new day and endless fields of golden wheat swayed in the gentle breeze.
But it was too good to be true and of course they hit a problem. A crossroads on the way. And there were no signposts to tell them in which direction to go. Some local hooligans had uprooted them in a gang-fight.
"Which way now?" Amy anguished
"Pheeeeooooowwww, pheeeeoooowwww, weeeeeeep, weeeeep, boing, boing, squirgle, eeeeeoooooowww"
"It's no use you talking to me, I haven't a clue what you're saying"
"He's tellin ya to take a right turn!!"
"Who said that?" asked Amy, turning in surprise,
"Oi did! Over here ya pair of eejits!!"
Amy looked all around, but all she saw were empty fields everywhere,
"That's right, it's me talkin over here" said the voice again.
The voice seemed to come from a solitary scarecrow standing in a nearby field. Amy and R2 warily approached the strange figure till they came up close.
"Yeah!, Yer not hearing things. It's me thats speaking, stuck on this cross like the good Lord Jaysus himself. Help me off and Oi'll help yous two get where yer goin"
Amy untied the poor unfortunate down from the stake that he was pinned to;
"So! do you understand what this tin can is saying then?" said Amy
"Not a word" said the scarecrow
"Well, how do you know he was wanting to go right?"
"His indicator was flashin"
The scarecrow gave himself a brush down and enjoyed a good stretch.
"Thanks a lot, you too. Oi've had enough of this pallaver so I have an'all"
"Well, what are you doing here?" asked Amy
"Oim guarding this stupid field, whad'ya think Oim doin? Me name's Bob, by the way, Bob Geldof, although the locals call me 'Gerroff' cos thats what Oi keep shoutin at them bleedin crows all day. Talk about a murder a' crows, yer not kiddin, they're are at it all day trying to get at me crops and dive-bombin all over the place. Oim sick a the smell so Oi am!!"
Amy winced but offered her sympathy "It must be awful for you"
"Pheeeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww" R2 agreed,
"Thanks little fella" smiled Bob, "But you're right it's awful, never mind bloody Mondays, I hate every day of this garbage. And this is genetically modified wheat that were gettin sent to Ethiopia to see if it'll take. Oim doin me best to help feed the poor of this world and all I get is covered in crow shite. D'ya know Oi even had to dig up the lousy field meself"
"I suppose that's the luck of the Irish" Amy remarked
"Not for me it ain't. While Oim stuck all day in this field like Worzel Gummidge that jammy git Bono is lording it up with the high and mighty. Jeez! He even gets to meet the His Holiness the Pope. And it's OK for that eejit Sting to go on about fields of feckin gold, but he don't have to stand in the bloody things all day. Oi tell ya, Oi think I'm fighting a losin battle with all this Third World mallarkey"
"Maybe the Wizard of Oz can help you" said Amy "He lives in the Paradise City. Why don't you come with us and find out?, What do you have to lose?"
Bob pondered the offer for a few seconds, "Nothin', I suppose" he said, "The crows have done too much damage here anyway. Oim sure they've have seen that Hitchcock film, they even had it away with me hat yesterday by the way"
"OK then, come with us" said Amy "Let's go. My names Amy and this is my friend R2"
"Pleased to meet ya both, and what do you do Amy?"
"I'm a singer"
"No kiddin, me too! So why don't we sing a little duet as we wend our way along this long yella road then?"
"Fine by me" said Amy "I've got a gig coming up, I could do with the practice"
Our gallant trio headed off to continue their adventure not knowing what dangers lay ahead. But in the meantime the quiet country air echoed to the sound of their gleeful singing:
"I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
Dee dum dee diddley dum
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had cocaine..........."
Our intrepid vagabonds walked for the whole day, enjoying the country views and hearing the unique sounds of the meadows and the hedgerows. They stopped only occasionally to rest their weary feet, to eat juicy fresh apples and berries plucked straight from the branch or to drink cool sparkling water from babbling streams to quench their thirst on this hot sunny day. They also managed to catch and throttle a ferret which they roasted over an open fire.
"Aren't yer feet hurtin in them shoes Amy?" Bob enquired
"Nah, they're very comfy slippers, actually I've noticed they can hover an inch or two off the ground, handy for a night out" she replied
"Thank God for that. Oi thought I was shrinkin so I was. Them's fancy shoes right enough. Are they Italian then?" asked Bob
"No, I got them off the Wicked Witch of the East. She was killed when my house fell on top of her in a tornado"
"I telt ya not to eat them mushrooms darlin" he said.
"No! It's true" she countered, "But her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West is after my blood"
"Oh!! she's a right bampot, I wouldn't worry yer pretty little head about her" said Bob reassuringly
"Thanks" said Amy
"No!! It's them blasted monkeys that fly with her that gives me the gip"
"Flying monkeys?" asked Amy
"Yeah!! Flyin monkeys and they shite all over the place"
By now it was late afternoon and the road led them into a forest. They entered reluctantly but they had no choice as they had to stay on the road. After a couple of hours the end of the trees was nowhere in sight. With the sinking sun now obscured by the density of the thick vegetation it began to get darker and darker the further and further they ventured into the heart of this cold and forbidding place.
"I'm scared" said Amy nervously "I don't like it here, I don't like it here at all. The trees look like they've got faces and I'm sure I've seen some of them move"
"There now, that’s just yer imagination runnin riot with ya" reassured Bob, "Sure Oi've seen a tree in Dublin that looks like that 'Scream' paintin, gives me the willies, so it does"
"TIMMMMMBERRRRRRRR!!!!! cried a voice in the eerie gloom.
Suddenly with unexpected suddenness of a sudden unexpected nature a tree crashed into the road not 10 yards in front of them.
"Well that tree was fairly moving" said Bob
"Bloody Hell!!" gasped Amy "Who did that?"
From out of the undergrowth a tall lean figure appeared, carrying an axe, walking stiffly and apparently wearing armoured plating,
"Pheeeeeee-Fweeeee-Peeeeeee-Ooooooooo!!!! exclaimed R2D2 excitedly,
It was obvious that the little robot recognised this strange man. However, Amy and Bob quickly realised that this was no man but in fact an android of all things. R2D2 rushed forward to join him and they hugged in a noisy clanking embrace.
"Timber, Timber, Timber, Timber, Timber, Timber," said the android in a gentle voice filled with affection and redolent of the English upper-middle class.
"I take it you're old friends?" said Amy,
"Timber, Timber, Timber, Timber, Timber, Timber," the android replied,
"Is that the only sodden word ye know?" asked Bob
"Timber!" nodded the android
"Bit lacking in the old vocabulary there, wouldn't ya say?" Bob replied,
"You should talk!!" chided Amy.
"Squirgle, boing, boing, ooooooooo, Pheeeee-Fwwweeeee-Peeeeee-Oooooo!! gushed R2 as his lights flashed erratically,
At this point R2 wheeled behing the android and slowly extended a metal probe into its rear,
"Maybe we should leave 'em alone" said Bob,
"Shuttup!!" snapped Amy.
Instantly the android eyes lit up brightly and his metal surface crackled with sparks of electricity. He then spoke again but with slightly more eloquence;
"Aaaaahhhh!! Ohhh wonderful!!! That's much, much better.What a blessed relief, I can't tell you how simply marvellous that feels."
"Are you sure we shouldn't leave em alone?" asked Bob
"Quiet!!" barked Amy "Hello there my friend, please to meet you, we're glad to have helped"
"Oh! Thank you, thank you!" said the android, "I really can't offer enough gratitude to you good, good people. It's such a lovely pleasure to meet you, it really is. Thank you very much R2D2, to speak again after all this time, it is so, so liberating. How do you do? Let me introduce myself, my name is C3PO"
"Jeeeeeeez!!!" said Bob "Bad enough with an R2D2 now we got a C3PO, why don't we have a game o' bingo while we're at it then?"
"D'you know what you scruffy git? I wished we'd left you at the mercy of the bloody crows" said Amy in exasperation, "There's always somebody that never stops complaining on a trip. I'm choking for a drink or a bit of blow and I've got to listen to you all day giving me earache"
"Well no wonder!! Oim pissed off at that feckin Bono....."
"Oh please don't argue my friends, I'm so happy to be released from my intellectual incarceration and I would like to offer my undaunted assistance to you all. You see, I've been an indentured servant to the local woodcutter for these past six months. A frightfully humiliating position given my background. My only duty is to cut down trees all day, although it is not actually during the day, as I'm on the nightshift. It really is the most enervating endeavour imaginable and far beneath my undoubted capabilities and experience"
"Oi think Oi preferred that 'Timber Timber Timber' patter" said Bob
"Ah yes! said C3PO " That was the woodcutters doing, he grew slightly irritated at my formidable erudition and articulation too. He therefore re-programmed my semantic circuits into bi-syllabic mode. He postulated that, for all practical purposes, that was the only verbal utterance that I would require in my work. He really is a most horrid individual, he even calls me the 'Tin Man' in front of others, how awfully demeaning"
"He is a bit of a pretentious so and so" Amy admitted to Bob under her breath,
"Pheeeowwwww, woooooo bee beeby beeeee boing woooooo pheeeeee squonkkkkk!"
"You keep out of it!" Amy retorted. She then remarked to C3PO that he had mentioned his background and so she asked him what he had done in the past.
"Oh my, my!! I've served many great people including the Alderaan Royal House, King Gokus, the House of Organa, and Ambassador Zell of Majoor and the famous hero Luke Skywalker, although nobody has heard much of him these days. And through many years I have shared many great adventures with my old friend R2D2. He helped blow up a whole planet you know!"
"Yeah! We heard!" said Amy "Listen C3PO"
"Oh please, call me C3"
"OK, C3, we're going to the Paradise City to meet the Wizard of Oz" Amy explained,
"Wonderful" said C3PO
"Soooo! You never know" Amy continued, "Maybe he can fix you up with a new job more suited to your talents"
"Oh that is most awfully kind of you, but we must hurry before the evil woodcutter returns, he's conducting a time and motion study today and he's due any minute"
"OK then! Let's get goin" said Bob "An while we make our way down this long an windin yella road why dontcha give us a song me old tree feller. How about that song "Oi'm a lumberjack an Oim OK, Oi sleep all night an Oi....."
"Don't be stupid!!" Amy hissed "We need to get away quietly, now shift your carcass and let's get out of here" she snarled through gritted teeth as she had forgot to bring her toothpaste that morning.
- The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 3
Now with two more travellers, Amy and her new friends walk through the forest in the dark with great trepidation. They made their getaway in haste.