The Lamest Comic Book Characters

The world loves a good comic book, or at least one that could be turned into a relatively successful movie such as Spider-man, Hellboy, and of course the X-men. These heroes hole a place near and dear to our strange little hearts. While the X-men are thrilling and no one can question the anticipation for The Green Lantern film there are some characters over the course of comic book history we would just as assume to forget. I am not talking the ones who were actually a part of the story yet still mildly annoying, you know Robin from Batman or of course the silly pets of super heroes. Does Superman really need a super dog. Seems redundant.

In this little text I am going to discuss a few really bad comic ideas that should have stayed hidden in the backs of comic geniuses who did not get enough sleep.

 I wanted to look at my vast comic collection and review some of the worse characters to ever grace the pages of such classics like Spider-man, Superman and my personal fave Batman. The sad part is there were so many in my mind I really had difficulty getting a list I could stand behind. The result is this list, in no particular order.

 My first reaction was what the hell, Oprah is now a white super child!!! Nah really this is one of the lamest excuses for a comic character, ever! The Legion of Super Heroes really sunk low to recruit this wonder of modern eating disorders. Matter Eater Lad's power was simply that he could eat anything. I think a better term would have been "Gonna Clog Up The Toilet Lad". Or maybe "Farts Cosmos Lad" In all honesty I can't fathom how a writer could have felt successful with this one. Maybe the great writers of the day skipped work in hopes of taking a breather but the little "touched" delivery boy at the office went pen crazy and as a result we get this horrid excuse for a super... well I don't even know what to call it.

Matter Eater Lad was as memorable as a headache after a rock concert. He had the curb appeal of, well a curb. Not a nice clean curb but one of those ones in the ghetto were you might even find a dead body if you look hard enough. As far as stopping crime could you imagine? "Stop thief, before I come over there and eat you!" Suddenly the Legion of Super Heroes is getting court orders against young Matter Eater Lad for sexual harassment. Sadly they had to let him go. I hear he has a lucrative career in the adult film industry.

 Yeah I said it, a guy who has mechanical stilts that let him grow taller. We all know this is a joke. A white guy would never use these for crime. This would be marketed to young basketball players as a way to level the playing field. Just playing but really a guy on stilts?

The sad part is Stiltman had no real power, he just had stilts. I would like to think if he would have just adorned the Uncle Sam costume and went to a few parades he would still be employed today. The life of crime called his name, actually it spoke it with all the shame of a parent whose kid still draws stick figure family portraits even though they are a junior in high school.

I wish I could retell one of the classic Stiltman battles but sadly it just isn't going to happen.

Did the guys who created megaman come up with this/ Honestly, Batman who fights the Joker, Two-Face, and of course the Catwoman would never recover after combating the likes of Kiteman. He parades the night skies in a neon green jumper looking like the idiot with the parachute from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and all the while he wants to be a serious criminal mind. Hell, he is hardly a serious blur in the scope of reality.

I can imagine his battle cry of "let's go fly a kite, up to the highest height". Sadly I think Mary Poppins can take this guy, and to beat all she probably wouldn't even mess up her hair. I am sure Batman was relieved when the commissioner called saying "Batman, Kiteman is back" Batman would reply, no biggie I will get Robin or Alfred right on it!" I mean I am not really sure if this was a villain or a crude attempt at humor in a very dark comic book world. Either way trying to forget Kiteman has made up the bulk of my existence.

Granted after such amazing bad guys as Dr. Doom, and Galactus how do you come up with a bad guy that strikes fear in the Fantastic Four. You make him fat, half blind, and a subterranean menace to everything. Mole Man was as intimidating as a super villain could be. He basically served no other reason than to irritate readers of The Fantastic Four.

I can honestly say I felt the Underminer from the Pixar film The Incredibles is way more frightening than this pudgy waste of a character spot. The Fantastic Four have always had to fight some strange thugs. Klaw, a horde of aliens, and of course the growing attitude of the Human Torch himself, but Mole Man just seemed like something you would not call in a super team at all for. You would simply lay out a mole stake and than wait for the little turd to swerve left instead of right and then no more mole troubles in your garden!