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The Very Real and Totally NOT FAKE End of the World

Updated on April 7, 2013
V838 Monocerotis
V838 Monocerotis | Source

Greetings once again.

I wrote this over the course of six days in my concealed bunker hidden away in the wasteland somewhere between California and North Carolina. I cannot reveal the exact location as it would compromise my own security, because I am quite sure the Mount Vernon police force are still upset about me chopping down their signal tower to prevent the radio waves from controlling my mind. I've said too much. NOTE TO SELF: remove this paragraph from final copy.

Originally this letter was about six hundred and fifty pages. Because I needed to distribute this message to the world, and I was running low on electronic paper, I decided to sacrifice the GENIUS in my writings for something the unwashed public can more easily digest. I regret such a move as I doubt you will be able to comprehend my writing in even this dumbed-down version for the STUPID sheep.

It is rare that I would open my prized writings, my manifesto if you may, to the world. However, I come to you bearing a message of a matter that is of grave importance. I mean to speak of the end of the world. Judgment Day. Doomsday! DOOM DOOM DOOM! ... sorry I get a little excited sometimes.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that many of you pathetic little-brains think that the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012. If you happen to be reading this after December 21, and the world is still intact, then you realize how foolish you were for believing such tripe. Quetzalcoatl is fairy tale, and the Mayan calendar is littered with mathematical errors. A nuclear holocaust is improbable, despite reports of the contrary. Nibiru or Planet X does exist, but by my calculations it won't occupy the same space as Earth for another 46 thousand years. These predictors of the upcoming cataclysm are pure fantasy.

I bring to you the truth about the end of the world. I learned this from my pure energy extraterrestrial contacts from the outskirts of the Triangulum galaxy, which is about 3 million light years away for you shallow-minded dunderheads. They live on the planet "Xaxeron", which is not its real name, because it's an anagram for "Axon Rex", which is a code word for a group of thirteen alien sympathizers in Sumner, Texas. Don't bother trying to look up these people, because they're very good at hiding.

I have been informed that I should prepare, because the coming cataclysm is nearing very close. There will be an alien invasion with space ships, and laser beams, and energy torpedoes. The aliens will come in giant dodecahedrons that are somehow bigger on the inside than on the outside. They have advanced cloaking technology, so the alien attack will look like a shower of brimstone from an erupting volcano inside a hurricane over a planet-sized fault line. At the same time there will be a massive number of chinchillas falling from the sky all over the world. Each one will be infected with rabies, causing a pandemic of epic proportions since "The Greasening", where ancient aliens flooded the world with billions of gallons of bacon grease in an effort to poison our reptilian ancestors and grow humans out of the ground.

Don't worry about me. I have enough provisions to last me a good twenty years after the other humans are wiped off the face of the earth. Then I'll join my alien brothers in the stars.

Oh I suppose I should tell you when the big terrible thing happens. I've cross-checked the data I received from the Axon Rex group with the voices in my head so I know the numbers are correct, and the projected date the world will end is February 36th, 2014.

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    • johndnathan profile image
      Author

      John D Nathan 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas. USA

      Thank you for reading, Pool Of Thoughts!

      I don't have ambitions of conquering the world. Much to complicated and messy! I would like a little piece of it to carve out if I may.

    • Pool Of Thoughts profile image

      David Steffy 4 years ago from Southern Ohio

      LOL, Oh man. You remind me of my younger brother so much. He has a brilliant mind (could probably conquer the world), and a great sense of humor but as far as I know he is still just a security guard in Arizona. I will definitely be passing along your link to him . Voted up, up and away, Interesting, Funny, Useful, and Awesome!

    • johndnathan profile image
      Author

      John D Nathan 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas. USA

      Oh no! No one informed me that the Galactic Command had an Earth liaison with a portable multidimensional energy emitter! I must inform home base, but there is such a distance across galaxies that I cannot contact them in time... wait a minute. Now where did I leave that interstellar wormhole transceiver?

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      MizBejabbers 4 years ago

      Well, if the Xaxerons come, I will flood them with 12th Dimensional energies and call in the Galactic Command to take care of them. I have a direct line to them, you know. I am going to come back and reread this hub on Dec. 22nd and laugh again. Voted you up, interesting, and funny!

    • johndnathan profile image
      Author

      John D Nathan 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas. USA

      Thank you for reading Christopheranton!

      I go to a theatre group production every week called "Open Stage", and since they weren't sure if the world was going to end of Friday they decided to do their holiday show early and put on the best performance ever.

      Nothing like going out with a bang!

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      So that's one less thing to worry about this week then. Not that I ever was worried.

    • johndnathan profile image
      Author

      John D Nathan 4 years ago from Dallas, Texas. USA

      Thank you for reading, dreamseeker2!

      I do have some times where I go into "manifesto mode" when writing, and just spurt out the silliest stuff I can think of.

    • profile image

      dreamseeker2 4 years ago

      I have to say, this one was funny. No one truly knows when the world will come to an end, even those who believe it is this month on the 21st. The world ends for some everyday, sad to say. It is not what one should worry about anyway. We should live in the moment making the best of our lives. Not dwelling on 'what might happen' or 'what if'. : ) Cute spin on the topic though. Voted up and funny!