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The Very Real and Totally NOT FAKE End of the World
Greetings once again.
I wrote this over the course of six days in my concealed bunker hidden away in the wasteland somewhere between California and North Carolina. I cannot reveal the exact location as it would compromise my own security, because I am quite sure the Mount Vernon police force are still upset about me chopping down their signal tower to prevent the radio waves from controlling my mind. I've said too much. NOTE TO SELF: remove this paragraph from final copy.
Originally this letter was about six hundred and fifty pages. Because I needed to distribute this message to the world, and I was running low on electronic paper, I decided to sacrifice the GENIUS in my writings for something the unwashed public can more easily digest. I regret such a move as I doubt you will be able to comprehend my writing in even this dumbed-down version for the STUPID sheep.
It is rare that I would open my prized writings, my manifesto if you may, to the world. However, I come to you bearing a message of a matter that is of grave importance. I mean to speak of the end of the world. Judgment Day. Doomsday! DOOM DOOM DOOM! ... sorry I get a little excited sometimes.
Anyway, it has come to my attention that many of you pathetic little-brains think that the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012. If you happen to be reading this after December 21, and the world is still intact, then you realize how foolish you were for believing such tripe. Quetzalcoatl is fairy tale, and the Mayan calendar is littered with mathematical errors. A nuclear holocaust is improbable, despite reports of the contrary. Nibiru or Planet X does exist, but by my calculations it won't occupy the same space as Earth for another 46 thousand years. These predictors of the upcoming cataclysm are pure fantasy.
I bring to you the truth about the end of the world. I learned this from my pure energy extraterrestrial contacts from the outskirts of the Triangulum galaxy, which is about 3 million light years away for you shallow-minded dunderheads. They live on the planet "Xaxeron", which is not its real name, because it's an anagram for "Axon Rex", which is a code word for a group of thirteen alien sympathizers in Sumner, Texas. Don't bother trying to look up these people, because they're very good at hiding.
I have been informed that I should prepare, because the coming cataclysm is nearing very close. There will be an alien invasion with space ships, and laser beams, and energy torpedoes. The aliens will come in giant dodecahedrons that are somehow bigger on the inside than on the outside. They have advanced cloaking technology, so the alien attack will look like a shower of brimstone from an erupting volcano inside a hurricane over a planet-sized fault line. At the same time there will be a massive number of chinchillas falling from the sky all over the world. Each one will be infected with rabies, causing a pandemic of epic proportions since "The Greasening", where ancient aliens flooded the world with billions of gallons of bacon grease in an effort to poison our reptilian ancestors and grow humans out of the ground.
Don't worry about me. I have enough provisions to last me a good twenty years after the other humans are wiped off the face of the earth. Then I'll join my alien brothers in the stars.
Oh I suppose I should tell you when the big terrible thing happens. I've cross-checked the data I received from the Axon Rex group with the voices in my head so I know the numbers are correct, and the projected date the world will end is February 36th, 2014.
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