This Lady is a Tramp!

Be tactful and polite dear - sit up straight with shoulders back,

Control that naughty urge to pun - lay off sarcastic cracks!

If I could keep my mouth shut, smile pretty - bite my tongue,

On that dumb-ass social ladder - I might just climb a rung!

Don't pick your teeth in public, the same goes for the nose,

It's not about ones comfort - it's how well one strikes a pose!

Don't speak of things like politics, religion - or of sex!

Feign interest in the most mundane - don't interrupt or text!

Laugh discreetly is the rule - don't snort, guffaw, or squeal!

Always act the lady - well-mannered and genteel.

We wouldn't want to shock, the stuffy and pretentious,

They'd label us as troublesome, ill-mannered - and contentious!

My very best behavior - would annoy Miss Emily Post,

A truth I need not ponder - as one can't offend a ghost!

Being demure and ladylike - means I'd never lose a friend,

Speaking plainly to the crux - rarely helps a girl to blend!

It's not that I'm oblivious - to these high falootin' ways,

Yet whenever I attempt them - my eyes begin to glaze!

I came up on the wrong side - left with nothing far too young,

Missed the part that taught that it's best to hold your tongue!

Filters are for oil changes - only windows need a screen!

Rough around the edges - Shan't be lunching with the Queen.

Passing gas is frowned upon - just soldier through that cramp,

I've naught achieved such self-control - This Lady is a Tramp!