- Books, Literature, and Writing»
- Commercial & Creative Writing»
- Creative Writing
Top 10 reasons for women not to stay in bed
As explained in my previously published Top 10 reasons for men not to stay in bed, men have plenty of reasons to abandon their covers early. It may be clear however that women have a wide variety of reasons of their own. See below…
10. Sunday sale
As a woman, it would be foolish to stay in bed on a Sunday while there is a Sunday sale going on. After all, the cupboard downstairs next to the front door only harbors 86 pair of shoes, hence making an awfully empty impression. Therefore, it’s time to get dressed quickly and hurry to the store, since even with all the discounts they may give, getting decent footwear usually is still a ridiculously expensive thing to do.
9. Bad hair day
It’s around 6 in the morning. While you’re still half asleep, you stumble to the bathroom. Your eyes squeeze tight the moment you turn the light on. Completely on the automatic pilot, you sit down on the porcelain throne and do what you have to do. Afterwards, you wash your hands and look in the mirror. All of a sudden, you’re entirely awake, since it looks like some high speed train raced straight through your hair after which farmer Billy Bob finished the job with his tractor. No more time for sleep, there is some urgently needed self-restoration to be done.
8. Jewelry party
The first few sunbeams wrestle themselves through the window. They wake you up and enable you to notice the horrible mess in your bedroom. A brief moment later, you realize that the chaos isn’t limited to your bedroom alone; your entire home looks like it had been struck by some nuclear weapon. But why is it, that this situation concerns you way more than it usually would? Suddenly, you remember. For today, you invited the second cousin of your colleague’s aunt’s son and some other girlfriends for a jewelry party. Surely you have some cleaning up to do.
7. As to prevent gossiping about yourself
As an extension of reason 8, said second cousin of your colleague’s aunt’s son unfortunately has a rather nasty hobby she is very passionate about: gossiping. So what if you’re still not dressed and without any make-up once she and the rest of your girlfriends show up? You will be toast, doomed to receive weird looks while you’re walking down your street while strange, creepy men will knock on your door at night and ask your for ‘favors’ which, so they have heard, you’re more than willing to grant them…
6. Your phone is ringing
You didn’t bring your cell phone to your bedroom the night before on purpose so you could sleep in this morning. Yet, even from the living room, the obnoxious device is apparently capable of informing you that there is someone who wishes to talk to you. Not a problem; just let it ring. Although… What if someone wants to inform you that one of your parents is dying? Or something that’s really, really urgent, like a desperate girlfriend who is having a meltdown since she doesn’t know what to wear today?
5. Time of the month
Darn, that mattress cover was white instead of red when you bought it. Despite all your hard efforts to calculate when you will be allowed to eat unlimited chocolate and b*tch at everything that’s male, your body decided to mess up your planning and start the festivities a day early. Oh well. Just grab a shower and embrace the fact that you won’t have to wait another day.
4. Your sexy neighbor is going to mow the grass
A humming sound suddenly reaches your ears while you’re still in bed. It wakes you up immediately, since that can only mean one thing: your hot neighbor is going to mow his grass! Time to hurry to your yard and watch his muscles shine in the sunlight after he takes off his shirt. By the way, perhaps it’s an idea to sit in the yard topless? After all, it’s always such a cute thing to watch him ride his lawn mower into his pond when he sees you like that…
3. If you don't get up, he won't either
Judging by his snoring and drooling on the pillow, that bloke next to you is still somewhere in the Land of Dreams. That doesn’t come to you as a surprise, considered what all you did to him last night. There is a disadvantage though; he won’t get out of bed unless you will first. And since you don’t have time to stay in bed all day long anyways, you may as well get up and leave the highly annoying snoring behind you.
2. Children are notorious for asking direct questions
Children are extremely notorious for asking very direct questions and they won’t leave you alone until you have given them a satisfying answer. It’s just the way their inquisitive nature is. That being said there is only one way to prevent yourself from having to answer difficult questions like ‘mommy, where is daddy and what is that strange man doing in our house?’: get up before your kids do and ensure that there are no people in your house they don’t know.
1. No contraceptives used the night before
It had been a wonderful evening and you enjoyed yourself thoroughly. Although, that was during the evening itself and particularly after drinking several cocktails after which you started not to make sense anymore. However, when you woke up with your head pounding the next morning and you noticed that the guy next to you resembled a homeless guy, your joy dissipated quickly. And now, your female intuition is telling you that there is something really, really wrong. Panicked, you try to relive the evening you have had and to your horror, you realize that you never used any contraceptives. There is no time to lose; rush to the pharmacy and get that morning-after pill!
© 2015 Victor Brenntice