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Top Ten Reasons For Not Having A Cat...
10. Jealousy. Thou shalt at all times adore the cat, even if said cat is ignoring you. Anything that is not the cat, and you have any affection for, can be destroyed with impunity.
9. Aroma. Usually the cat does not smell, though tuna breath can be a little off-putting. The villain of the piece is the litter box, unless you empty it every ten minutes (which only encourages the cat to use it again) it has a smell that grabs you by the throat and makes you cry.
8 Shedding. Not only are your things immediately covered in cat hair, if you ever try to walk barefoot in your own home, be prepared to tread on a recently coughed up, still wet, hair ball.
7 Property Rights. You have none. You are permitted to live in the cat’s home subject to certain conditions. Adoration, food, adoration, water, adoration, and playthings, all of which must be available at all times day and night. You never own a cat; it deigns to be around you.
6 Digestion. The cat will like to eat what ever it likes. It is usually the one thing you do not have. Failure to guess exactly what the cat wants to eat at that time will be punished by the cat developing a mystery gastric thing that will cost you your vacation money. (You were thinking of leaving her at home…I don’t think so!) Things that are caught outside, but not fully digestible, may be left as gifts for you. You like a nice bit of half-a-mouse in the morning don’t you?
5 Expense. Replacing your furniture every two years certainly adds to the cost of ownership, but the cans of the cat’s favorite cat food that she will no longer eat, as well as the toys she will not play with all add up to a considerable sum. And that’s before the visit to the vets for the mystery gastric thing…
4 Food. The cat has the right to reject the expensive can of cat food, showing her utter disdain by licking her butt right in front of you, as if to say, “Yeah that canned stuff tastes worse than this.” Mice and birds are, however, delicious, even if you can’t always eat a whole one. Put mouse and bird in a can and it will be rejected. Finicky is just a negative way of saying highly selective.
3 Drink. Leave every faucet running a little just in case the cat wants to drink, and or have a Zen moment watching it for an hour or so. Cream is to be provided on demand. (Communicable by ESP)
2 Licking. The cat has the right to lick it’s butt as and when it pleases. Licking your face is optional, it is not love, the cat just needs the salt. Licking it’s fur is a daily ritual that is best done in the most inconvenient place (for you) for at least an hour or two each day.
1 Intelligence. The cat laughs at your IQ. It is far smarter than you and once it has figured out how to control you, is off to control the universe. There is however an intelligence off-switch that kicks in the evening. For no discernable reason, the cat will chase an invisible ghost on speed, with an intensity that is scary, for about ten minutes. You are to ignore this aberration.
And this weeks bonus offering, the extra ten percent…
Aloofness. You remember that girl, the one who thought she was all that and then some? Never actually spoke to you, but somehow made you feel completely inadequate, yes her. You just bought her home in feline form for the next twelve or so years…
Dear Hub Reader
If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,
Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,
A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life. Available directly from: