Top Ten Reasons For Not Having A Guy As A Pet…

Following my guide to dogs:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-Ten-Reasons-To-Not-Get-A-Dog

and cats:

http://hubpages.com/hub/Top-Ten-Reasons-For-Not-Having-A-Cat

I have used the same categories to describe the XY gene group…

10. Jealousy.

Men have no problem with jealousy. If you are jealous of attention paid to him, it is your problem. If he is jealous of attention paid to you, it is also your problem. 

9. Aroma.  

A) Men believe that their body aromas are an aphrodisiac. This aphrodisiac is so powerful it removes the need for foreplay. (The ‘dinner and a movie,’ or ‘wine and roses’ route, is trumped by letting one rip under the covers and sharing.)

B) Men use aroma for laundry purposes, by sniffing their clothes, they can tell whether it is still in the aphrodisiac stage, or totally rank and needs laundered. “Laundry” is indicated by the item moving closer to the laundry basket than it was yesterday.

8. Shedding.

Not as much hair shedding as our canine and feline friends, but there will always be some of it lurking about unappetizingly. Hair in your sink, the shower and the bathtub are a given, but it’s the pubic ones on the yellow crusted porcelain, that have the greatest gag factor. Men do, however, shed clothes. Seeing as they always seem to wear the same stuff, it is remarkable how much is left lying around for the tidy fairies to pick up.

7. Property Rights.

Guys have stuff. Girls have junk. Stuff is not to be touched. Junk is to be moved out of the way. Good junk is “ours” until it can be claimed as stuff. Why the divorce courts have not recognized this, is a mystery.  (Kids are her junk, except when playing little league, which is guy stuff, duh…)

6. Digestion.

A topic of great importance.

The male digestive system gives regular reports on its operating status. Belches signify that all is working well, and is also a way of saying thank you to the cook. (You see, he does compliment you…) Farting is an olfactory announcement that the system is fully functioning, the comments that are attached, a clue (the only clue?) to the mood and demeanor of the fartee. Thus, laughing and exuberant statements of “what died?” mean he is happy. Be careful, sex may follow.

5. Expense.

Played with care, your guy could be inexpensive, however, as they tell women on a regular basis, men have needs. These include a dirt bike, a toy hauler, a SeaDoo, and a car or truck that will make him attractive to the ladies.

Money spent by guys is necessary.

Money spent by women is wasted. 

4. Food.

Guys are not generally fussy about food. Quality is trumped by quantity, and all food is seen as simply the raw material to keep the digestive system in good order. Any combination of meat and cheese is a winner.

Salad is seen as a personal insult (yeah, you just called him fat…).

Vegetables are only good for creating good farts, so the brussel sprout is king. Unless you are a chef, guys do not cook food. Guys eat food. Guys can put anything between two pieces of, or on, bread and call it a meal. Pizza is the ultimate guy food, nutrition, utensils, and plate, in one. (The dregs left in the box are to feed the tidy fairies.)

3. Drink.

Means beer.

Beer is an excellent guy beverage, it produces quality belches and farts, and after enough of it, attractive women to go to bed and smother under the bedclothes.

Guys can drink beer at any time of the day, and always have room for just one more. It is enjoyed so much, that the guy will eat and drink other things to make him thirsty (shots of whatever and pretzels…).

2. Licking.

OK, this made more sense with the cats and the dogs, but guys do lick. It is what you women call washing up.

1. Intelligence. 

Guys are more intelligent than women. 

Well, in their own minds. 

There is absolutely no empirical data to prove that they are smarter, but guys trust their gut, the second most important organ, and their gut, though smelly beyond belief, is rarely wrong. 

Unless it is, which would somehow be your fault.

Guys don’t have time for remembering, their brain cells are fully occupied in the storage of sports statistics, lines from movies, and obscure lyrics to songs. If they need anything that requires intelligence, they will have a buddy who knows the answer.

And this week’s bonus offering, the extra ten percent…

Simplicity.

Guys are simple creatures. They evolved from Labrador dogs that liked beer. Easily confused, (Try standing in front of him naked, a beer in one hand, pizza in the other, and watch the internal mental battle commence…)

They are blessed with unassailable confidence and the unshakable belief that being a guy is the best thing ever.

Unless you really need one, can I suggest a non-beer drinking Labrador instead…

If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris