Why Having a Romantic Relationship with a Zombie Won't Work

It won’t work… ever.

You think that small bite taken out of your girlfriend’s arm is going to get better. Then after a few hours she starts getting a fever and the wound goes all gooey and you wonder whether she’s going to turn into one of the undead. When and if she does, you should realize that your relationship with her is over.

Before I go on, you should realize that part of me is just a hopeless romantic. I believe that true love exists. When you find that certain someone, you need to stay with them until death do you part. While I’m certain that when the original marriage vows were written, the authors didn’t have zombies in mind. However, the philosophy of a mixed marriage such as a zombie/human pairing still holds true to those vows.

Human beings go together with zombies like chalk and cheese. One is a living breathing thing that ages well and the other is made up of things that used to be living and now do nothing more than make an outline around the recently deceased.

Still, zombies can be like cheese in the sense that if you leave one out in the open long enough they will go green and stink to high heaven. Rarely though, will you find a piece of cheese that will bite you and make you reanimate a day later.

There is a disturbing trend lately that falls somewhere into the brains of Stephanie Meyers fans where impossible things happen. In the Stephanie Meyers vampire-verse, she has conceived of a possibility of a vampire impregnating a human host. Somehow this makes prepubescent teenage girls squeal with delight. In their wildest nonsense fed fantasies they can envision a world where it’s possible to share their naughty bits with one of the undead and procreating a semi-vampiric child where mitosis can somehow work.

I have a feeling that this has led to the birthing of such movies as Warm Bodies. A zombie, who is going through his undead existence – which is essentially wandering around and eating people – finds that true love can bring his dormant heart back to life and reverse the process.

Such thoughts, while whimsical in a comedic setting, give sci-fi, horror, and fantasy fans facial ticks and they mentally sort stories like this with The Fifth Element.

For those of us who are up to dismissing such drivel, let’s look at all of the logistical problems with zombie love.

Necromancers are just not right in the head.

I will not even pretend to know what could go through the mind of a person wanting a relationship with a zombie. While stories like the Bela Lugosi White Zombie movie show the physical possibility of someone loving another under a Voodoo curse, this type of pseudo zombie-ism is not the organism I speak of.

After all, when we look at a Voodoo zombie, we have to realize that for the most part, the person is still living and their biological processes are still functioning. The person is not going through any kind of decomposition and respiration is happening through the person’s mouth. Let’s also remember that they still have a warm body as well.

I mention this because making love to one of the living dead is… Ewww!!! Even if you should find a way to get them to stop biting you, there’s that stench and the probability of things, well… falling off. Putting what I have made up my mind to be my second or third favorite organ into what is the equivalent of cold rotting meat that contains just more than a little bit of contagion is just repulsive.

But I hear you Stephanie Meyer fans in the back row screaming, “But it’s love!”

I think of the love I have for my wife and I also know that if she had turned into one of the things that have been cursed to wander the Earth looking for living flesh until their bodies disintegrate, I would do the proper thing and send her into the next world before her body does anything else.

And we have to remember that – the mind is gone. The only part of that brain that is functioning is the reptile brain stem. The biological functions have stopped and anything that was your loved one has stopped existing the moment it became a zombie.

What you actually are doing is romancing a rotting piece of automated filth that has a passing resemblance to someone you used to love. The thing that you are looking to love only has one thing on its dead little brain – eating you. Remember that as it snaps its teeth near your nose.

I love my wife because she's a beautiful, smart, loving woman who’s a great conversationalist and can make vegan food like nobody’s business. If she became a zombie, her end of the conversation would be “Mrrrrrphnrnd.”

And that would be on a good day.

One of the great things about being in a relationship is doing those girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife things with other couples. Bringing a zombie as your date, or better dead half, has a few logistical problems.

However, if you insist on going in that direction, you should know you need to make a few extra preparations before going out on the town. Bearing in mind that your true love is going need some kind of muzzle or barrier between her teeth and your friends’ vital organs, this date will be problematic. Nothing puts a damper on a good evening more than having your spouse or significant other taking a bite out of your friend or your friend’s spouse. There is always that awkward pause and the continuous apologies for your date’s behavior.

Then again, if you have a friend going through a difficult relationship and he or she’s a bit skittish on ending it, you can always plan a little infection. One carefully calculated bite while your date and his partner are in the powder room can make a world of difference. After all, should your friend’s spouse or date become one of the living dead, a shot in the head can prevent a nasty break up or an expensive divorce.

In most cases, though, most double dates or get- togethers will end right around the time your lover’s eye watering stench reaches their nostrils. It’s very hard to hold a civilized conversation when your friends are covering their mouth and nose and inhaling in gulps to avoid breathing.

No, no, it just won’t work.

Man and woman, woman and man, man and man, woman and woman – somehow we’ve gotten all of these things to work. What doesn’t work is human and zombie.

It takes a very special and stupid individual to attempt to make it work. I know as sure and I’m writing this article that anyone who was watching The Walking Dead cringed when the Governor started to comb his zombie daughter’s hair. It was more than just a little creepy.

The root of romances that happen like this comes from lovers that can’t accept that their mate is dead. I can understand that. It’s a painful thing to endure. Unfortunately, the cold, hard truth is that their soul has departed and the only thing that’s left is a thing that walks around biting and scratching people.

The simple cure to this is closure. Say, “I love you.” Then shoot them in the head. I always recommend cremation for the best most logical bit of closure. That way there are no surprises down the road if you miss the critical parts of the zombie brain.

If you still think that you can make it work, I can’t do anything for you and I can only recommend a good therapist at this point.

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