Why Witches Should Not Have Their Own Cooking Shows

I was browsing through Food TV today and realized that almost everyone has a cooking show.

There are cooking shows that feature Cajun Cooking, French Cooking, Italian Cooking, Tuscan Cooking, Russian Cooking, and Southern Cooking. A good cooking show will let your mind wander. It will let your imagination run wild and allow your taste buds to anticipate the ambrosia that can only be available if you are lucky enough to be an audience member. We, at home, can only wonder how good things might taste. However, if you are patient enough, hungry enough, and are good enough with a knife and colander, you can learn how to cook almost anything.

Almost anything.

There is a niche market of unique cooking out there that many people haven’t sampled. While the demand for many of these quite eclectic meals has gone unnoticed, I think we can surmise other reasons why occult cuisine hasn’t caught on.

I am not one of those people. I believe that a good Cajun Gumbo from a Voodoo wise woman can be evidence of a benevolent being running this universe and was freely giving out recipes to those lonely swamp women. It’s a shame, because someone’s marketing department could go crazy with a campaign like “Voodoo Gumbo is so good, zombies keep coming back for it.”

There needs to be more truth in television. I think that when someone says, “She’s a wiz in the kitchen” that there be some kind of grimoire in a back cabinet next to the spice rack. A man could come home to dinner and be treated to a magical meal. The problem is that a belch could be the difference between life and death.

That being said – I still think they shouldn’t have a cooking show.

The magic of a gourmet meal, expertly prepared, is a thing of wonder.

We need to remember that "magic" should be a figure of speech. When the chef is one who works regularly with the innards of a ticking universe, one should be concerned that her allspice better be used in the correct amount and not one that will cause chaos on a cosmic scale.

While we can all agree that certain substitutions within most recipes are allowable, we must remain ever vigilant when a witchy chef says, “Do not substitute the eye of newt for anything else. I can’t explain exactly why… but it would be bad.” The term, “bad” in this case could mean anything from “may cause indigestion” to “could create a hole the size of Belgium in the time/space continuum.”

And who needs that?

There is also the hazard of stirring. Most witches will insist on stirring anything within their cauldron clockwise. From what I understand, most chefs won’t care which way the stirring goes, so long as you can get the right consistency for the dish. Should an occult recipe not be followed in this respect one may have larger problems than a few lumps in the gravy and more having to undo what mischief a negative entity can create upon the dinner party. Catastrophes range in severity from mild boils to complete hair loss – depending upon the general mood of the dinner guests and the phase of the moon.

Should any cooking network decide that these hazards are under the category of acceptable losses, I would certainly recommend that their vetting and interviewing process should be conducted with care and diplomacy. The use of a broomstick at any of these interviews should not be confused with a message that they will assist the janitorial staff rather management should realize that their new cooking host will not have a problem with parking and have a reliable commuting method.

As a matter of precaution, it may be a good idea to have the janitor also "accidentally" leave a bucket of water behind. This may be especially useful during contract negotiations or if the interview has gone awry.

The new host should have good character references. It's good to have a witch fighting on the side of angels. Although it is not common, there are some witches that take pride in their more evil deeds. Any references that come from people with a pseudonym of something to the tune of “Rambor the Black”, “Iodemus the Cursed”, "Barking Mad John" or “Shylum the Necromancer” should be cause for alarm.

I would also recommend that any attempt at having them prove their acumen in the kitchen should not have any special requests at apple pies. The shiny red apples used while sweet and juicy may have a side effect of… death. Any executive struck down by one of these apples may need to review their LGBT policies on kissing handsome princes and have Windsor castle on their speed dial.

Everyone deserves their time in the limelight. Witches are no different. It is only their preference to remain behind the scenes.

Working with witches has always been a dicey thing since the days of wise women and pointy hats. Getting on the wrong side of a witch is dangerous business. One day you’re a dashing young programming executive whose only problem was getting a key to the executive washroom and the next day you wonder what kind of lily pad would be the most comfortable to eat flies on.

Power and responsibility is a delicate thing. Witches know this well. Most people who have had the privilege of sharing a meal with a wise woman will know that good food can be gotten easily from a maiden, a mother, or a crone – and such meals should remain a family mystery. Anyone not taking the advice and instructions of a witch seriously and to the letter runs the risk of certain disaster.

Programming advice from a wise woman in regards to her cooking show will not be based on Neilson statistics rather they will make the call on Mercury going retrograde. Executives entertaining the idea of making this work will need to be understanding.

Given the environment of both Madison Avenue and the entertainment industry, a cooking show will mix two ingredients that should never be thrown together: Wise Women and Wise Guys.

Wise women will certainly make mistakes along the way in making a synergistic television production. This is a learning process.

Wise guys, when thrown into the mix, will be croaking all the way home unless they watch their tongues.