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Updated on June 4, 2017

Hello, my name is Daniel Austhof, and I am The Blessed One. I have had a wild ride in my 30 years on this Earth! I am hoping to develop career abilities and publish, produce, and direct my experiences and life lessons.

*This piece is written as a satire and serves as my tongue-in-cheek introduction. The details are all true, but I took some liberties in the wording and portrayal of myself......................

ME (on the Right)

'Chandler' (Matthew Perry)

* I *

-I'm often called Dano, but Entheos is my proper name

-I am created in the image of God, His Aura indwells me

-I am who I am, not a thing I’m a Soul;

-I’m no work in progress- I am the damn goal!;

-I’m held hostage by Hope and forge forward with Faith;

-I exude a Calm Supremacy of Spirit over Circumstance;

-I’m as sharp as a switchblade, as deep as a high-rise, and as genuine as a rattlesnake;

-I’ve been overwhelmed with the shame of something that I didn’t do, and that couldn’t be any different;

-I’ve been sharpened by this shame and the Devil's assaults, while sustained by the substance of the Holy Hand;

-Now I sense that I’m told that it’s time to Return;

-I’ve been to the Depths of Hell, and I wasn’t impressed;

-I’ve seen many things probably better left unspoken; so I’ll write them!:

-I’ve eaten bull’s balls in Boulder;

-I’ve skydived South Haven;

-I once branded myself with a burning cigarette lighter- just to say I did;

-I serve as a scapegoat for the naïve public by brandishing the bull’s-eye for ALL car crashes- keeping the innocent folk safe!;

-I’ve been framed for 2 Minor in Possession of Alcohol offenses;

-I’ve labored outdoors, everyday for 2 Michigan winters, and never wore gloves;

-I’ve walked 4-inch wide I-beams, hours each day, wearing 6-inch wide Mickey Mouse boots;

-I once hand-fed Crunch-n-Munch to an intoxicated wild bear!

-I’ve been thrown, headfirst, through a shatter-proof windshield, gashed open from forehead to crown, while suffering massive brain trauma.

-I was the star of the frantic ensuing Aero-Med mission.

-I was forced to RE-learn to walk, talk, and even reason;

-I’ve proven all the doomsday naysayers wrong;

-I’ve planned out the (unfulfilled) precise murder of a woman who was crippled in a crash that I caused;

-I’ve sobbed uncontrollably, while comparing each verse of the 'Monster Ballads' album to my own life;

-I’ve tongue-kissed the barrel of a loaded .40 Caliber Glock with an anchor attached to my ankle;

-I’ve nearly been ripped limb from limb by the battle between Good and Evil waging war for my soul;

-I once met Satan in a Psych Ward……(it was scary);

-I've been told that I look like Chandler- by the Devil incarnate!

-I’ve experienced total depravity;

-I've walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and it may be a lack of Faith, but honestly, I FEARED!

-I was rescued by the Grace of God; presumably to make a difference in His world.

-I’ve spit in the eye of Death- shouting “cut me, I’ll bleed/ but I can’t be broken!”;

-I have gone many sleepless weeks- even months- when every time I closed my eyes, evil hooves hovered over my head;

-I became brain-dead, every evening, for years on end;

-I’ve surfed Santa Barbara, and I’ve solicited for strippers in Vegas;

-I once dated a ‘Dancer’ from Grandville, and just walked away;

-I really have worn the weight of the whole world on my shoulders;

-I’m a refugee from the tyranny of my own mind;

-I’ve been given the daunting task of rebuilding my life with worn out tools;

-I’ve needed to create- all over again- an optimistic self-identity, immediately after being stripped of Everything;

-I have struggled with God all through the night- and though I clearly haven’t won, I think we’ve finally reached an understanding……….Meaning, that I now know it was all necessary:

-*Everything that’s been, Made me everything I AM.

-I don’t know how to put this….but I’m kind of a Big Deal!;

-I still possess, after over a decade, great Hope and Faith, but not much else- and it’s sufficient……for now........ I guess

-I believe that if God doesn't have Big plans for me, that I can convince Him to change His mind;

-I’ve learned why they say, “be careful what you wish for”…..and I may have asked for too much! Now my weakness just may be my strength, but I’m tired of proving that I CAN!

-I’ve been losing but haven’t lost- God wants what I want, so I’ll inevitably Win!;

-I feel it's not Faith when we decide for ourselves what is “possible” or even “realistic”;

-I will always Aim For Stars! And even if I'm never King...if I come close or miss by far, I'll smile and not regret a thing

-I’ve already proven everyone else wrong…….

Now I just need to prove myself right!

“According to your faith, be it unto you!” -Matthew 9:29


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    • AmaTainted profile image

      Amanda 6 years ago from Texas

      interested in the rest of the story...

    • aim4strz profile image

      Daniel Austhof 8 years ago from West Michigan

      Yes, it was no doubt a VERY trying period of my life. I do plan to explain things chronologically in a synopsis, but my book is simply a large rough draft right now. I'm hoping to gaugue the interest level in my story- and hubpages is beginning to reignite the drive to start writing again and reminding me that I have a story to be told. Thank you for your interest and I will surely check out your work as well.

    • SuperChix 143 profile image

      Vix 8 years ago from USA

      Phew!! It must have been a crazy few years for you. I'm interested in some of the things you've written; do you plan on explaining some more? Or is are these the very things that are in your book? Well i am too glad you are alive. God has he's reasons!

    • aim4strz profile image

      Daniel Austhof 8 years ago from West Michigan

      Thanks, I appreciate the kind words.

    • create a page profile image

      create a page 8 years ago from Maryland, USA

      Aim4strz it seems as if you have been through much in your 30 years here on earth. I am glad you have lived to tell us about those experiences. By the way you do look like Chandler.