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Hello, my name is Daniel Austhof, and I am The Blessed One. I have had a wild ride in my 30 years on this Earth! I am hoping to develop career abilities and publish, produce, and direct my experiences and life lessons.
*This piece is written as a satire and serves as my tongue-in-cheek introduction. The details are all true, but I took some liberties in the wording and portrayal of myself......................
ME (on the Right)
'Chandler' (Matthew Perry)
* I *
-I'm often called Dano, but Entheos is my proper name
-I am created in the image of God, His Aura indwells me
-I am who I am, not a thing I’m a Soul;
-I’m no work in progress- I am the damn goal!;
-I’m held hostage by Hope and forge forward with Faith;
-I exude a Calm Supremacy of Spirit over Circumstance;
-I’m as sharp as a switchblade, as deep as a high-rise, and as genuine as a rattlesnake;
-I’ve been overwhelmed with the shame of something that I didn’t do, and that couldn’t be any different;
-I’ve been sharpened by this shame and the Devil's assaults, while sustained by the substance of the Holy Hand;
-Now I sense that I’m told that it’s time to Return;
-I’ve been to the Depths of Hell, and I wasn’t impressed;
-I’ve seen many things probably better left unspoken; so I’ll write them!:
-I’ve eaten bull’s balls in Boulder;
-I’ve skydived South Haven;
-I once branded myself with a burning cigarette lighter- just to say I did;
-I serve as a scapegoat for the naïve public by brandishing the bull’s-eye for ALL car crashes- keeping the innocent folk safe!;
-I’ve been framed for 2 Minor in Possession of Alcohol offenses;
-I’ve labored outdoors, everyday for 2 Michigan winters, and never wore gloves;
-I’ve walked 4-inch wide I-beams, hours each day, wearing 6-inch wide Mickey Mouse boots;
-I once hand-fed Crunch-n-Munch to an intoxicated wild bear!
-I’ve been thrown, headfirst, through a shatter-proof windshield, gashed open from forehead to crown, while suffering massive brain trauma.
-I was the star of the frantic ensuing Aero-Med mission.
-I was forced to RE-learn to walk, talk, and even reason;
-I’ve proven all the doomsday naysayers wrong;
-I’ve planned out the (unfulfilled) precise murder of a woman who was crippled in a crash that I caused;
-I’ve sobbed uncontrollably, while comparing each verse of the 'Monster Ballads' album to my own life;
-I’ve tongue-kissed the barrel of a loaded .40 Caliber Glock with an anchor attached to my ankle;
-I’ve nearly been ripped limb from limb by the battle between Good and Evil waging war for my soul;
-I once met Satan in a Psych Ward……(it was scary);
-I've been told that I look like Chandler- by the Devil incarnate!
-I’ve experienced total depravity;
-I've walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and it may be a lack of Faith, but honestly, I FEARED!
-I was rescued by the Grace of God; presumably to make a difference in His world.
-I’ve spit in the eye of Death- shouting “cut me, I’ll bleed/ but I can’t be broken!”;
-I have gone many sleepless weeks- even months- when every time I closed my eyes, evil hooves hovered over my head;
-I became brain-dead, every evening, for years on end;
-I’ve surfed Santa Barbara, and I’ve solicited for strippers in Vegas;
-I once dated a ‘Dancer’ from Grandville, and just walked away;
-I really have worn the weight of the whole world on my shoulders;
-I’m a refugee from the tyranny of my own mind;
-I’ve been given the daunting task of rebuilding my life with worn out tools;
-I’ve needed to create- all over again- an optimistic self-identity, immediately after being stripped of Everything;
-I have struggled with God all through the night- and though I clearly haven’t won, I think we’ve finally reached an understanding……….Meaning, that I now know it was all necessary:
-*Everything that’s been, Made me everything I AM.
-I don’t know how to put this….but I’m kind of a Big Deal!;
-I still possess, after over a decade, great Hope and Faith, but not much else- and it’s sufficient……for now........ I guess
-I believe that if God doesn't have Big plans for me, that I can convince Him to change His mind;
-I’ve learned why they say, “be careful what you wish for”…..and I may have asked for too much! Now my weakness just may be my strength, but I’m tired of proving that I CAN!
-I’ve been losing but haven’t lost- God wants what I want, so I’ll inevitably Win!;
-I feel it's not Faith when we decide for ourselves what is “possible” or even “realistic”;
-I will always Aim For Stars! And even if I'm never King...if I come close or miss by far, I'll smile and not regret a thing
-I’ve already proven everyone else wrong…….
Now I just need to prove myself right!
“According to your faith, be it unto you!” -Matthew 9:29