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Etiquette To Get Through Life

Updated on August 19, 2009

Oh No, not again!!

Courtesy of Flickr
Courtesy of Flickr

Etiquette

There are times in life when we are pulled in two different directions at once emotionally. We all have a choice to make and cannot decide which choice to make. This guide will help you make the best decision when torn between two choices.

Outside talking to your friends, maybe you’re discussing current political events. Suddenly you feel some abdominal pressure. You immediately recognize this symptom as last night’s chili coming for a reckoning. What do you do? What would anyone do? Some would hold in the gas while others might ease it out in a silent fart, still others would hold it until a silence falls upon the crowd then push it out forcefully. Which course of action is the most ethical, which one is more likely to be a man’s choice?

I think it all depends on the situation and the company in question. If it is a set of dear old friends, then yes we would force it out, we may even do so in a dramatic way such as a leg kick with an arm expression to mean “Yes”. Try to understand that men are simple creatures that get a kick out of the occasional blast of gas. Now then if it is a set of new friends in question, it would have to be a squeaker.

Choosing the proper fart for each occasion is often times a troubling decision. Have you ever been on a date with someone special and feel the gas begging to come out? Oh man, that is the worst feeling ever. Here you have a very special person with you that you are doing everything you can to impress this person, when all of a sudden life throws a stick in your spokes. Has it ever hit you so sudden and hard that you jump? Have you ever had to excuse yourself from the table in a rush? Perhaps a chair gets knocked over, and God forbid you crop dust the restaurant en route to the bathroom.

This is no laughing matter, it happens every day. I have taken to choosing a table away from the bathroom trail whenever I go to a restaurant; I suggest you do the same. I chose to do this because there I was, with my lovely wife at a restaurant enjoying a meal. Some guy rushes by us while heading to the bathroom. Suddenly, without any warning whatsoever an invisible cloud of noxious gas pours over the table. I had just finished taking a drink so I took a breath, not a shallow one either. My face contorted into three different expressions within three seconds. First my eyes crossed, then my eyebrows raised and cheeks puffed out as I held what was left of my breath; finally I closed my eyes as they started to water uncontrollably and I coughed out the foul air. My wife gagged for a few seconds, then a look of complete anger and fury came over her face. It was aimed at me as I was about to pass out and my arms waving off any of the stench left. Once I saw the look I proclaimed under my breath that it wasn’t me. I pointed down the restaurant at other patrons. Some were also flapping their arms wildly while others had napkins held up to their noses. Anyway, we left and I promised to never choose a seat along the stink trail.

How about long car trips? Ever get gassy in the car? Have you ever let one go only to hear the cries of dissatisfaction from your passengers? This event is really awful; you must protect your passengers from this injustice. For Pete sakes roll down your window before you let ‘er rip, unless you want to be cruel and unusual to your front passenger. But it only works with power windows and a lock. If their window is down a crack you can lock it, then let one go, silent ones are best for this evil. Just make sure all the other windows are all the way up.

One benefit to owning a dog is you can blame your farts on them. I have successfully passed off blame on my kids and my dog. It works extremely well. The kids though, you can only do this until they start to talk. Blaming a fart on a squeaky sneaker though is a little bit lame. Alright, there was a time when my wife and I were dating and I was helping her do something. She was putting food in a freezer; the floor was linoleum so it squeaked a little when you walked on it. I went to pick her up off the ground. I guess the exertion just exerted itself in the wrong direction. If you put your bottom lip over your top lip and blow hard that is the sound it made. She heard it and smiled. I said it was my sneaker squeaking against the floor. Sweetheart that she is, she simply agreed with me. I found out later on in our life together that she knew I had farted.

Whatever the case may be just remember one thing. Farting is a natural occurrence that happens all the time and sometimes they pop up when you are least suspecting them. Most of the times they do not smell very good and can also linger in the air. Sometimes they can be so potent the natural air can become toxic. So in conclusion, be courteous to other people in the surrounding area before you let one fly.

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    • wesleycox profile image
      Author

      wesleycox 8 years ago from Back in Texas, at least until August 2012

      maggs, jiberish, mighty mom thank you for enjoying this

      Earnest very funny.

    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 8 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Very good with the fating thing, Australian women think it is a national sport!

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      LOL. A nice, humorous spin on the subject. I didn't realize you were such a "fartiquette expert" Wesley! MM

    • jiberish profile image

      jiberish 8 years ago from florida

      That was fun!

    • maggs224 profile image

      maggs224 8 years ago from Sunny Spain

      very very funny

    • wesleycox profile image
      Author

      wesleycox 8 years ago from Back in Texas, at least until August 2012

      Ethel: I am sure they do as it is only human

      James: You have to proclaim some of them in a wild manner.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 8 years ago from Chicago

      If you're gonna do it by all means lift a leg. And use the Dutch Oven once and a while. That's a big hit.

    • ethel smith profile image

      Eileen Kersey 8 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

      You need to find a better class of restaurant lol. Bodily functions are just so funny. Let's face it though even the Queen of England and the Pope must break wind occasionally.??

    • wesleycox profile image
      Author

      wesleycox 8 years ago from Back in Texas, at least until August 2012

      Dohn: The car prank is priceless

      Advisor: You're talking about the dutch oven, a very evil crime.

      Ladybird: I am glad I could make you guys laugh. That is the whole point.

    • Ladybird33 profile image

      Ladybird33 8 years ago from Fabulous USA

      OMG, this is so funny! I had to share with my husband, we are still laughing! Very entertaining and one we can all relate too.

    • advisor4qb profile image

      advisor4qb 8 years ago from On New Footing

      My exhusband used to do that and then pull the covers up over my head...I HATED THAT!

      :)

    • dohn121 profile image

      dohn121 8 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      Very funny Wes. That farting in the car prank is the worst. I had friend that used to pull that one all the time. After a while, I would always have the window always half-open just in case and my finger would always be on the ready...Just in case.