Once, I woke up dead, turns out it was just a dream, reality is my nightmare. My brain has a mind of its own. It's like 74 people in one shouting here, crying there, laughing quietly, whispering, rampaging, idealizing, it never sleeps and I can't control it. It does as it pleases, I just simply give it a home inside of my big head. I run! Physically that is, not mentally, I don't know how. I just crawl, try to walk and then stumble into the arms that just drop me and then I start all over again. I don't live on this earth permanently, I'm simply just passing through. One day I'll defy the laws of gravity and fly away. Walking into my life is like walking into a battlefield unarmed without realizing it. I don't blame you for running, just don't trip on your way out. Music feeds my soul, it inspires me; it quenches my thirst like water at the end of a workout. I'm cursed by my imagination and can't trust. I tried once and failed. Happiness with other people is not a destination for me. I'm still traveling this road, it seems to be getting longer and longer as the miles increase and my patience decreases. I'm not the way I am by choice, every aspect is an explanation which leaves me looking for an adjective to describe all of the instabilities that make me who I am. The search goes on, but for what? Soon I will be history. The goal is to be remembered forever as a catastrophic historical genius.
Very glad I do not feel this way anymore. My parents divorce was finalized and I was separated from my family at the time. Since then, the lord has given me many blessings.
Lot of truth there- thanks for sharing.
One of my favorite once-in-a-great-while activities is to read my old journal entries. At times they amuse me while at other times they scare me. Your thought process here and even some of your thoughts themselves are very familiar to me. I have found my journaling, no matter how it reads to others, is very comforting and helpful in working out some of the static in my head. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad to hear that life has settled and you are aware and grateful of your blessings even in hardship.
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