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Make America Sane Again: Donald J. Trump - Swamp Monster and Traitor

Updated on December 16, 2019

From The Headquarters Of Make America Sane Again

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Melania's Big Disappointment

It was a quiet, if not altogether beautiful day in the neighborhood. Melania Trump had just swallowed her 10th antacid of the morning, and it was only 10:00 a.m.

She has just been given the worst kind of news. Her husband of 14 years has just been attacked by a big orange alligator. It was apparently mailed to him in a large boot box.

MT: "How big was it?"

Secret Service Person: "Once it was blown up, It was 8 feet long, from snout to tail."

MT: "Oh, that was probably Donald, Jr. or his little brother, Eric. It's a game he and Eric like to play. It's called "swamp creatures". They dress up as snakes and alligators and go around frightening people. Sometimes, Donald makes Mitch McConnell, Devin Nunes,and a few other boot lickers play with them"

SSP: “I’ve heard that they are scary enough without costumes.”

MT: “Just like their father. Scary anyway you take them.”

SSP: "Your boys really do admire their father, don't they?"

MT: "They have to. If they don't, he'll cut off their allowances. let's just say they grovel at his feet as long as he promises not to kick them too hard."

SSP: "You mean there's a promise he's actually kept?"

MT: "Oh no. He never promised. They were just lucky that steel toed boots hurt Donald's bunions."

SSP: “Excuse me, Ma'am. I'm getting a message over the secret decoder ring your husband gave me last Christmas to celebrate shutting down the government. He really enjoyed that, didn't he?"

MT: "You know Donald! He loves to see people suffer. Are you saying those stupid rings really work? The President ordered them from amazon. They were only $50 for 10 of them. The one he gave me must be defective , because it never worked. I wonder what he'll do to disappoint everybody for Christmas this year."

SSP: "He's probably got something up his sleeve. As to the ring, Ma'am, the point is the president thinks it works, and if I want to keep my job, I think so too."

MT: "You'd better check your message, then."

SSP: "Oh, my, CNN says he was hit in several places."

MT: "Where?"

SSP: "On the golf course, in his private bathroom and in the limo on his way to McDonald's."

MT: "Do they think he'll live?"

SSP: "I don't know. Someone in the Congress is taking bets and there are a few numbers left if you want in."

MT: "Sure. I'll take I 495 out of Washington. Just give me a head start. Any more news on the buzzard - I mean the president?"

SSP: "No, there are a number of emergency vehicles on site. Ah, crap, my decoder ring needs to be charged."

MT: "Well, I'll put the champagne in the ice bucket, just in case."

SSP: "Oh, good. There it is. It looks like they're putting someone in the back of the ambulance. This doesn't look good."

MT: " That depends on your prospective. Are you sure it's Donald?"

SSP: "No, but from here, it does look orange. There's also some guy from toys Galore. I wonder what that's all about."

A phone rings in the distance. It is a generic Apple or Android ring tone. The secret Service Person picks it up. "Really? That's good, I suppose. He's on the golf course? But I heard he had been bitten 3 times by a raging bull alligator. It did? Wow! that's amazing!"

MT: "So, what's going on?"

SSP: "The president is fine. but the alligator died when Mitch McConnell popped it with his tie pin".

MT: "You mean it isn't true that Donald was injured?"

SSP: "Sorry, Ma'am. It's just more fake news."

MT: "Darn it!"

Did You Know Our Fearless Leader Saved Christmas?

Did you know that we went back to calling the 25th day of December Christmas because of our Fearless Leader? Did you know that some evil vicious people wanted to change the name of Thanksgiving, but Trump stopped them as well? Well, he almost stopped the Thanksgiving goblins. However, we reached a compromise. We will change the day's name in 2020 to thank God Trump Is Gone day, and change it back to the old name in 2021.

Drama Beneath The Golden Arches

When we last left the president, Mitch McConnell had just rescued him from an enraged inflatable swamp creature. The people at the McDonald's drive through reported hearing a popping noise around 8:45 a.m. They also heard language they didn’t care to repeat coming from a pile of orange plastic that was hissing at them from the back seat of the presidential limo. They couldn’t make out the words, but one worker, Daniel S. Storm, thought he heard someone say, “McConnell, you idiot, that was Eric’s Christmas present.”

Now, thanks to Donald Trump, we know beyond doubt that orange is a toxic color for a president. To honor this well-known fact, I am adding Agent Orange II to my many affectionate nick names for the 45th Presidential Disaster.

Of course, Gatorgate was grist for the president’s literary platform. Trump tweeted that the alligator was either unleashed on him by the Democrats or Rosie O'Donnell. Both said it was fake news, and Trump sued them for a copyright violation.

Unfortunately, the only thing we know about the alligator is that it was built in Russia. We know this because the label on the packaging it came in was addressed to Donald J. Trumpski, and was from a toy store called “Inflatables of Russia”. It was carefully wrapped in a box that had formerly contained a pair of Russian made steel toed boots, with a small note attached that said, "gentle reminder".

Mr. Trump had a splitting headache over last week's thanksgiving holiday. He was trying to think about the state of the world, but nothing penetrated the smog. As we all know, our subject does not like to think, and he avoids doing it whenever he can.

The only time the Donald's brain gets a work out is when he is employing it to inflict damage on his enemies, and to use the common parlance, throw former friends "under the bus". It also shows some neuron activity when it is employed in dreaming up ways for its owner to steal, cheat, and otherwise plunder the public trust. but, back to the central point of this illuminating information filled essay, which you will recall, unless of course, you’ve forgotten why Donald trump’s new code name is, and for all times ought to be, Agent Orange II.

Sorry Donald, Agent Orange 1 Was Already Taken

First, a little history. Agent Orange 1 was a powerful defoliant which our government used to clear the jungles of Vietnam. It was so toxic that many of our soldiers, not to mention a number of Vietnamese ended up dying from its effects. It caused untold misery to everyone it touched.

Agent Orange II is the same thing, only he has two legs. The capacity of Agent Orange II to cause 2020 times more damage than his toxic chemical predecessor has been proven in a science lab called the Earth. His malignancy is such that whole cultures, nay species, face extinction under his watch.

Agent Orange II has a special venom for children. Like the bully of old who extorted other kids' lunch money, he has cut federal school lunch funding and food stamps. This way, he can make sure children go hungry.

Yes, I know. My dad used to make the argument that parents should pay to feed their own kids. Maybe in a perfect world, you know, like Agent Orange II’s perfect phone call, parents could perform their duties. But whether the parents won’t, can't, or just plain don't wanna', the kids are the ones who go hungry.

Compared to diseases resulting from malnutrition, and bad behavior that is only exasperated by poverty and its evil twin, hunger, a stable food supply for America’s kids would seem like a good investment. I am not opposed to feeding the adults, as well, but that is a subject for another snarky essay about Donald J. Trump.

Another expensive, but much more effective way to abuse kids is to separate them from their parents. Babies get especially scared when strangers take them away from their mommies and daddies. Suddenly, even infants find themselves being handled, and mishandled by strangers. Several children have died in ICE custody. The fun part is that it is quite possible that the parents and the kids who survive will never see each other again! Ain't that special?

Then, there are children starving in Yemen and Syria because Agent Orange II has provided ordinance to bomb them to smithereens.

It appears that Trump's good buddy, Mohammad bin Salman, Crowned Criminal of Saudi Arabia, can afford to buy air planes and bombs from us, and since he can, it is our duty to keep Americans working by selling them to him. The fact that many children are dying of hunger and disease just adds to the fun our largess has inspired.

What is amazing is that our Fearless Leader doesn't even see the hypocrisy of killing a bunch of kids who are already here, while swearing to protect the life of the unborn. I'm not addressing abortion here. I'm just stating that kids are kids, and whether you abort them, starve them or drop bombs on them, they are just as dead.

How can you outlaw abortion because you think life is sacred, and simultaneously kill children from Central America, Syria, Yemen, not to mention Chicago, New York and Las Angeles? I don't know the answer, but perhaps one of Agent Orange II's evangelist Christian supporters can explain the discrepancy.

Cheer Up, Donald, I'll Be Your Friend


Pardon Me, Don, Can You Spell Constitution?

Of course, the Trump White House is full of ironies. One of my favorites is the annual

tradition of pardoning a turkey before Thanksgiving. It is a tradition that Trump especially likes. It isn't often that you can protect one of your intellectual equals from certain death, but this tradition allows Trump to do so.

In fact, Trump loves to issue pardons. Last week, he pardoned 4 men who had been convicted of war crimes by the United States military.

These wonderful citizens had done something so horrible that their soldier colleagues said they were guilty of going over the line. Military courts are composed of men and women who have seen plenty of wars, and plenty of unpleasant results of war. These are people who are trained to commit violent acts and are frequently called upon to do so. It would take a lot for them to censure one of their own. However, they expect members of the armed services to abide by the rules of war because believe it or not,well trained soldiers don't kill for the fun of it.

Yet, Agent Orange II thought the members of his own military were too harsh on the poor snowflakes and he let them go. That ought to be good for military morale. Yes, guys and gals, you can be as violent and evil as you like as long as King Donald likes what you did.

So, Gentle Readers, you have proof that Agent Orange II can pardon turkeys, and doesn't hesitate to do just that. Not convinced? Just wait until the impeachment hearings are done. Our Fearless Leader will pardon so many turkeys, it will make your head spin, or ache depending on your sense of right and wrong.

Is There A Traitor In Our Midst?

Why is Trump the man we love to hate? Have you ever walked past an - oh Lord, help me resist orange tree, and you know you're welcome to eat any piece of fruit you want. The bottom branches are loaded with oranges, and they are at their peak. Do you climb the tree to get the stuff at the top? Of course not. You would grab the oranges that are easily within your reach, A/K/A the low hanging fruit. And, if trump is anything, he is a fruit.

Trump is consistent only in his ability to be mean, ugly, stupid and a traitor. Did I mention that he is orange, too? Well, he's all that and more, and this is why writers find him so interesting to discuss.

You remember being in high school when you were forced to dissect a lizard? Can't you just feel the guts and slime as your teacher tells you where to insert the knife? Writing about trump is kind of like that, only instead of a knife and an irate biology teacher, it's a pen, and some mighty confused citizens.

Its like a journey back to high school whenever Trump opens his mouth or tweets. You hardly have to sharpen your pencil to come up with ideas to describe the weird and dangerous things he does. It would be fun if the stakes weren't so high.

Calling a sitting president a no good, low Don skunk may not be nice, but free speech was always protected by the first amendment. Well, the constitution did protect free speech the last time I read it. Of course, a lot could have changed in a week, so who knows?

Calling a sitting president a traitor requires a little more First Amendment guts, and I'm sure Mr. Trump wishes that certain journalists and pundits could be stopped from enjoying its protections. Unfortunately, Mr. Trump is more interested in the Fifth Amendment in this stage of his morally bankrupt, checkered career.

So, why do I, the Sage of Monticello, Indiana that is, believe that President Trump actually committed treason? Here goes:

1. Trump has expressed great admiration for Vladimir Putin.

2. The Russians interfered in the 2016 elections in the hope that Hillary wouldn't win.

3. Trump is a jack ass - I mean, Trump won the election.

4. The Mueller report did not exonerate Trump. In fact, it is the Dept. of Justice's supposed policy not to indict a sitting president. I bet Bill Barr just made that up!

5. Many of Trump's cronies have been convicted of crimes committed during the 2016 election for trump's benefit. Many of them are serving time. Birds of a feather ...

6. Russia is providing military aid both against rebels in Syria and to rebels in Ukraine.

7. The United States is providing aid to rebels in Syria and against the rebels that Russia is supporting in the Ukraine. This means, that for whatever reason, our military, congress and intelligence community have decided that Russia is not our friend, and that the US should not be doing things to help Russia meet its goals on the world stage. Trump apparently didn't get the memo.

8. Trump suddenly withdrew our troops in Syria, and got some of our former allies, the Kurds, killed.

9. Trump withheld aid from Ukraine despite their desperate need for protection against Trump's buddy Vlad, which got some of our Ukrainian allies killed.

Both the sudden decision to withdraw from Syria and withhold aid for Ukraine preempted legislation that congress had already passed. In short, in both cases, the aid was not withdrawn for any national security interest of the United States. It was only Trump's attempts to make things easier for his buddy, Vladimir Putin, and to enhance his chances of (God forbid) securing a second term in 2020.

In short, Donald J. Trump conducted American foreign policy to benefit himself and Russia, totally ignoring what our congress, our military, and our intelligence community had decided was in our best interest. In short, he ignored America's best interests for his own personal gains, and risked our national security and our standing with our allies, heedless of what his actions might do to our safety in the world. This is to say, he betrayed all of us, and is getting our service men and women killed for his own benefit.

Go Home, Donald, Your buddy Vlad Misses You


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