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Top 5 Hilarious Ways Of Saving Money - by The Vanilla Godzilla

Updated on September 8, 2016
Dan W Miller profile image

Raised/lived Simi Valley-Thousand Oaks, CA. Worked in L.A. At Puget Sound, San Diego in the USN. Married, divorced, kids. Phoenix since 2000

This is one way to save money. Be your own body shop repair shop. Just find a trailer park. Need some extra bucks at the end of the month? I know how to help
This is one way to save money. Be your own body shop repair shop. Just find a trailer park. Need some extra bucks at the end of the month? I know how to help | Source

The author, "The Vanilla Godzilla" is an expert at spending money. Not so much at MAKING money. So learning to SAVE money has been my last option!

Lead in from the ghostwriter Jeromie Williams of the Toronto Examiner:*

The Toronto Examiner POP 5 was lucky enough to get some time with Dan W. Miller in between his many radio appearances, comedy shows and parole hearings (joke) to ask him what matters to today's struggling comedians.

As expected it was the current battle cry of the middle class - how comics just can't make any money, and in the current struggling US economy have to take new and ever increasingly ingenious steps to save a buck or two.

It was pretty difficult to stop Dan W. Miller once he got going on the subject, so rather than waste a single word of the Vanilla Godzilla interview, The Pop 5 has in its entirety, the complete ramblings of Mr. Miller.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Pop 5 Ways to Save Money During the Recession, compliments of a real Dirty Old Man.**

Jeromie Williams


The Top 5 Ways To Save You Money - By Dan W. Miller a.ka. "The Vanilla Godzilla"

Everyone has the usual methods for saving money and let's face it, with the economy the way it is nowadays, we have exhausted all of our efforts to conserve funds. Oh sure, the usual tricks are to cut back on driving to conserve on the rising fuel costs by biking or walking or bumming rides from friends. But who wants to do ANY of those?

I have the Olympic-type extreme methods for conserving money right here. Some are painful, uncomfortable and down right crazy to anyone makin' nice cash at their job, but if you're hangin' on to your paycheck by your fingernails, I have the five ways to REALLY go that extra step further when the usual methods are not enough.

Now, keep in mind, these may not seem like much but when you stretch them out over the course of year, they will add up. I mean, how many times have you wished you had an extra $20 bucks at the end of the month? Let's start by making a dent in that electric bill.

1.) - Use a nightlight for your bathroom light. You don't want to see what you look like in the morning anyway. So why do you need the four 100 watt bulbs blasting you in the face like that time the cops caught you doing something illegal in the back of that car (having sex?) or peeing on the back of that bar's alley wall.

Amazingly, I can go to the bathroom in the dark from knowing exactly where everything is connected on me since birth. I can even pee in the dark granted I have a toilet rim as wide as a manhole. The little 3-5 watt bulb in the night light should help you to aim your tukus onto the seat and where to shoot if you prefer to stand.

2.) - Unplug everything not in use. Apparently they leak electricity. Do you really need those electric clocks in your place every 15 feet? Get a battery operated clock. Now the electric company will charge nearly triple within certain times of the day and year.

In Arizona during the hot months (April to September) it's between 1 p.m. and 8 p.m. that are the "witching hours.'" That's when the entire state turns it's A/C to full blast just to keep from sweating wet beads of persperation into your couch.

During the winter it's different, 5 to 9 a.m. AND p.m. They obviously figure they'll get you before you leave for work and when you get home. Those are the hours I have my quiet time and meditate knowing I'm saving bucks. I go for a walk or watch T.V. at my neighbor's place... from outside his window. That's where I walk to.

3.) - Don't buy toilet paper. Just visit your local fast food joint and steal as many napkins as you can. When you unfold them, they are just as thin and break apart just as well as regular t.p. Once a week ought to do it.

4.) - Turn off your gas. Try not to use your natural gas. Even if you have appliances. Use a microwave. Or better yet, your bar-b-que grill. If you live in an apartment or condo complex, use the one in the courtyard or by the pool.

Yes, I know your showers will be freezing. But it's great therapy if you don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend (or both.) Cold showers always work because you'll forget about being horny real quick. If you live in scorching Arizona, the cool water feels great and the flow coming through is usually from the canal which is full of warm water heated by the sun.

5.) - Only buy the cheap-ass generic brands in the stores. No, they don't taste any different than the non-generic brands. Just close your eyes when you eat it.


Just look at it all as a game

Can I go an extra day without bathing? Tough question, I know but you save on soap, too. Does my 5 o'clock shadow look good? Can I skip a day without shaving? Ladies may get a little itchy "down south." Also helps to have an understanding and/or only occasional sex partner for both men and women.

So without my $35 gas bill, my electric bill cut by approximately $18, not buying toilet paper will save about $12, buying store brand food will save about 15% which might total about $20, this could total around $73 per month.

Then I go out and blow it all on important things like a night of partying at my local drinking establishment so I can continue to donate to the cause of keeping that place in business. That's nearly $1000 they could really use to charge you those high prices for your libation and waitresses tips. Hey, I have my priorities!



Dan W. Miller is "The Vanilla Godzilla" and on a social media site near you!

* Originally published in the Toronto Examiner 2011.

** The author and the ghost writer are featured in the video below.


**The author and the ghost writer are featured

Get inspiration from a great statesman. Then spend your rewards... even wisely, if you choose.

Benjamin Franklin knew how to save money
Benjamin Franklin knew how to save money
Now you have enough money to waste on your favorite bartender!
Now you have enough money to waste on your favorite bartender!

Comments? Questions? Suggestions to save money?

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    • ElizaDoole profile image

      Lisa McKnight 5 years ago from London

      You take frugalism to a new level Dan, funny and voted up!

    • Dan W Miller profile image
      Author

      Dan W Miller 5 years ago from Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Oh, so thrilled to have a fan such as you, Ms. ElizaDoole, and if you'll pardon the pun, I will "save" you in my fan base!

      Don't kid yourself, I actually USE these methods (to one extreme or the other!) It gets to be sort of a game I play with myself daily.

      Does being born under the fastidious sign of the virgin Virgo have anything to do with such frugality? Could be. Then I shall blame the stars.

      ~ D.

    • LuisEGonzalez profile image

      Luis E Gonzalez 5 years ago from Miami, Florida

      Hey Dan, welcome to HubPages. You should read the TOS more carefully. HubPages prides itself on having original content not published anywhere else, even if you publish it here first. This is as a direct result of Google's thinking as they frown upon what they consider duplicate content.

      It is very obvious that you are a talented writer who has a lot to offer our site and we are really looking forward to see or rather read more of you work.

    • ElizaDoole profile image

      Lisa McKnight 5 years ago from London

      Luis is right Dan, give us 100% original on here and you will be fine. You can link to your other work though no problems. I'm sure you are just flying by the seat of your pants ... :) Chin up!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Voted UP & definitely Funny, Dan. As a bona-fide financial wizard, budget Guru, I am very proud of you. Saving where ever, however and whenever one can, is a clear sign of common sense & cents....and responsibility. IMO, if you are willing to take cold showers...Brrr.....you have the right to spend your savings on any damned thing you choose!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 3 years ago

      Funny!! I use some of these ideas, but love the disconnect unused appliances. That alone would save money!

    • Sunshine625 profile image

      Linda Bilyeu 3 years ago from Orlando, FL

      I really have to remember to unplug all the chargers when not in use...and I agree, toilet paper is WAY too expensive...thanks for that tip!

    • Dan W Miller profile image
      Author

      Dan W Miller 3 years ago from Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Oh, thank you, Sunshine625 for taking the time to read it.

      Written before I had joined HubPages but since it was an article already written in an online publication, I really couldn't edit it in any way nor to HubPages' preference towards earning a higher score. *sigh*

      Written entirely in tongue-in-cheek form yet I take my own advice from it!

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 3 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      Oh, I love it! I must remember to unplug appliances, but I'll go ahead and splurge on the TP :)

      Your sense of humor is inviting Dan. So glad you're here on HP. - Audrey

    • rebeccamealey profile image

      Rebecca Mealey 3 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

      Funny way to start the day. Thanks for the smiles. Love the tp one the best!

    • Daisy Mariposa profile image

      Daisy Mariposa 3 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

      Dan,

      I suggest buying toilet paper. It's less expensive than tissues and can be used when you sneeze ... Please don't suggest using your sleeve or the end of the shirt you're wearing.

    • Dan W Miller profile image
      Author

      Dan W Miller 3 years ago from Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      Thank you all! Do you know how much my electric bill was last month? $15! Granted, it's just me in a 1100 sq ft condo... and I haven't seen my face in a mirror at night since 2012. But $15!!

      I use a wind up alarm clock and I had noticed my stereo had a clock and lights but I play it maybe two or three times per month.

      Yes, Miss Daisy, I'm feeling the guilt also (besides the rough paper!) of the Burger King napkins because technically, I'm a thief by taking home more than I need... for food.

      But seriously, folks... pay heed to "peak hours." They are astronomical.

      I used to go to a Chinese All-You-Can-Eat Buffet and would gorge there two, three times a week for just $10 and I KNEW I was eating above $30 every time.

      One day the owner's Chinese (what else, right?) wife saw me and tried to communicate to me that I wasn't welcome there anymore.

      When I said she couldn't do that, she pointed to a sign that had the usual, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone..." then she acted out a man (me, of course) shoveling food in his mouth and puffed out her stomach.

      I may be slender but at 6'5+" but I have a hollow leg.

      http://hubpages.com/@vocalcoach

      http://hubpages.com/@rebeccamealey

      http://hubpages.com/@daisymariposa

    • hotwebideas profile image

      Bruce Chamoff 3 years ago from New York

      Very funny. I like the tuchus remark and getting napkins from fast food restaurants.

    • Dan W Miller profile image
      Author

      Dan W Miller 3 years ago from Southern California now living in Phoenix since 2000

      "Tuchus" is just a funny sounding word I created an entire hub around JUST so I could print it. ;) I mean, who says THAT word any more? Thank you, "Mr. hot."

    • profile image

      Dan W Miller 2 years ago

      Rated at a 92! I'm so excited!

    • profile image

      Dan W. Miller 2 years ago

      What I don't get, HubPages, is how in the hell this article can be rated a 92 and then as low as an 84 WHEN I HAVEN'T DONE A DAMN THING TO IT? THAT'S JUST PLAIN STUPID AND NOT RIGHT, OH GREAT AND POWERFUL HUBPAGES WIZARD OF OZ!

      I REALLY want an explanation from the HubPages rating people! HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN AND HOW CAN IT HAPPEN TO ANY ARTICLE ANYONE WRITES? Should be rated once AND STAY THAT RATING FOREVER IF NOTHING IS DONE TO THE ORIGINAL HUB!

      Looks like I'm going to have to raise a big fuss again in the forum and get everyone to agree with me AGAIN.

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