Top 5 Hilarious Ways Of Saving Money - by The Vanilla Godzilla

Lead in from the ghostwriter Jeromie Williams of the Toronto Examiner:*

The Toronto Examiner POP 5 was lucky enough to get some time with Dan W. Miller in between his many radio appearances, comedy shows and parole hearings (joke) to ask him what matters to today's struggling comedians.

As expected it was the current battle cry of the middle class - how comics just can't make any money, and in the current struggling US economy have to take new and ever increasingly ingenious steps to save a buck or two.

It was pretty difficult to stop Dan W. Miller once he got going on the subject, so rather than waste a single word of the Vanilla Godzilla interview, The Pop 5 has in its entirety, the complete ramblings of Mr. Miller.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Pop 5 Ways to Save Money During the Recession, compliments of a real Dirty Old Man.**

Jeromie Williams

The Top 5 Ways To Save You Money - By Dan W. Miller a.ka. "The Vanilla Godzilla"

Everyone has the usual methods for saving money and let's face it, with the economy the way it is nowadays, we have exhausted all of our efforts to conserve funds. Oh sure, the usual tricks are to cut back on driving to conserve on the rising fuel costs by biking or walking or bumming rides from friends. But who wants to do ANY of those?

I have the Olympic-type extreme methods for conserving money right here. Some are painful, uncomfortable and down right crazy to anyone makin' nice cash at their job, but if you're hangin' on to your paycheck by your fingernails, I have the five ways to REALLY go that extra step further when the usual methods are not enough.

Now, keep in mind, these may not seem like much but when you stretch them out over the course of year, they will add up. I mean, how many times have you wished you had an extra $20 bucks at the end of the month? Let's start by making a dent in that electric bill.

1.) - Use a nightlight for your bathroom light. You don't want to see what you look like in the morning anyway. So why do you need the four 100 watt bulbs blasting you in the face like that time the cops caught you doing something illegal in the back of that car (having sex?) or peeing on the back of that bar's alley wall.

Amazingly, I can go to the bathroom in the dark from knowing exactly where everything is connected on me since birth. I can even pee in the dark granted I have a toilet rim as wide as a manhole. The little 3-5 watt bulb in the night light should help you to aim your tukus onto the seat and where to shoot if you prefer to stand.

2.) - Unplug everything not in use. Apparently they leak electricity. Do you really need those electric clocks in your place every 15 feet? Get a battery operated clock. Now the electric company will charge nearly triple within certain times of the day and year.

In Arizona during the hot months (April to September) it's between 1 p.m. and 8 p.m. that are the "witching hours.'" That's when the entire state turns it's A/C to full blast just to keep from sweating wet beads of persperation into your couch.

During the winter it's different, 5 to 9 a.m. AND p.m. They obviously figure they'll get you before you leave for work and when you get home. Those are the hours I have my quiet time and meditate knowing I'm saving bucks. I go for a walk or watch T.V. at my neighbor's place... from outside his window. That's where I walk to.

3.) - Don't buy toilet paper. Just visit your local fast food joint and steal as many napkins as you can. When you unfold them, they are just as thin and break apart just as well as regular t.p. Once a week ought to do it.

4.) - Turn off your gas. Try not to use your natural gas. Even if you have appliances. Use a microwave. Or better yet, your bar-b-que grill. If you live in an apartment or condo complex, use the one in the courtyard or by the pool.

Yes, I know your showers will be freezing. But it's great therapy if you don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend (or both.) Cold showers always work because you'll forget about being horny real quick. If you live in scorching Arizona, the cool water feels great and the flow coming through is usually from the canal which is full of warm water heated by the sun.

5.) - Only buy the cheap-ass generic brands in the stores. No, they don't taste any different than the non-generic brands. Just close your eyes when you eat it.

Just look at it all as a game

Can I go an extra day without bathing? Tough question, I know but you save on soap, too. Does my 5 o'clock shadow look good? Can I skip a day without shaving? Ladies may get a little itchy "down south." Also helps to have an understanding and/or only occasional sex partner for both men and women.

So without my $35 gas bill, my electric bill cut by approximately $18, not buying toilet paper will save about $12, buying store brand food will save about 15% which might total about $20, this could total around $73 per month.

Then I go out and blow it all on important things like a night of partying at my local drinking establishment so I can continue to donate to the cause of keeping that place in business. That's nearly $1000 they could really use to charge you those high prices for your libation and waitresses tips. Hey, I have my priorities!

Dan W. Miller is "The Vanilla Godzilla" and on a social media site near you!

* Originally published in the Toronto Examiner 2011.

** The author and the ghost writer are featured in the video below.