Brunt Feeling of Homelessness
Now being I have Schizophrenia, I have to pull myself up and take inventory of all lost due to my illness.
It was quite the rollercoaster ride living through the episodes of delusions, auditory hallucinations and fighting feelings of despair. I had no idea what to think, how to feel or even what to do from one point to the next. I knew something was wrong with me. I was hearing things other people were not and starting to believe the most outlandish things about my family, boyfriend, and friends. Meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out what to do to keep my house and pay my bills.
Unfortunately, I ended up getting bad roommates. There was no point in me even trying to find a job as I was in and out of the hospital and was having to take medication that turns you into a zombie. I had bought a house and the payment was low so I figure if I got roommates I would be ok. Wrong, these people took me for over a year without paying for rent. I had to get a lawyer to evict them. My mother had to help me get them out of my house along with the lawyer. That was just the beginning as I found out with them. They had cleaned out my house by the time they were all the way gone. So now, I have nothing left. My mother had taken all the carpet out of my house, repainted and put my belongings out of a three-bedroom and two and a half bathroom house into storage. It wasn't even all of my stuff. I was missing furniture, clothing, wall art, and all my sentimental items were destroyed. I had no idea what had just happened to my house. My mother had told me to stay at her house and not to worry. I wish she wouldn't of kept me out of it. It is my house and she just in her mind was doing what she thought best.
Meanwhile, I'm now out of a home. I had to take a $40,000 loan from my parents to pay them back for the months the tenants didn't pay and also then now have to pay them back over $20,000.00 in damages and home improvements that they did to my house without even asking. So you can say I did get the short end of the stick. My mother has lost all respect for my boyfriend for not getting the tenants to leave but neither could anyone else until we went to the lawyer. She then wants me just to live with her until when? I have no job, suffering from Schizophrenia, and had yet not found a good doctor. All my mom can do is bash my boyfriend and just avoid answering any of my questions about what happened to my house. So, now she wants her money. I just stand there and feel like Scream the painting from Salvador Dali. It was pure madness I was dealing with. I still am. So I told my mom that I will just sell my house. The worst part of it all is, if I could just get a good job I would be able to afford my home but not now since I owe her so much money and she's looking for a payday. So what now?
I have lost everything and I don't know who to trust or what to even think about anything not to mention having to deal with the "voices" all day and night. The auditory hallucinations at this point are off the hook and I'm totally stressed out. I end up calling my real estate agent and asking him to put my house up for sale. I still to this day have no idea where I'm going to live or is this just it. I went with my boyfriend as I couldn't stand the constant degrading remarks I was getting about my boyfriend from my mother and the sheer absent of nothing is the wrong and nothing happened attitude from her. I'm pretty living in disbelief. I'm now living in a trailer with my boyfriend and a friend. Thank goodness I don't have to pay rent otherwise I would be out on the street. I did get a doctor with mental health and I did find a job but it's only for a limited amount of hours. Nothing that's going to pay my bills like a phone, laundry, or even food for that matter. I'm stuck in between counties with my house in one and me in another so that I can't get food stamps. then low and behold once I do get a job child support wants money too of course. It's only right but then there goes half my check which is only 6 hours a week at minimum wage.
Let's talk about feeling down. The feeling of homelessness doesn't even compare to how I feel. My home is on the market, I have very little income and Social Security has turned me down now twice. I have to appeal with them again too and possibly have to go to court. A friend of mine tells me to keep the faith and everything will work itself out. That is not the easiest thing to do after all of this.
I do know that I have a beautiful daughter who needs me to stay strong and a supportive boyfriend who, bless his heart tries to keep that smile on my face.I do my best to go to work and keep caring on trying to find that right job out there for me. It's not easy being schizophrenic. Like I said the medication doesn't help out the body very much in that category. I have gained over 20 pounds and just try to keep my diet right not to gain more and to stay on a healthy diet. That to say the least is not easy either being poor and stressed out. I'm rich in joy of the heart though and as sad as I may feel I know there is much suffering out there. So with that said I try to stay as positive and productive as possible. Thanks for letting me share.