The Economic Punishment Agency: The New "EPA"

For too long, Americans have lived under an economy that rewards achievement and punishes indolence. Such a system fuels feelings of alienation and estrangement among those who are motivationally-challenged. Finally, a group of otherwise unmotivated and public-spirited Americans have joined together in solidarity to oppose this “Culture of Achievement” by raising awareness about greedy capitalists who exploit the American people for personal profit. These wise Americans realize that economic exploitation was too sensitive a practice to be left in the hands of Wall Street and should be left in the hands of professional politicians, like our president, where it rightfully belongs.

Believing that bipartisanship is when the Stupid Party and the Evil Party combine to do something equally stupid and evil, these public-minded Americans pressured Congress to do more to recognize those who are motivationally-challenged. And our Congress, always looking for more clever ways to snuff out achievement, came together in this spirit of bipartisanship to pass the Economic Punishment Act of 2012. Title VII of the Economic Punishment Act created the new Economic Punishment Agency (EPA) of 2013.

Americans have long recognized that government has, at times, punished achievement and rewarded passivity, but has never really done so in a systematic way. The new Economic Punishment Agency (EPA) is aimed at solving that problem with better concentrating federal policy tools against the discriminatory practices of private initiative and prosperity. And don't confuse this EPA with the older one. The old EPA only punished achievement incidentally by regulating the environment; the new EPA has a bold mission to remove the blight of over achievement that infects so many.

The mission and purpose of the Economic Punishment Agency is to..

...aggressively stamp out private achievement and replace it with provision for all citizens.

This agency also has a secondary mission. Believing that while all citizens are equal, “some are more equal than others,” the educational arm of this bureau helps citizens effectively articulate the reasons why our public servants need better benefits such as health care than what is provided by them to the peasants they rule.

Agents at the Economic Punishment Agency know that private initiative is the enemy of provision for all. Therefore, several bureaus have been created within the Economic Punishment Agency to focus on the dual aims of (1) punishing the discriminatory practice of asymmetric prosperity and (2) elevating the ideals of provision for all:

Bureau of Debt—While the Bureau of the Debt has many initiatives, all are coordinated toward destroying public confidence in the economy by facilitating an insurmountable public debt. While there are many initiatives that can undermine public confidence in the private economy, few have been as successful as the tactics used by this agency.

Bureau of Regulation—It’s a mistaken rumor that the Bureau of Regulation makes regulations itself; rather, the Bureau of Regulation coordinates its efforts with other agencies to send a signal to entrepreneurs that if you try to initiate any new idea or create any new product with the expectation of profiting from it, forget it.

Bureau of Research and Development—This agency conducts research based on the premise that the otherwise motivationally-challenged become highly motivated toward punishing private initiative once they become aware of the stream of redistributed resources available to them.

Bureau of Mutual Cooperation—Many Americans fail to realize that they have what they have because of their government and its hard-working public servants. Think about it, most of the things that make life worth-while—PBS, Amtrak, food stamps, and the Postal Service— are the products of government largesse. Sadly, our educational system has failed to adequately inform young people of the government’s role of snuffing out initiative so that citizens will establish a more firm reliance on their elected representatives. The “Life Cycle” (as we like to call it here at the Agency) works like this:

Immoral capitalist tries to initiate some new private scheme to promote private prosperity—>elected representatives inform the Economic Punishment Agency of this effort—>Economic Punishment Agency pushes initiatives to stamp out private initiative by greedy capitalist—>number of available private-sector jobs declines—>citizen who cannot get a job encourages congressional representative to create more government programs—>mutual benefit between citizens and elected representatives increases: the citizen gets the program he wants and the member of Congress gets the vote he needs—>citizen finally achieves true freedom: the privilege of being a servant to his government and to his elected representative.

Bureau of Semantics—The agency has led the charge on the “War on Words.” Discriminatory expressions such as “bum,” “lazy” or “indolent” are replaced with more sensitive and public-affirming identities like “homeless,” “uninitiated," or "motivationally-challenged.” No bureau has done more to stamp out the notion that you have to be productive in order to enjoy the benefits of prosperity.

Being a new agency, the Economic Punishment Agency is still in the initial stages of putting together a team of economic underachievers. In fact, given the track record of some of its employees, important position might never be filled. However, what we lack in management ability, we make up for in gossip and hearsay. So, here is what we have heard to this point:

President Barack Obama--Of course, at the head of our team is our president Barack Obama, who has long been recognized to have an intuitive grasp of how to punish achievement and give hope to the motivationally-challenged. If you think about it, any president who can face the throes of economic collapse by taking multi-million dollar vacations and partying with Beyonce and Jay-Z is just the kind of calm presence we need to lead us though the clamor of the hysterical as they rant about the “fiscal cliff” or worn-out euphemisms like “fiscal responsibility.”

For the motivationally-challenged, the president has also modeled the success that can come by doing little, but accomplishing much. Our president has modeled the values of our agency which is embodied in the expression "less is more." With little effort on his part, President Obama won the presidency and a Nobel Peace Prize within months of each other while at the same time initiated a successful campaign against economic prosperity.

President Obama is a change agent, a man that brings hope and change wherever he goes. Word is out (although unofficially) that the Economic Punishment Agency will soon begin the "Hope and Change Key" or "HACK" Program to provide.........well.....hope and change to the millions of motivationally-challenged Americans. One of the most encouraging initiatives of HACK is the "Scope of Hope Initiative." The government has contracted with a clothing company to manufacture millions of snuggies, emblazoned with the president's "O of Hope" on the back. Soon, millions of our homeless will be surrounded by hope and change as they wear these snuggies in solidarity and in defiance to the Culture of Achievement. You have to admit, it'll be an amazing sight.

Rumors have it that some other bright lights will be tapped to be a part of this agency:

Jimmy Carter—This former president did more than anyone to discourage private initiative and give hope to the motivationally-challenged. Rumor has it that President Obama is considering draining the embalming fluid from this former president and placing him as the titular head of this new agency. For Obama, choosing former President Carter would be more than just appointing another government bureaucrat to another government agency. Though he would be a figurehead (figuratively speaking) choosing Carter would be a message to anyone that might be on the fence about what the president intends to do with the most productive economic engine in the world. The mild-mannered Carter proved to be an economic wreaking ball and may just be what the doctor ordered to head this new agency.

Barely Frank--Barack Obama definitely wants a more muscular regulatory policy at the new agency which is why he might have to pull Barely Frank out of retirement. Whether its making havoc of the housing market or fixing parking tickets, Barely has long been recognized as a public servant that uses his machismo to get things done. Few public servants can brag that they took an otherwise healthy market like the housing market and sent it to the basement. The president might need ole Barely to work that ole black magic on the entire economy. Stay tuned.

Nazi Poloozi--Nazi Poloozi is also being tapped for some unknown spot at the Economic Punishment Agency. When asked about her future actions with the agency, Poloozi said, “we can’t know what the agency will do until it does it.” Insights like these will likely make Nazi a major player in the new agency. It’s just a rumor, but Poloozi might head a revised National Recovery Administration program that will stamp out economic initiative at the local level by using classical regulatory schemes like price controls. “After all,” said Poloozi, “there’s nothing that will squelch private initiative quite like imposing price controls on local entrepreneurs on such practices as selling tacos, grooming your poodle or pressing a pair of pants.”

Testimonies have already started to come in as to how our agency has helped the otherwise uninitiated. One American from West Virginia said this:

I was tired being called a “bum” by my parents and friends. They looked down on me because I would not go out and get a job like my peers who have become minions for the greedy capitalists. This new agency, the Economic Punishment Agency has been a God-send. Now, I know that I'm not “lazy” or a “loafer.” Rather, I am one of the “motivationally-challenged,” one of the growing millions who are unmotivated by the “Culture of Achievement.” I mean, it’s just immoral to punish people like me because the establishment never motivated us to work for a living. Besides, if I worked, I would not have time to protest, raise consciousness, or be at home to answer phone calls from political pollsters. Think about it: who is going to confront Wall Street if we're all working? Now, government agencies like the Economic Punishment Agency protect people like me from a culture of achievement and encourage us to participate in the stream of redistributed resources. Hopefully, one day, there will be no achievers, just citizens; no production, just provision. Agencies like the Economic Punishment Agency are working to make that a reality for all Americans.

Let me say that we at the Agency are humble about our efforts to this point. We recognize that much more needs to be done to suppress capitalist greed and discourage the discriminatory practices of the over-ambitious. Informed Americans recognize that the unambitious and disinterested Americans, like our members of Congress, are more qualified to distribute the resources of the productive which we all value. Therefore, we value your input. Consider adding your comments below on how we can do less so that, together, we can snuff out the “Culture of Achievement” and bring about provision for all.