Tax Breaks for Hiring Illegal Immigrants – How I’ll Find a Job Even Though I’m An American

I had been under the impression that the reason I am unable to find employment is because of the economy. But after hearing Congressman Brian Bilbray make this statement on MSNBC after the State of the Union Address, explaining why he didn’t support the DREAM Act, it all became perfectly clear:

“Let’s start by eliminating the tax deduction for those who are hiring illegals.”

I had been aware of the HIRE Act, also called the Jobs Bill, but I didn’t realize that the legislation offered tax breaks to employers who hired illegal immigrants rather than U.S. citizens, and, once again, I felt duped for supporting legislation that had mass benefits for illegal immigrants.

For people who may be unfamiliar with Congressman Brian Bilbray, allow me to explain how brilliant this man is:

Congressman Bilbray demonstrates exceptional knowledge and keen intuition when it comes to illegal immigration and illegal immigrants. In the last two years it seems that Congressman Bilbray has uncovered an extraordinary amount of benefits for illegal immigrants in dozens of legislative bills that have been put on the floor of the House. Congressman Bilbray is able to identify sentences invisible to others within legislation and, as a matter of fact, seems to be the only member of congress that knows the truth about being President of the United States:

You don't need to be born in the United States to be President of the United States-it is a legend.

During the healthcare debate, Congressman Bilbray found invisible legislation somewhere within the written legislation. (The exact location of the invisible legislation is unknown.)

"When the retired military finds out that their TRICARE has now been moved out of the Department of Defense over to the department that handles welfare — when you tell somebody who’s served this country in the military, that now their programs are going to be administered like their welfare programs, rather than earned military benefits, all hell is going to break loose. I can’t wait for my mom to hear that her TRICARE now is going to be administered by the welfare people."

Congressman Bilbray was also the first to come out of the closet and openly admit that he has a gift for identifying illegal immigrants by the clothes and the shoes that they wear. Hats off to him I say, because most people would never admit to possessing such an extraordinary ability.

I have only touched lightly on Congressman Bilbray’s extrasensory perceptions. As you can tell, I am blessed to have him represent me in California’s 50^th district.

Although Congressman Bilbray has a reputation for being intelligent and truthful, I still felt the need to do a little investigating about the tax deductions employers receive if they hire illegal immigrants.

I navigated my way to the IRS website and did a search on “tax breaks for hiring illegal immigrants”. No matches.

I tried “tax deductions for hiring undocumented workers” and, still, no matches.

I tried: tax breaks for hiring law-breakers; tax breaks for hiring illegal border crossers; tax breaks for hiring people posing as citizens; tax breaks for hiring people who decapitate bodies in Arizona. No luck.

I finally found it by searching for “tax breaks for new employees”. This is what I found:

In order for employers to obtain the tax deduction for new hires, employers not only have to pay Social Security taxes and Medicare taxes under the employee’s social security number, but the new employee has to sign an affidavit and include their social security number on Form W-11, and both documents are submitted to the IRS.

Although this would indicate to most that an employee would need a valid social security number in order for an employer to qualify for the credit, I knew that this was just a cover-up—my congressman has a proven gift for knowing these things.

My mind has gone into overdrive trying to figure out how to either fool employers into believing I am an undocumented immigrant or how to let employers know I’m an American citizen but willing to pose as an immigrant without papers so I’m able to obtain a job so the employers receive their tax breaks. I realize that I will need to have all of my countries covered in case employers favor illegal immigrants from one country over another country.

After hours of practice, I believe I have successfully honed in on my skills to identify illegal immigrants by the clothes and shoes that they wear. I’ve searched my house and rummaged through my closet to locate illegal immigrant clothes and illegal immigrant shoes. I was a bit surprised to find that I actually own illegal immigrant attire: hand-woven baskets to balance on top of my head; a tortilla warmer that I can wear as a hat; a feather from a crow that, if I stick it in my hair, will look convincing along with my turquoise jewelry.

When I speak to managers and business owners about my desire to work for them in a Jamaican accent, I will inconspicuously lift one of my legs waist high --much like I used to do in gymnastics class on the balance beam--so they will be sure to see my illegal immigrant shoes. And then I’m going to give them a between-you-and-me wink.

Under the special skills section of a job application, I will include that I am able to withstand 120-degree heat while wearing pink.

When asked if I have ever been convicted of a felony, I will mark the box “No” and write below it, “not yet”.

I’m going to purchase a Canadian flag hair bow.

When I show up for a job interview, I will enter the building balancing my briefcase and my purse on top of my head. Once removed, instead of shaking hands, I will bow at the waist and say, “Ni hao.”

I may come across an employer who has a lot of respect for illegal immigrants who travel dangerous, shark-infested waters by raft in order to fulfill the American dream. I’m going to pierce my ear with a circular disc that will elongate my earlobe. According to the Discovery channel, this earlobe-stretching ritual marks the beginning of puberty by many African tribes.

I’m going to indicate my desired rate of pay in Euro.

Please feel free to add your suggestions to help me in my job search.