Vote for Bernie -- Get Free Stuff!

Since arriving home from his honeymoon in Communist Russia, Bernie Sanders dedicated his life to getting you free stuff. He understands that you are helpless without Big Government. Deep in the recesses of your thinking brain lurk desires only Bernie can fulfill. Free college, free health care, free dental, free vision, and free pineal glands are just a few of the gratis perks we will all enjoy when Bernie ascends to the US Presidency.

"Fell the Bern" adorns bumper stickers from Berkley to Burlington. When he's elected you won't get within feeling distance of him, but rest assured Bernie will look down upon you and your ilk. He will sprinkle free things upon your heads and tell you it's raining. His generosity will know no bounds, limited only by the throughput of Treasury Department printing presses. Sell America to the Communist Chinese, he will, so you might enroll at Stanford.

Imagine the amazed surprise festooning faces in your immediate family when you announce plans to go back to college -- for free! Stop by the Old College bookstore to grab free books, pencils, hoodies, Pringles, and spiral bound college-rule notebooks. Bernie's paying.

If something goes wrong, just walk away. If your prof arrogantly expects homework to be submitted on-time, simply give up. Drop the course and enroll at another school. All this costs nothing at all. If you can't do the math, change majors. Somewhere out there is an English Department waiting for you and your crayons. Cadres of dedicated educators anxiously anticipate oodles of earnest students longing for no-cost higher education. Stay in school all the way through your PhD, then matriculate into the real world with no debt whatsoever. Someone else will pay for it. Fairy dust is the new currency.

Should you find yourself with no marketable skills, rest assured it's not your fault. Someone failed you. Perhaps a Rich Person was mean to you or a Super Rich Businessman plotted against you when you weren't looking. Surely you meant well but events conspired to keep you down. Beyond your control, your life circumstances are.

Simply show up at Applebee's for a free $15/hour minimum wage job. Don't worry about earning your keep: Bernie will decree the Living Wage. And don't plan to work more than 40 hours a week: Bernie and Big Labor will make sure evil bosses can't interfere with your League of Legends meet-up. Simply drop your mop and clock out when your shift ends. Income magically appears in your bank account, bereft of taxes, but it's all good.

Bernie lusts after your vote and he plans to coax it out of you with free stuff. A free exchange of ideas in a polite society is so passé. What Americas needs is confiscation of liberty to facilitate redistribution of wealth. It's only fair and Bernie will make it more fair.

Vote yourself free stuff. A vote for Socialist Bernie Sanders is one step closer to putting the government in charge of every aspect of your life. Evidently you didn't like it anyway .

Does the size of a mansion in Bel Air directly impact your daily life? Does the massive income of a Wall Street apparatchik working 70 hours a week cause you to break out in a rash? Look to Bernie for remediation. His Socialist ilk will salve your savaged selfishness. Free college, free minimum wage, free health insurance, and free health care will make it all better.

Are you a fan of class warfare? Bern is the guy for you. He travels the highways of New Hampshire ginning up hatred. Against anyone earning more than you, he is aligned. He understands your plight as he obviously flies Coach Class and reluctantly enjoys his free federally-mandated health care that he voted to make exempt from ObamaCare. Yes, he loves you bunches, but his health is an iota more important that yours.

Hate is free and supplies are not limited. Join the Bernie bandwagon . Nothing is your fault because evil faceless humans have money and you don't. A corrupt government needs to be inflated so we can have more of it. That's the Bernie Sanders' way.