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Fatherhood

Updated on August 20, 2014

Be a Real Man

Men, I am going to give you some straight talk. This isn't a popular discussion that is going to give you all sorts of warm fuzzies, but it says something many men need to hear, and many other men wish men would hear. The irresponsible men are giving the male gender a bad name.

You have tremendous power. You have the power to provide an immortal being with life. You have the power to give the world a leader, a person of consequence, a person who will make you proud. The first thing you must do is respect yourself. You have this wonderful capacity; you were born with it. However you grew up, however you were raised, strive always to make the world a better place than it was.

If you are a man, I am talking to you. You have a destiny. Your destiny doesn't lie in being a sperm donor who creates spawn destined to die by violence in their teens. Make yourself worthy of your destiny. Be a man.

If you are a woman, I am talking to you as well. You have a right to your own integrity and self respect, and to your body. It is the only one you will ever have. You deserve better than to give yourself to a user and an abuser. Look for a man who will cherish you. Men who cherish their woman don't have sex with them without a solid commitment for life.

When I talk to you as men, I am not directing this just to men who happen to have darker skin. The need for real men is universal. The destiny of a man is universal. The responsibility for the future of one's children is universal. The need seems to be greatest in the "black community" these days, but there are plenty of boys who pretend to be men in every shade of skin.

The moment you start a baby, you're a father. You have a responsibility to act like one. Don't give me the excuse that you used "protection". If you have any brains at all, you know good and well, protection rarely works. And don't use abortion as a back-up. You have no right to expect ANY woman to go through the agony of abortion, even if everything "goes well". Abortion is a vicious attack on us, and we deserve better. It is not a right, so stop lying to us. We have a right to legal protection from abortionists. We have a right to a man who will cherish us and our children, and if you are not a man like that, go away. We don't want you.

The image is licensed under Creative Commons.

Two Children

Lessons in Living

I want to tell you about two boys, now men. We know these two well, but we will protect their anonymity to some extent.

Both of these children were born to single mothers who gave them up for adoption. Both of them had white mothers and black fathers. In one case, at least, the father was married to someone else. In both cases, people who otherwise were interested in adopting turned down the opportunity to adopt this child because of his race.

Each of them could have been a victim of abortion. We are thankful that they survived. They have both been a tremendous blessing to their adoptive parents.

In choosing these two children, I want to explain my reasons. Each of them had a child out of wedlock. How they reacted to this responsibility shows a rather stark contrast, at least to begin with.

The younger of the two adopted sons had his son before any of the other grandchildren were born. He didn't even tell his parents of the child's existence until the baby was 17 months old. The grandparents regret that they didn't get to enjoy his babyhood. The grandmother urged her son to marry the boy's mother, but he steadfastly refused. To this day, he has refused. And to begin with, he paid a fair amount of attention to his son, but their relationship was less of a father-son relationship as a couple of kids horsing around and being rough with each other. The boy didn't know you can't be rough with your cousins, and he caused some grief. Fortunately, he has grown out of this and is now a very gentle person. After spending time with his son to begin with, the father then became very neglectful. The boy was fortunate that his mother took her job seriously, and provided him with some serious mothering. The father didn't support the family financially, either.

Fortunately, someone, whose name shall remain confidential, had a talk with the father. He basically told the father to shape up his act, and provide support and fathering. And fortunately, the father chose to take his responsibility much more seriously.

The older son had a completely different attitude. He told his parents that he was a father before his daughter was even born. He stayed by the mother's side and supported her. After the daughter was born, he took care of her during the day while the child's mother worked, and then worked at night to help support the family. He wanted to marry the mother, desperately, but was rebuffed. When the baby was several months old, the mother cut off all contact with the father and his family. It remained that way for six months, but after a time, the father took the mother to court, and regained some rights.

It is most unfortunate that the law gave the mother sole custody because the parents weren't married. While I tend to support such a law, I have had to re-think my position because of observing this situation, and also observing the consequences of the current laws. The major problem is that when a family needs help, and the government decides to provide help (which is a whole other topic that needs to be discussed), there will be no help if there is a father in the home. This breaks up the family, and the result is millions of fatherless children. And yes, children need fathers!

Continuing, after the father regained visitation rights ordered by the court, he became afraid that the mother would return to her native country, taking their daughter with her, and he would never see his daughter again. He petitioned the court to fashion a remedy, but there is no state law that would give the court authority, so the court took no action.

The father's fears caused him to choose to take custody of the child and keep her away from the mother for a period of days. The mother became frantic. A hearing was scheduled, and father and daughter were able to hide out until the day of the hearing. At the hearing, the judge ordered the child to be returned to the mother. When the father took the child to the appointed place, she wasn't interested in returning to her mother, and instead, turned around and wrapped her arms around her father's legs. From that time forward, she has done everything in her power to bring her parents together, so far to no avail.

The episode opened the mother's eyes, and she realized that her daughter also needs her father. They have been able to work amicably so that both spend significant time with the daughter. The father has taken his responsibilities very seriously. He cherishes his daughter and does everything in his power to nurture her. She is very bright, and already at a very young age, is academically very far advanced.

Society Today

These days, there are powerful social forces, and leaders, who encourage young men and boys to act irresponsibly. Sex is presented as something to be strictly used for pleasure. No thought is given to the primary reason for sex, which is to create offspring and provide for the growth and advancement of the human race.

Children are being sexualized everywhere they turn. It happens in the family. It happens on TV. It happens in the schools. It happens in movies. And it happens on the internet. Too many irresponsible people leave materials that sexualize children where they can get hold of them and have their outlook and personality warped.

Children are actually being encouraged in the schools to become sexually active. This is mind-boggling. But it happens. Teachers, peers, and guest speakers are all responsible.

When I was in high school, there was one very bright and pretty young woman who won first place in the science fair. Her work was truly advanced in the field of biology. Not all that long afterward, she had a baby out of wedlock. I was truly shocked, because at least among the students I knew, that was practically unheard-of. I am sure other young women also had babies, but nobody talked about it. Some of these children were put up for adoption. If a young woman had an abortion, nobody talked about it. It was an act of shame. It was dangerous. In fact, we didn't even talk about abortion at all. I remember asking my mother one time what abortion was, and she explained it. I was instantly repulsed by it. I was sickened by it.

Less than a decade later, the buzz about abortion became loud, and just four scant years later, we had abortion on demand. Women have been deprived of protection ever since. We have no protection from men who will say anything to get a woman in bed. We have no protection from abortionists who prey on us for money. We have no protection for our integrity and our self respect. I have always been an advocate for women's rights, and I have seen how this objectification of women has set back our cause and our rights many, many decades.

Men, you owe it to yourself to respect yourself. You owe it to women to respect us. You owe it to us to respect our bodies, our integrity, and our own self-respect. We are not playthings. We are living human beings, and we deserve a man who will cherish us, not throw us away like trash if we can't simply perform as the sex object with no complications.

Your responsibility starts with saving baby-making activity for marriage. If for some reason, you make a baby anyway, you owe it to the mother to marry her and cherish her, and cherish your child.

Abandoning mothers and children is not an option. It will come back and bite you. It will bite all of us. We have to live in the coarsened society that has been created by this kind of attitude and the behavior that follows.

The Consequences

There are many consequences that follow from this. The first and foremost consequence is violence. The second is a bad economy. (Did you know that all the abortions in the United States have cost the economy 45 TRILLION dollars?) The bad economy costs jobs and self-sufficiency for the family. It makes people dependent on politicians and government. It robs all of us who have to pay the bills. It destroys freedom. And you can't truly experience freedom if you are enslaved to your own sexuality. And if you use sex as a plaything, you are enslaved.

The first violence is the violation of a woman's body for personal pleasure. Talking her into it with sweet words you don't really mean is no different from outright raping her. You owe it to yourself, her, and your future children, to be honest with yourself. Are you just trying to persuade a woman to give you pleasure, or are you trying to convey real words of love and COMMITMENT? Are you committed to her regardless of future circumstances? Do you see abortion as a last resort? Should you even think of abortion that way? I would say not. If you have that commitment, MARRY HER before you use her body. She is an autonomous human being who deserves your respect. She has a say in her future. Don't rob her of that with fraudulent statements of caring.

The second violence is the vicious attack on a woman's body, the destruction of her child, a painful death for the child, and a painful living death for the mother, if she survives. I am talking about abortion.

The third violence is that this coarsens everyone. Violence becomes desirable. It becomes something to pursue against the innocent. Nobody is safe. If you want to know why there are so many violent people on the street, so many people being hurt and killed, and so many young lives wasted in prison, look no further.

And the fourth violence is the damage that abortion does to a woman's future children. Abortion causes miscarriage and serious birth defects.

Even if we escape being personally attacked, we all pay for the damage done by such a violent society, through our taxes, and our associations.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

— Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Men and Abortion

Daniel Schnick

The following is a selection of quotes from an essay written by Daniel Schnick. I met Mr. Schnick over the internet, and he wrote this essay specifically for me to use.

The original was more coherent, but too lengthy to quote here. Tragically, Mr. Schnick never had the opportunity to become a father. He was killed by a truck in 2000.

The selections follow:

Fact is that the abortion industry and the pressures to abort are all driven by men.

Irresponsible men love abortion.

[Who forces women to choose abortion? A huge segment are:]

Men who treat women as sex toys, and the entertainment industry that encourages men to do this and women to allow it. (C'mon guys, if that is all you want there is a whole industry dedicated to giving you sex toys that **don't** get PMS)

What can we do about it?

--First we can behave responsibly. This means supporting the women and children in our lives. It means far more than one paragraph can convey.

--And by the way, about that "locker room" talk: can it, butthead. She is not merely a blow-up doll with resistance; that's a woman you are talking about.

--We can stop teaching our children that there is ever a valid reason to kill anybody, born or not. We can stop teaching them that there is ever a valid reason to dehumanize anybody. We can stop teaching them that they are so unique and special that normal morality does not apply to them, that normal consequences will not impose themselves on their actions. This has effects that range infinitely beyond abortion.

There are a lot of reasons for men to be involved in this issue, not the least of which is that men already are involved. There is much we can do about it, and much we should do. I am not going to abandon women to the predation of the abortionists.

The Burning Question

Just a parting thought after that selection of quotes. Men, if someone boasts to you of his exploits, shame him. Shun him. He is nothing but a spoiled brat. He is no man. He deserves nothing but your contempt.

The question remains. Men, are you fathers, or just irresponsible users? Any man can be a sperm donor (as a general rule, anyway). But it takes a REAL man to be a FATHER. A real father cherishes women and children. If he has a calling, he is willing to defend his family, his community, and his country, and he helps protect and rescue women and children in time of disaster.

I am not saying that we women deserve any less than legal and social equality. I am saying that there is a God-given role and responsibility for each of us. We as women bear our children in our body, and we nourish our children at the breast after they are born. Our responsibility is to nourish and nurture. The man's responsibility is to nourish and nurture both mothers and children, and provide for them.

I don't know how to say it strongly enough. A real man fathers his children. He protects and nurtures his children. He provides for them.

If all you want is to use a beautiful woman in bed, stuff it.

If you can't live up to adult responsibilities, then you deserve to be ashamed of yourself.

Go off and think about this. And start behaving like a man.

And don't let other men get away with being cruel to women and children, either. If they can't act honorably, shame them as well.

Civilization depends on it. And you depend on civilization. Without civilization, it becomes a jungle, and your life is forfeit. You will never know true happiness, let alone joy. You will only know ugliness, anger, and fear.

Please go think about it. And act on it.

Debate - Are you a father?

Do you have children? Are you a father or a mother? How close are you to your children? Are your children thriving? Do they have a promising future? Sound off!

Do you have children?

Yes

Yes

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      The Source

      The source of your life is God. He made the rules. He designed you. The source of your responsibility is God. He created your children.

      Many people can live up to their responsibilities just on their own strength, but in general, a person thrives best and finds it easiest to do what is best and honorable and right if he gets his strength from God.

      Your children deserve to be taught about Jesus. You are the person whose primary responsibility is to teach them.

      I am sure there will be those who are reading this who will not agree with me. But I want you to think about it. You were created in beauty. You have an eternal destiny. You will never experience the fullness of life without a relationship with God. Neither will your children.

      And by the way, your children will see you as an example of the nature of God. If you are absent or neglectful, your children will not learn that God loves them and sacrificed Himself for them. They may become angry with God, or even become atheists.

      Call to Greatness

      To Those of You Who...

      To those of you who take your fatherhood seriously, who live in honor, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are leaving the world a better place. Your children will thank you. My children will thank you. You deserve the honor and respect for living up to your role and responsibilities. And you will reap the rewards. The future is yours.

      Thank you.

      I am calling on the rest of you to live up to your potential, to be the man you were meant to be. Many of the other things in life simply don't have the reward of a life well lived.

      Look into the eyes of your children. Do you see their love for you? They reflect what you give them. If they don't love you, you must first love them.

      I hope that this message is meaningful. It's not all sweetness and light, but it touches on the things that really matter. Please take care of your children. Love them. Nurture them. And leave a meaningful legacy.

      From Rage to Responsibility

      Best book on fatherhood (available from Amazon), by Jesse Lee Peterson.

      This book blew me away! I didn't really know what to expect from the author, because I have seen some of his essays on the internet, and I wasn't sure where he stands on some issues. This book isn't so much about conservatism, though he arrives at this point after a journey of transformation. It is much more about being a man and a father. The "black community" is made up mostly of very dysfunctional families, which leads to poverty, dependency, and violence. The people have no hope. Obviously, this doesn't apply to everyone, but it applies to the many children born out of wedlock, with absent fathers. Jesse Lee Peterson talks about the only remedy that will truly put the "black community" back on track for a viable culture, a humane neighborhood. Nobody can heal the black family, if the family is unwilling. The current path is into the depths of darkness. Peterson urges the people to turn their lives and their families around.

      Guestbook - Let me know your thoughts, or even just that you stopped by

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