A Guide to Online Dating
Many men and women admit to having had some good and some bad online dating experiences. In the latter case, it could range from rude messages to romance scams where you end up losing even your nest egg.
The FBI reported that romance scams result in more monetary loss to consumers than any other type of online fraud at US$230 million in 2016. The number may be higher because victims are oftentimes too embarrassed to report such fraud.
Romance scams really can happen to anyone. Barb Sluppick, who runs the watchdog site Romance Scams, has treated many people, including those whom you would imagine, are least likely to fall prey to these scams, including (paraphrased) “men and women of all ages—doctors and lawyers, CEOs...people from the entertainment industry…”
The modus operandi of a typical scammer is to write long letters for weeks or months, creating a false persona that seems very real to the victim. Then, the scammer may ask for money for an emergency. Excuses include medical treatment, wrongful arrest, needing bail money, and/or lawyer’s fees.
David Farquhar, Supervisory Special Agent with the FBI, said the amount of money stolen can eat up one’s retirement savings. So, be skeptical, especially when this whole romance has only been developed online with no person to person meeting. The bottom line is, even if a dating website claims that they vet the people online, you still have to do your own research. Later in this article, we’ll talk about ways you can do this.
The stigma of online dating has largely declined according to the Pew Research center, In fact, online dating falls anywhere from the third most widely-used way to meet new people, to the first, depending on which article you’re reading. One thing for certain, it isn’t the exception anymore, it’s the rule.
For many people, online dating is a more efficient way to meet new people. If you meet someone through a friend or at a party, or through a blind date, you may have to go to a lot of these before you find someone you’re compatible with. Online dating saves time. But, you should know how to navigate online dating wisely, so that you don’t fall prey to a scammer, a violent person, or other bad eggs out there.
Here are some things you can do to filter the chaff from the grain:
Investigate the photos before dating. Through TinEye or Google Images, you can run the person’s profile photos. If they belong to someone else from another city, you’ve been warned. Scamalytics is a site that blacklists scammers who used false pictures in the past. If the person you were considering is on these sites, report this to the dating app you’re using, so that no one else will be this person’s victim.
Check the person’s email. If the person is communicating with you through email, check the address at Romance Scams, which lists the email addresses of known scammers.
Look for red flags
Does the person’s conversation tally with his reality? More lies are more red flags.
Is the person married with children but says he wants to have a divorce? Wait until after the person is divorced. Usually, this is just a pickup line.
Is the person new in town? Maybe the person is looking for friends. Allow enough time for the person to get used to the area and has enough friends before you decide to date them.
Believe it when they say they just want something casual. If you’re looking for a deep relationship, you're not the one who will change the person’s mind.
What are your expectations?
Too often, people have unrealistic expectations of a dating app. Men don’t realize that out of every 20 girls, 19 won’t be their type. This means they will have to do a lot of searching due to the odds.
For women, the numbers are: 49 out of every 50 guys won’t be your type. Also, men tend to be less serious. Even if your profile says you want a deep relationship, there are men who think you really want sex, that’s why you’re using a dating app, they rationalize. On the upside, there are 3 men for every woman, so the odds are good that you can find quality men out there.
If you’ve tried dating apps and didn’t find the love of your life, don’t worry. You may find something good down the line anyway. For example, below are three people who used their dating app experiences to boost their careers and make an important life change.
Career Move No. 1
Coder’s parents made some down payments for Coder’s wedding to a man she met online. One night Coder went to her fiance’s apartment, but he wasn’t home. By 4 a.m. she called his mother, who suggested she call all hospital emergency rooms.
For the first time, she opened her fiance’s computer to get a list of hospitals. Out popped a romantic message from her fiance, addressed to another girl. It said, “Anticipate my kisses.” In his message box, she found 36 other romantic messages from 36 women who added directions to their homes.
Coder’s parents told her, “Better to end the wedding one day before, than one day after.” Some of the down payments her parents had made weren’t refundable, but Coder was lucky, nevertheless.
If you are going to try online dating, you might as well learn to InvestiDate from someone who’s been there, experienced this, and done that.
Career Move 2: Perfection is Unreal
Ruby Le, a private date coach/matchmaker, draws from her online experience to inform her work. Ruby fell hard for a man she met online. He was perfect. He checked every item on her list. Sometimes he was too perfect, but she held onto this perfection that she sought all her life. They were engaged within a year, but she came to realize that she was unhappy.
By letting go of her perfect man, she learned to open up to a less perfect man and married him. He wasn’t her “type”, but he made her a better person. She concludes, “Sometimes it's that imperfect person that can make you perfectly happy.”
Career Move 3: Dating Coach After 300 Online Dates
Evan Marc Katz, dating coach, had dated 300 women online within a decade. Experience taught him that you must understand the medium to make the most of online dating.
Evans, a home-based writer, liked online dating because he was too shy to approach women. “In a world where it’s hard to meet women in real life, online dating is the best option — if you know how to use it properly,” Katz says, who in three years got 35% of his clients married by online dating.
Below are some tips to have more positive experiences dating online with leveled up dating prospects.
Some online dating tips from Katz and other experts are:
Choose the right app. Different apps serve different purposes. Some have a religious base, while others give women the option to make the first move. Do your research and choose the app that is right for you.
Do your own investigation. Even if the app says it filters out dangerous people, check the person’s social media. Check if the person has a police record. Check the authenticity of the person’s profile pictures and information.
Write a profile that tells how you live, who you are, and what you want in a relationship. Check your spelling and grammar.
Have a creative username that says something about yourself and what you like to do. For example, if you like fashion, you might call yourself FashionPassion.
Post decent pictures. Otherwise, men will assume that’s the best part of you, and touch base with you without even bothering to look at your face. Also, use solo shots. If you post a group shot, someone else in the picture might catch a guy’s eye instead of you.
Photoshop if you must, but don’t overdo it. Your photo has to closely resemble you.
Write good emails. Chase Amante, of the blog girlschase.com has the following outline for men to write good emails: (1) Ask short, simple questions (2) Share simple stories that help her think, and (3) Put yourself in her place when you make a call to action. Read your email from her point of view before you decide to send it.
Spend time on emails and phone calls. Men should say clever things and spend more time talking on the phone. When Katz did this (paraphrased), “I got to pick people up at their house, [and] drive them home, all because I put more time upfront.”
Don’t get trapped in texting. A five-minute phone call will be more revealing than one week of texting, which lacks the nuance of a conversation.
Schedule a phone call. Set a specific date and time for your first phone call.
For women and men, take time to get to know each other online before agreeing to meet up. Have face time and long conversations. Take note of when someone is lying, and keep track of red flags.
A good call may be rewarded with a meetup. By this time you have screened your emails, screened out bad conversationalists, and believe the person you choose is trustworthy.
Make the first meetup in the daytime, in a public place. Breakfast, brunch, or lunch are good options. If the person likes you, then the person should be willing to wake up early for you.
Tell friends and/or family. Tell at least one of them who you will date, where you’ll meet, and the day and time of this first meeting with your online friend. Also, call this person or make sure the person calls you during your date. Even better, arrange for your friends to be at the place where you are meeting your date. That way you will have a safe place to go to in case you need it.
Dress suitably. Don’t wear something that is very revealing or something that’s super sexy. You can be attractive without having to do that. You could also be misunderstood if you dress too sexily. By focusing on being pretty or attractive rather than sensuous, you are sending a message that says you are looking for a long term romance.
Pay for yourself. Beware of wolves with gifts. If the person likes to shower you with gifts too early in the game, that’s a red flag. If the person wants money or gifts from you, that’s another red flag. Money can mess things up especially when it’s extravagant. You want sincerity. You want someone whom you can trust, not someone you have to buy or who will try to buy you.
What makes a good conversation? Ask questions that show you’re listening. Be thoughtful and interesting. Express your observations and your opinions.
If over time you have evolved to a night date, you should make allowance for the possibility that you might want to leave early. Drive yourself to the meeting place, or choose a restaurant that is just a short walk from where you live.
For both men and women, you may not get the person of your dreams with the first date, but you will have a lot less bad dates if you are willing to slow down and go from the app to email, to the phone call, to face time, before the meetup in the morning.