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How to Fail at Online Dating... For Men

Updated on April 8, 2012
Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannie has been writing for HubPages for over 5 years. She covers a wide variety of topics—anything from hamsters to office work.


Success at Being a Failure!

Once again, it is time to journey into another sarcastic advice hub from Jeannie. Yes, I could tell you how to be a success when using online dating sites, but what is the fun in that? Besides that, I've already tried to help you guys with numerous hubs about successful online dating. Trust me, I am still not seeing too many improvements on OKCupid and Plenty of Fish, so you men out there must not be taking my advice. So for now, I would like to give tips on how to fail at online dating for all the male readers out there.

Don't worry. It is fairly easy to fail at online dating. What is tricky is actually being a success. If for some strange reason you would prefer to be an online dating success, just read these suggestions and do the opposite. Honestly, some times experiencing an amazing fail is better than any success story though. So let us take a look at some tips on how to fail at online dating.

1. Use the creepiest photo possible as your profile pic.

What you really want to do more than anything is try to scare women as much as possible with your photo. After all, this photo is going to be the first thing a woman sees about you. You want to give her the most creepy impression you possibly can.

Some suggestions I have for you are taking dark, scary photos while alone in front of the computer. Nothing says, "don't date me" more than a lonely webcam photo. Make sure the room is dark and women are afraid you might be a serial killer. Whatever you do, don't smile. You don't want women to think you are a pleasant, happy person! If you are overweight, by all means, take your shirt off. Just sit there in front of the computer, in the dark, shirtless, and staring with a blank, unsmiling face. You are totally going to fail at online dating!

2. Be way too aggressive!

If you decide to approach a woman online, send her your phone number in the first message. Tell her she should text or call you immediately. After that, you should probably only wait about an hour or two. If she has not responded, send her another message. Ask her why she is ignoring you. Obviously, any woman that is using an online dating site should check her account at least once an hour. If she doesn't call some random, scary guy that sends her a message online, she deserves to get threatening emails once an hour.

Once your "new friend" sees your series of aggressive and desperate emails, she is probably going to block you. Wow, you totally just failed! If she turns you into the website, and you lose your account because she felt threatened by you, that is a double fail right there! So few people fail on such an epic level. Good for you!

3. Post lots of pictures of you with other women.

Yes, guys, for some reason, women looking at your profile are not too thrilled to see you posing with lots of random women. Are these gals your sisters? Are they ex-girlfriends? Perhaps they are just some chicks you met at the bar. Either way, this is not a good look for you.

Women are pretty awesome, but let's be perfectly honest, we can be jealous at times. The last thing we need to see is a guy posing with lots of different women. It makes us think a guy is going to be constantly flirting with other women. This might not be true, but it doesn't matter. Those images say you are going after a lot of different women, and most of all, those images say, "FAIL!"

4. Send a short, impersonal message.

The worst messages from guys are usually very short. It is also usually something totally impersonal that suggests you did not read a woman's profile at all. Some examples are:

  • Hey there, hottie.
  • Hi!
  • Hello!
  • Hey!
  • What's up?

Guess what? No one is responding to that! Futhermore, if you want to really infuriate a gal, send a message with poor grammar and words that are not spelled correctly, too. More examples include:

  • Waz up?
  • Heyy gurl!
  • Yo gurllll!
  • You hotty.
  • Let's meat.

Yes, guys, you can totally fail and never get a response with some of these wonderful sayings.

5. Don't respond to messages for weeks.

If you are interested in dating a woman, but it takes you weeks to respond to her message, you are not playing hard to get, you are failing. It is as plain and simple as that. If you want to be especially annoying, wait weeks to respond to her, but send her an angry message if she takes more than one day to write back to you. You just let her know the type of guy she is dealing with; she is also going to add you to her blocked list.

6. Show up on the first date with your kids.

If you've managed to get a woman to get this far in the process with you and she actually wants to still date you, you are not doing such a great job at failing. You are obviously going to have to amp up your failure attempts to a whole new level. Don't worry, it can still happen.

If you have children, it is as simple as bringing them along on a first date. This can be especially awkward if you've never mentioned you had children until this point. It is best not to ask; just bring little Mary Sue and Bobby along with you when you go out to dinner. Many women don't care if you have kids, but it is nice to know a guy before meeting the kids. It is pretty much a requirement. If you take the kids along, it is a sure way to make your online dating attempt a total failure.

7. Show up on the first date with your mother.

Just in case you don't have children, no worries. Take you mother along with you on the first date instead. In a way, this is actually creepier than bringing the kids. During the entire date, ask your mother's opinion on everything. Don't you dare make even the most minor decision for yourself, or that might show you are actually independent. If you want this to fail, you are going to have to show her how needy you can be.

All of this works even better if your mom is one of those nagging mothers. If she can nag your date and insult her the entire night, you have just failed in a really major way. Congrats!

8. Expect her to pay for the first date.

If all else fails, being a totally cheap jerk is going to get all women to hate you. For the first date, most men like to pay for the entire date. If you want her to leave you on the spot, don't pay for anything she orders. Better yet, explain how you left your wallet at home and ask her to pay for the entire date for both of you. Trust me, you don't have to worry about going out with her again!

Now that you've learned all the easiest ways to fail at online dating, I hope you go out there and start being the total loser you know you can be. If not, you could opt to do the opposite of everything on this list. I don't know... you might actually end up with a meaningful relationship or something if you do that.

Copyright ©2012 Jeannieinabottle


Submit a Comment

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    I am glad you enjoyed, "Let's meat." I've seen that before and had to share that with everyone. If a guy sends me a message and can't even string together a sentence, he is totally getting ignored on any dating site. Thanks for the vote up!

  • weestro profile image

    Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

    These are great tips, funny and true! Many of my single friends follow these to the letter, and then sit around and complain about being single. Still laughing at let's meat... great Hub Voted up!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    You are so right. Tattoos with exes names are never good, but especially the tattoos that look like the guy has been in jail. I read a guy's profile once that said, "I am online now because I just got released from prison." I believe he was serious! At least he was honest. Thanks for the comment!

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 5 years ago from Tennesee

    These are good ones LOL!!

    One more could be added: a reminder to guys about the photos of them with their last girlfriend/wife's name tattooed on their flesh. And to be most effective it should be obvious the photo was taken that one helpful guard in the jail house.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks for the vote up! I am glad you enjoyed it!

  • Movie Master profile image

    Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

    Wonderfully funny Jeannie - voted up!

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Thanks so much! Now, if only men would read this and get the hint not to do any of this. Thanks for the votes. :-)

  • Ebower profile image

    Erin Bower 5 years ago from Georgia

    This is hilarious, because it's true! I voted this up and funny. :)

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Hahaha... I can imagine his dates never went to well. I make it a habit to dump a Mama's Boy as soon as I figure out that is what I am dating. Thanks for dropping by and thanks for the votes!

  • JKenny profile image

    James Kenny 5 years ago from Birmingham, England

    Another awesome Hub Jeannie. Number 7 reminded me of Principal Skinner from the Simpsons. 'Seymour!!!' 'Yes, Mother.' I've just thought of a couple more: Invite her round to yours for a game of dungeons and dragons. Turn up in a tweed jumper with braces, clutching your prized stamp collection. Voted up and shared.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    OK, if you ever do want to fail though, just let me know. I am here to help. :-) Thanks for reading my hub!

  • T B DeForge profile image

    T B DeForge 5 years ago

    This is why I usually just ask women I interact with in person out. I'm sure I would have epically failed online by now at least once. If I do ever change my mind, however, thanks for the heads up, and the laughs.