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A Little Honor For Smart Alecs

Updated on November 24, 2011
Hello. Kenneth Avery, again. This time, I am sincerely paying homage to some characters we all have had in our lives: SMART ALECS, who, by the way, ARE people too.
Hello. Kenneth Avery, again. This time, I am sincerely paying homage to some characters we all have had in our lives: SMART ALECS, who, by the way, ARE people too.

This is NOT a slam against anyone. And I mean anyone. This is not a cute story. This is not a story seeping with Log Cabin Syrup, but it's my own story and I am completely sincere in my thinking and phrasings about a group of people who we all meet at one time or another--in childhood and even in our established adulthood. I am referring to, of course, SMART ALECS.

I'm confused at whether the correct spelling is Smart ALEC or Smart Alex? Either will work for you know full well who I am going to talk (GOOD) about. I am honoring the guidelines set forth by our hosts, the HubPage master literarians, and I want this to be unusual, but a fair look at some men or women, who for some reason, have made a bad life choice in that of living their lives as smart alecs.

You might be saying about now, "There is nothing good or constructive about smart alecs." Now, I hate to disagree because I am, at heart, a very agreeble man. I don't like confusion or friction from men, women, children or pet dogs named "Marvin." I love the tranquility I receive by just flowing along in daily life--sowing seeds of peace to my fellow man and hoping for a big harvest of understanding. Yes, I know that I sound like writers in the turbulent sixties who wrote for underground newspapers with names like The Bird, The Village Voice and many others, but friends, I am far from that category.

Okay. Now to accomplish, not attempt, to write several positive and good things about our colorful friends, the Smart Alecs.

SMART ALECS - are always seen, heard, and respected. In any check-out, cashier's or ticket line anywhere, anytime and at any airline terminal. These special men and women have "that" look and air about them when they walk up to you that speaks loudly, "I am to be respected and I will not take any crap off of anyone!" And you dare not cross this diehard man or woman. You agree the best you can, offer them some fresh coffee or dougnut and hope they move on with their day.

SMART ALECS - cannot be obscure for life itself. They stand out in any gathering--sporting events, yard sales, concerts, and even church. Smart alecs WILL have their say about anyone and anything--regardless of who it hurts. These people are convinced that their way is right. I admire that in them. I guess because I have never been a confident person--always shunning fights, vocal encounters and being ejected from Hardee's. What a disgrace. Smart alecs are seldom ejected from social functions. No one short of a highly-trained team of policemen can deal with them for fear of being thrashed like an annoying pest. You can easily find smart alecs at most outside rallies such as political meetings where a man or woman is seeking office, then the smart alecs are drawn to their meeting like moths to an outside light; like syrup drawn to pancakes. They, the smart alecs, strain the First Amendment and sometimes bend it, to get their words heard other attendees. Why? I don't know, but personally, I respect smart alecs for being that strong in their convinctions.

SMART ALECS - always get the best deals on shoes, meals, homes, cars and RV's. They know how to handle salesmen and how to forcefully negotiate. The salesman might say, "Mister, I know the sticker says, $15,000.00, but I will let you have it for $12,000.00!" The smart alec, like a masterfully-designed German clock made in the famous Black Forest, goes into his special mode--glares at the salesman while his mouth gapes open and looks at his wife in a "can you believe this guy" look on his red face and replies, "What? $11,000.00? Buddy, I can get the same used car up the street for $5600.00! What are you pulling here?!!!" The salesman sheepishy and without discussion, looks up to this hulking frame of a man with a military crewcut and gives in to a much lower price. Mrs. Smart alec giggles and gives her husband an adoring look. Now could you or I, the non-smart alecs, get a deal like that? I think not. And I also think of all the times I have let salespeople actually "bully" me into buying things ranging from Bibles (no offense to God), to stainless steel cookware that took me a year to pay off in monthly installments. If I had been like the smart alec on this carlot, I would not have bought the first Bible (still no offense to God) or any stainless steel cookware and my wife and and I would have been better off financially speaking.

SMART ALECS - make wonderful husbands and fathers, wives and mothers. No one messes with the children of smart alecs or they pay a dear price for their transgression. I am NOT talking about child molestation, I would hurt anyone who did that to my grandchildren or yours, I am simply making a clear point that innocent remarks made by innocent people can spark the ire of smart alecks--suddenly and with the force of a hurricane, the innocent person or persons are told in no certain terms to leave the smart alec's kids alone. Period. I respect this too. No one should let others run over their children or wife. And smart alec parents, mostly the fathers, want this tradition of 'nobody runs over us' attitude to be carried on by their sons, give smart alec lessons to their children in the secret confines of their basements where they have posters of famous smart alecs like Jimmy Hoffa, Val Kilmer, Jerry Lewis and others hanging on their paneled walls. The sons of smart alecs will carry a heavy burden down through life. And not have many true friends. Not even smart alecs are friends to other smart alecs...each is looking for a way to best the other smart alec and be "king of the hill," no offense to Hank Hill.

SMART ALECS - live by one rule: Their way or no way. Am I right? And when a smart alec comes to "borrow" your Craftsman riding mower that you just purchased, and mows his lawn before you even get to sit on it, what can you do? You asking him while he sits in the shade of his outdoor canopy sipping off-brand beer with his feet up, "Why did you take my mower just then?" will only make the smart alec react in a violent way and you will end up looking like a troublemaker. I don't condone rude behavior, but give compliments to the smart alec right away on his lawn looking the best on the block. Niceness many times pays when dealing with a smart alec. I do admit that I admire this smart alec's boldness in just walking over your driveway in front of you and your lovely wife and cranking up your new riding mower, winking at you and scurrying off to cut his yard. You might call it stealing, but YOU were there on the premises. How can this be illegal? Better be nice to smart alec neighbors.

SMART ALECS - make the BEST soldiers. But in boot camp, maybe the experienced drill instructors can shave off most of the smart alec's angry and forceful demeanor. But on the other hand, a wise drill instructor, if he's a Marine D.I, will recognize that the smart alec will be a great fighter--with his hands or gun. And he will be a leader of men. The Armed Forces do NOT want pacifists and pantywaisted men. They want, if they are Marines, fighters, doer's, land takers, order givers, take charge men and men who take no crap from other men in their platoons. See? smart alecs can be great American patriots. If you just know how to look at them and learn to appreciate them.

SMART ALECS - in or out of military service, are ideal to take with you to any bar--decent or filled with troublemakers. If the smart alec is halfway your friend, or you might slip him a $50-dollar-bill, he will be THE man to ward off other smart alec wannabe's in a bar named "One-Eyed Jim's Butcher's Knife Bar and Grill," and you can enjoy the peace of having a few cold ones by yourself or with your date, but be advised, some other crafty bully or smart alec in the bar might talk your smart alec buddy into joining with him to take over the bar, run you out of there and take your date for the victory spoils. I have been told over the years that most girls secretly like smart alecs--Jesse James, Billy The Kid, The Younger Gang were not only criminals, but proficient smart alecs and were never without female company. Remember that and try to convince your girlfriend or wife, that smart alecs are not sensitive and caring like you are. What was the good thing I said in this section? The smart alec is the ideal man to take with you to a rough bar. In my past bar-hopping days, I only carried my two buddies, Wayne and Kenneth. Sometimes, J.W. or Gary, none of which were smart alecs. Wow, we all might have been dead meat and carried to any emergency room in the bars we frequented because we were not smart alecs and manly enough to take care of business--we could have been the object of cursings and violence by the smart alecs that were in these bars and thank God, didn't see us.

This has been my way of honoring the always-colorful and unpredictable group of people we all know as smart alecs. To my knowledge, which is very limited I might say, no one has ever written a story to honor smart alecs. Other writers were way too busy publishing articles on saving whales, the ozone layer and how to have a working peace among mankind.

When all these other writers had to do was what I just did in giving all smart alecs a little respect. And that never hurts anyone.

Contact me at; if you'd like to discuss this story or offer any suggestions. I promise I won't yell at you or threaten you if YOU DON'T like this story.

I am not a smart alec.

Peace . . .!


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      The Taco Tagger 

      10 years ago

      I really like this. Mainly because I am considered a smart alec. I would say that a lot of smart "alecness" comes from rationality and common sense. I'm under the impression that most of society is generally... now I don't want to say stupid, but I think most people lack a general common sense when it comes to anything. So when I give an answer to a very easy situation it comes off that I am a smart alec when, in fact, I'm trying to correct someones lack of common sense. However, as I read your article, the more I kept thinking "Oh man, this describes me exactly," and I was pleased.


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