Admit your Love is Just Gone
This is going to be a brief hub, my friends. I felt like I owed this premise to all my faithful readers that are accustomed to my usual logorrheic writing about the random topic of choice. No. This is not an ordinary piece of mine. This is a moment of truth, an epiphany, someone would say, that happened suddenly, as all revelations do, about 30 seconds ago. These are my words, my bitter sweet words of defeat and victory to all my broken hearted mates and for all the friends I haven’t met yet. This is the conclusion that has taken so long to reach its destination; the ghost that abruptly opened the door and shut it loud and hard as it left the room. This is your ghost. This is my ghost.
How many times have you stared at that door expecting your lost love to come back, confessing guilt, and sorrow, and emptiness, and, ultimately, asking for forgiveness, for your forgiveness? Well, it’s not happening. I don’t recall the exact moment that that notion set in; I get the feeling, actually, that it may still be looking for a good spot to lay its head down and rest its limbs, after the rough journey that led its way to my mind. But, in the end, it’s not happening. I read lately that the best way to get over the person who broke your heart is to cut all contacts and communication for two months. 60 full days. 6 weeks, 336 hours of pretending that the most intimately passionate part of your spirit were dead, probably forever. So far it’s been a little more than a month for me, and I am already drawing the most important conclusions.
First conclusion is that he is not gonna come back to me, and though I have said it before, now I can actually feel this awareness growing like a cancer. It’s like being capable of sensing the symptoms of a disease in your blood stream and, despite the pain, feeling that the best way to get rid of its virus is to let it be, let it permeate your system, let the poison spread for good. The second conclusion is that I will not stop missing him. Not soon enough, at least. It has now been almost four months, but I can remember the joyful times we have spent together as if they happened a moment ago. And I remember him, the echo of his laughter, the sound of his voice, the little dimple on his chin, and that scar he has on it, too. I remember you because I felt you. Third and last conclusion is that I would rather not know what he is doing at this time in his life; I stopped checking on him and wondering if he has found some other woman the moment I realized I could not bear that knowledge. I thought about it and my heart stopped and my hands were so cold that went numb and I could not breathe. Ignorance is bliss and I will be blessed with it because I refuse to know.
So keep in mind these three points, somehow, in your journey to pain and healing:
1. He/she is not coming back. Stop expecting the opposite.
2. You will not stop feeling his/her presence until you come to the conclusion that that spirit is actually a vivid part of you now.
3. Stop wanting to know what you really don’t want to know. Emotional suicide is never the answer.
Sometimes love is just gone, regardless of the fact that we cannot admit it to ourselves. Sometimes the wisest choice of all is to feel fortunate for having experienced that love in the first place and, then, to be prepared to set it free, and then set our spirit free. In time. With time.
© 2010 Roberta S