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Admit your Love is Just Gone

Updated on August 22, 2010

This is going to be a brief hub, my friends. I felt like I owed this premise to all my faithful readers that are accustomed to my usual logorrheic writing about the random topic of choice. No. This is not an ordinary piece of mine. This is a moment of truth, an epiphany, someone would say, that happened suddenly, as all revelations do, about 30 seconds ago. These are my words, my bitter sweet words of defeat and victory to all my broken hearted mates and for all the friends I haven’t met yet. This is the conclusion that has taken so long to reach its destination; the ghost that abruptly opened the door and shut it loud and hard as it left the room. This is your ghost. This is my ghost.

How many times have you stared at that door expecting your lost love to come back, confessing guilt, and sorrow, and emptiness, and, ultimately, asking for forgiveness, for your forgiveness? Well, it’s not happening. I don’t recall the exact moment that that notion set in; I get the feeling, actually, that it may still be looking for a good spot to lay its head down and rest its limbs, after the rough journey that led its way to my mind. But, in the end, it’s not happening. I read lately that the best way to get over the person who broke your heart is to cut all contacts and communication for two months. 60 full days. 6 weeks, 336 hours of pretending that the most intimately passionate part of your spirit were dead, probably forever. So far it’s been a little more than a month for me, and I am already drawing the most important conclusions.

First conclusion is that he is not gonna come back to me, and though I have said it before, now I can actually feel this awareness growing like a cancer. It’s like being capable of sensing the symptoms of a disease in your blood stream and, despite the pain, feeling that the best way to get rid of its virus is to let it be, let it permeate your system, let the poison spread for good. The second conclusion is that I will not stop missing him. Not soon enough, at least. It has now been almost four months, but I can remember the joyful times we have spent together as if they happened a moment ago. And I remember him, the echo of his laughter, the sound of his voice, the little dimple on his chin, and that scar he has on it, too. I remember you because I felt you. Third and last conclusion is that I would rather not know what he is doing at this time in his life; I stopped checking on him and wondering if he has found some other woman the moment I realized I could not bear that knowledge. I thought about it and my heart stopped and my hands were so cold that went numb and I could not breathe. Ignorance is bliss and I will be blessed with it because I refuse to know.

So keep in mind these three points, somehow, in your journey to pain and healing:

1. He/she is not coming back. Stop expecting the opposite.

2. You will not stop feeling his/her presence until you come to the conclusion that that spirit is actually a vivid part of you now.

3. Stop wanting to know what you really don’t want to know. Emotional suicide is never the answer.

Sometimes love is just gone, regardless of the fact that we cannot admit it to ourselves. Sometimes the wisest choice of all is to feel fortunate for having experienced that love in the first place and, then, to be prepared to set it free, and then set our spirit free. In time. With time.

© 2010 Roberta S

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    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Thanks Tom, little baby steps...

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      8 years ago from home

      RH,

      See now your getting on track... soon it will pay off like I said heal from within before you can reach out remember you are and will be there for you when you need you first....too many yous?

      well you know what you have to do for you and you are doing it ...

      keep doin'

      TH

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Ahahahh!I can't tell him he's a jerk because he doesn't want to speak to me!lol! Yeah, you are right, every and each one of us has their own ideal partner that can be very different from person to person. He was just...Meant for me, despite the second and latter part of our relationship was not what I had signed up for at the beginning. The first part is what I still hold close to my heart, though I should definitely change that...Some day, some day. Ironically when I talk about him to my best friend (poor girl,she is SO patient with me)I still refer to him as "my" love, and I talk about all the wonderful things he did for me and how great we were together BEFORE the storm came through. Isn't it strange how time just erases all the bad memories and sheds light only on the good ones? I guess that's serving the purpose of making me at peace with myself as I see the process as- I shared a great love-I did my best to hold on to it-I couldn't hold on to it-I lost it-BUT I still gave it MY best shot. For some reason not looking back in anger gives me the peace and strength to move on.

      When it came to the decision of taking his scraps or completely getting out of it, I had to go with the latter one because my heart couldn't have held on to the first option. Lately, a guy told me that he admired me for making that decision because it was a very hard one and not everybody would have had the guts to make it. It was hard, it was VERY hard, but it would have been harder to stay with him and waiting for him to wanting to hear from me and wanting to see me. After all I have been through with my ex fiance, I now KNOW that I can't be with a man who is not sure if he wants to be with me. I get the feeling that my ex didn't understand or consider this factor; I fear that he may have interpreted my decision as an abandonment and it really hurts to not have the possibility to talk to him and make him understand that when you REALLY love somebody, you can't settle for less than mutual love because it's like purposely torturing yourself with a pain you KNOW you can't bear.

      But I am rambling now...I will never have the chance to tell him how I feel, nor does he care enough to know, so...Other way to move on: WORK OUT and SHAPE UP! It's working great for me, it makes me feel like I have a goal to attain that has nothing to do with the end of my relationship.I am now wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear for the past couple of years: FABULOUS!And I just bought my first size 7 skinny jeans since I was 23!!!lol! Satisfactions, satisfactions :)

    • Nikesha Wallace profile image

      Nikesha Wallace 

      8 years ago

      Well I guess its really safe to say that some of us just are not the nice dinner and nice and adorable partner type, but rather a smooth suiter with a little salsa behind their belt, or a motorcyle riding dreamer who likes to fix on cars??? Who at least holds down a job, who gives you the love of a faithful puppy who barely ever wants to leave your side. Or an executive with the edge of a sword in the office, and the elegance and relaxation of a fine wine at home. Yes not everyone is made for the same thing. Yes and please dont hesitate to tell us if you come up with any new remedies through your very unique and strange ways of getting over. Tell him I said he's a jerk! You Jerk! Just kidding, totally kidding.

    • robertaharden profile imageAUTHOR

      Roberta S 

      8 years ago from California on the rocks

      Thank you much for reading Nikesha. However, I shall say that I can't take all the credit you are giving me because, in fact, things are easier said than done. For instance, this morning, to take my mind off of him, I watched a 2 hours documentary on the Bosnian genocide and the Milosevic trial primarily in Bosnian language with subtitles, of course (absolutely freaking random, I know). On top of that, I have somehow lost more than 10lbs in the past two months (not sure how) and I have learned that scrubbing grease off your kitchen stove may be an ideal activity to engage in while thinking of your ex (it works wonders on grease stains) BUT not to avoid thinking of your ex...:)

      I completely agree with you about the fact that such an experience like a heartbreak makes you revise your own self and wonder if you will ever even love and trust (or trust enough to love) again or if you'll ever be capable of getting over the person who broke you heart.Honestly, lately I have been considering the option of remaining single for life,lol!I just can't seem to click with any of the gentlemen that, kindly and politely, take me out for fancy dinners and do their absolute best to entertain me. They're so adorable, yet I am so...Uninterested. I can't even fathom watching a TV show on the couch with someone else other than my most recent ex. Sad, but true. Nonetheless, I have been making my best efforts to move on. I have to, you have to, everybody has to give themselves a chance for happiness,just a chance, and I think that the statements I have made above are crucial in admitting your love is just gone. Not pleasant, but survival instinct for sure. Thanks for reading Ma'm and feel free to share your thoughts with me sometimes on FB!I would love for us to be of mutual assistance.

    • Nikesha Wallace profile image

      Nikesha Wallace 

      8 years ago

      Good for you, I could have used you around sometime ago, though I dont know if I would have been conscious enough to hear you, but it still feels cool to hear you now. This I say is one subject that a person really needs to feel a kinship of struggle, because it always makes you feel so alone, and you question yourself and ability to be stronger than you are, so helpless for a period of time having to get over. It leaves you so damn vulnerable to not only a person outside your control, but your own premature ability to heal from a love loss. Let the first time be the last, but at least if it happens agin you know the proper routine. You give good assitance, I like your style of writing too. Good job.

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