Am I (un)qualified?
On August 13th 2015 I took my flight to Toronto, Canada from Switzerland. I heard many People saying: “it’s ok, but don’t look back!”.
Actually, I am looking back and I am surprised to see where God has brought me. I am no longer the same person I was a year ago.
I have made many mistakes and had a hidden lifestyle (wearing a mask every day). I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, I hated myself for what I had done. I couldn’t forgive myself and so guilt started to overwhelm me.
All I heard from “Friends”, relatives and Pastors was that I have lost my anointing, I made the same mistake again and again. Well yes, I failed. However, let me tell you, if people tell you these kinds of things, open up the Bible and look at what God says about you!
He is waiting for your agreement with His promise.
So I came to Toronto, and fled from my enemies. Long story short: People are connected all over the World, so all my issues were spread out and I couldn’t be in Toronto, because of what I have done in my past. I was told to go to Montreal. In Montreal I didn’t know anyone and was living in a Basement. Living in a Basement in the dark does not help you. Especially when you are broken; isolation does not help you grow in your spiritual life. I was in that Basement and all I spoke over myself was: “I am unqualified, I am unqualified…I’m such a failure, I can’t live the way I want to live..”. The more I said that, the more suicidal thoughts I had. The bitterness grew more and it started to kill me inside. I was smiling from the outside and crying on the inside. Somehow (I still wonder how He did it ) God kept me alive. Even though, I disqualified myself and tried to give up on my life, He kept me alive.
Finally the month came where I could come to the School of Ministry. But School of Ministry didn’t solve my problem. I was away from everyone, but the problem grew more than it compressed. I wasn’t present, rumours started to go around. Well somehow I decided to go back to Switzerland, to visit my family and the church I grew up. I was under pressure. I faced all the situations, but felt the same way as I did when I went to Toronto for the first time. After that I came back to Toronto, but still wasn’t myself and wasn’t confident in my calling.
After 4 Months of School you go on an Outreach with your Team. Our Team had the privilege to go to Miami. Somehow I decided to disconnect from everything so I can connect with my Team and take time to get to know myself and find my identity in Christ. Don’t disconnect just because you want to be alone to get to know yourself (it could lead to depression). Have people around you who call the greatness out in you and see you through the eyes of Jesus. During my Outreach I had great friends around me that made me smile and taught me to be myself: silly, funny, friendly but also know that I am chosen by the most high.
I started to realise Whose I was and who I am. I started to see how God was always beside me, but I was doubting Him and His ability to deliver me from all the pressure I had. It wasn’t always easy. It was a journey. Once I opened up to Him, His love changed my heart and my heart started to change my minds perspective. The hunger for more of Him came in me.
He gave me roommates who are on fire. They pushed me forward, called me out and told me how God sees me. Meanwhile, God started to talk through people (I’ve not shared my life with or just got to know them) and all of the sudden they would tell me what the Lord is putting on their heart. They would mostly start like this: “Son, You did NOT lose your anointing …… ” Baaaaammm… I knew God wants me to know, that His love is and always will be the same. From that moment on I knew, I am unqualified but through His blood He qualifies me and uses my past to lead others into their destiny!
Spread your wings, fly high and see things from above like eagles.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
– Isaiah 40:31 NIV
Trust in the Lord and He will deliver you. He is with you and He will never leave you! Stay tuned in Him. Yes I’ve seen it. I went back to Miami in July, shared my life with the Young adults and the Church. Clearly we all could see the manifestation of the Holyspirit in that place. He restores, He reveals Himself and He revives us!
Feel free to share this to encourage others, because testimonies are here to say that Jesus can and will do it when we open up to Him!
His arms are open!
© 2018 Jenan Joseph